DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a guy at a social event who cornered me and told me the saddest sob story about his life. I wanted to be nice to him, but it was the wrong setting to have that type of discussion. Plus, I'm not a therapist. He was so persistent that he got my card. I don't want to continue the conversation, though. I cannot help him. He needs professional help.
When he calls, which I'm sure he will, what should I say to him? I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's already fragile, but I need to protect myself as well. -- Cornered, New York
DEAR CORNERED: When this man calls, tell him immediately that you think he deserves to have professional help to support him through this time in his life. Admit that you do not have the skills to help him. If he presses you, as is likely, firmly tell him that you were happy to meet him at the event but that you cannot get together.
In the future, if someone corners you at an event, you can end the conversation. You can say something kind to the person about his or her life and then add that the event is the wrong setting to discuss such matters. Say goodbye and walk away. If asked to get together privately, just say you can't.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so mad at myself. I didn't trust my instincts and I am now paying the price. I met a woman who seemed to have it together but was a little down on her luck. She asked me if I could find any work for her. I talked to her a few times and she seemed nice and efficient, although she definitely talked too much. I had a project that I thought would be a home run for her. She would have to be social and professional at once. Part of me thought she might be too talkative, but I decided to give her a chance.
What a mistake. She stood around talking for about an hour and a half at a function where she was supposed to be working. When she wasn't talking, she was checking her email or eating. Everybody else I had brought into the project was busy working. When I mentioned her behavior to her repeatedly, she didn't improve significantly. I'm definitely not going to hire her again, but I wonder if I should say something to her about her behavior. --Disappointed, Rochester, N.Y.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The key lesson for you is trusting your instincts. I get that you want to help people in need, but it works only if you match people to their skills and abilities. If the voice inside is telling you "no," follow its lead.
It would be so generous for you to talk to this woman and describe your observations about her behavior to her. Especially since you know that she has been unsuccessfully looking for work, you may want to share your understanding about what may be keeping her from employment. Slacking off on the job is at the top of the list. She may get mad at you, but your charity in this way is priceless.