AIR TRAVEL MADE UNPLEASANT BY OVERBEARING PERSONNEL

My life is almost complete. Recently I was on a TV show on "extreme catfighting" -- the closest I'll ever get to Jerry Springer -- and I shook hands with John Davis, hero to frequent fliers everywhere.

Mild-mannered Davis was attempting to fly Continental Airlines to Florida with his wife and toddler a couple of weeks ago. (For frequent fliers, your stomach is already in a knot.) After the standard two-hour delay, Davis' child broke from his parents and ran onto the jetway leading to the aircraft, presumably hoping to start a trend. The accounts of the resulting altercation begin to differ at this point, so I'll go with the version that reflects most poorly on my hero.

As John Davis and his wife were running for their toddler on the jetway, the Continental Airlines ticket-taker blocked Mr. Davis' way, stood between father and child, and informed Mr. Davis that he could not enter the jetway without a boarding pass. Remember, all this Continental Airlines readily admits. The father responded the way fathers are wont to do in such situations, which is violently. Davis is a slight man; the damage he did to the ticket-taker reminds one of lessons on adrenaline in biology class involving mothers who lifted Volkswagens to release pinned children.

The lesson of this and many other happy travel stories is that humans are fascists by nature. Give some humans control over other humans and they will seamlessly transform into brownshirts -- patting you down, ripping apart your belongings, breaking your valuables, telling you where to stand, to drink, to smoke, and when to go to the bathroom. And if you complain they will arrest you. Worse, they will bump you or your luggage or take away your nice aisle seat and give you a center seat.

But the head of Continental Airlines reacted as if his faithful employee had brilliantly averted another toddler-down-the-jetway scam. He called for a federal law, not banning hairless simians from total control over other people's lives at airports, but banning "violent" passengers from the airways. Interestingly, he said that "air rage" cannot be tolerated -- no matter what the reason. No matter what the reason? A no-matter-what-the-reason standard could come only from a person who flashes a "Chief Executive, Continental Airlines" card when he flies.

Admittedly, I have seen plenty of dumb and nasty passengers and also plenty of patient -- saintly -- airline employees, who have completely suppressed the human instinct to fascism. And that's not just the Stockholm Syndrome speaking.

But if we're talking federal laws, a really useful federal law would one that prohibits pilots from talking. There is nothing that makes you feel as if you are in Orwell's "1984" as much as being trapped on an airplane with a pilot who thinks he's Shecky Greene. You can't leave the plane, obviously. You generally can't even leave your seat or turn on your Walkman. The only other places in this country where you can be forced to listen to someone talk are prison or grade school. And prison guards and teachers have more interesting information than (BEGIN ITALS)we are over Cleveland right now(END ITALS).

Several years ago, one of my father's business colleagues was trapped on a plane when the pilot began to play out his fantasy of being a tour guide. The colleague called over a flight attendant, handed her a section of his paper, and asked her to give it to the pilot so he'd stop annoying the passengers with his incessant jabbering. When the plane landed, the businessman was arrested. That's a true story.

Americans may vote for creeping socialism, but deep in their beings they sense that they are still free, that this is not yet Orwell's "1984." As long as there are some people who are not willing to roll over for the airline fascists and be docile sheep -- (BEGIN ITALS)Stand in line, open your bag, walk through the metal detector again, take off your belt, take off your coat, take off your jewelry, stand in line, turn on your computer, present your ID, has anyone given you anything? no drinking, no smoking, you'll have to check that, stand here, sit down, don't get up, put your seatback up, turn off your computer, we're at 30,000 feet and if you look to your left you can see Pittsburgh(END ITALS) -- there will be John Davises.