DEAR READERS: I lost one of my very dearest friends recently. She suffered what seemed a short yet agonizing illness, and then she was gone. I know that many of you have experienced the loss of a family member or loved one, and so you know the ache that can rest in the pit of your stomach, that can throb in the beating of your heart. I now know that feeling, and it is haunting.
I share my story with you not because of how raw it remains, but because of what I have learned thus far that may be useful to you. My friend and I did the race to the finish line to ensure that all of her paperwork was in order. A woman whose life partner had passed years ago and who did not have children, my friend had not thought about the end of her life. She had no power of attorney, no health care proxy and no will. She did have significant financial resources. In her final days, which came far too soon, she asked me to help her get her proverbial house in order. And we did.
As I have asked many of my friends about their end-of-life management, I have been shocked to learn that literally nine out of 10 people I asked were in my friend's position: no written, legally binding plan stating their intentions for their possessions or even their bodies upon death.
We don't think about that uncomfortable topic too often. Death. It seems that we avoid the thought of it, at least as it relates to ourselves, with all the power within us. This is equal-opportunity neglect, by the way. From married people with children to grandparents and singles, many of us, likely most, are not ready for our transition.
Here's what happens when you aren't ready: No one knows whether you want to be buried or cremated. No one knows who should get what of our belongings. Family members fight over anything -- it was handkerchiefs in my family one time -- because they can't have their loved one back. Lawyers and courts squabble over what's left, and your loved ones end up with little to nothing -- even if you started off with a hefty inheritance for them.
Do not let this happen. My friend and I were lucky. We got her paperwork in order, though it was harrowing to do so as she lay on her deathbed. Take the time to be conscious and intentional about how you want your legacy to be defined. You are responsible for setting that up. A few simple steps handled now, no matter what your age, can make the difference between leaving your estate (regardless of how small or large) in order or in a complete mess. How do you want to be remembered? Set yourself up so that your desire can manifest.
Clear any impediments that you can so that your loved ones can grieve without the burden of scrambling to settle your affairs. That's the legacy I intend to leave. How about you?
(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)