DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter, who recently turned 21, sent me a two-word text message: "I'm pregnant." She has been dating a young man for less than a year, and I'm disappointed by this outcome. I do not know if I should lecture her on how she should live her life. I need some words of encouragement before I say something terrible about her pregnancy. Any suggestions? -- Incredulous, Bay City, Mich.
DEAR INCREDULOUS: I bet it took a lot of courage for your daughter to write you that two-word text. Chances are she is nervous, afraid, worried and possibly happy too. Rather than scold her, you need to talk to her, preferably in person. If you haven't already, start by responding to her text and asking her how she is doing.
The best thing you can do right now is to establish a clear line of communication with your daughter so that she feels at ease discussing with you how she is feeling, where her head is around this pregnancy and what the next steps are going to be. You can help her by being a sounding board for all that she is thinking and feeling. Ask her about her vision of her future and how a child can or cannot fit into it. Find out if the father intends to be an integral part of the family should she/they decide to keep the child. Talk about all options, from getting married and having the baby, not getting married and having the baby, being a single mom without his support, giving the baby up for adoption, to having an abortion. As difficult as these conversations may be, they are important so that your daughter can be crystal clear about her choices.
If she intends to keep the baby, talk about prenatal care, insurance, work, money, her future, the baby's future. Also, establish what you believe you will and will not do as it relates to caring for this child. Many grandmothers like you end up being the principal caregivers when their children have children young. Decide what you are willing to do, and make that clear up front.