DEAR HARRIETTE: My cellphone rang, and I answered it. The call came from a friend of mine -- I saw it on my caller ID. When I answered, I could hear her in the background, but I guess it was what people call a "butt dial" because she never came to the phone. I listened for a while and called out to see if I could get her attention. What I heard was disturbing. I'm not quite sure who she was talking to, but most of her conversation was badmouthing one of our mutual friends. Well, I'm not sure if this woman considers her a friend now after everything I heard. I was shocked at how vicious her words were. I feel like I should say something to her about what I heard. I was really upset hearing the horrible things she had to say. How can I go about this? -- What I Overheard, Dallas
DEAR WHAT I OVERHEARD: This is a tricky one. Before you call your friend, think about what you hope to accomplish. Yes, you can tell your friend that you overheard her commentary about your mutual friend and that it disturbed you. But what do you want to hear from her? Obviously, she meant it if she said it. Do you want to know why she feels this way about your friend? Who she was talking to? What she feels about you?
Get straight what your objective is so that you can be clear going in. If you mainly want your friend to know that it upset you to hear her speaking so negatively about this woman, you can say that. You can also ask that she never speak that way about you. Tell her that if she ever has issues with you, you hope she would bring them directly to you.
What you should not do is go to the other friend to report on this woman's rant. All that would do is to hurt feelings. The exception would be if this woman said things that could seriously hurt the other friend's reputation.