If a waitress accidentally spilled a glass of water on me during a meal, I imagine I'd be a little annoyed. Even if I knew it was a mistake, I might sigh with exasperation and likely let my impatience show in some way. Recently, I saw a teenager handle this situation in a remarkable way.
She was sitting with her sister and father at a sushi restaurant, and the server was placing water glasses on the table. One of the glasses was knocked over, and the water spilled on the girl's lap.
It was late on a Saturday afternoon, and the small restaurant was empty except their group and me and my daughter sitting across the way.
Of course, the waitress immediately began apologizing and tried to wipe the girl's pants. The young lady stood up, patted her self with some napkins and said: "Don't worry about it. It's water. It will dry." She went back to enjoying her lunch with her family. When the server came by later and asked how she was doing, the girl smiled and said, "It's pretty much dry now."
Varisa Tsau, 45, moved to the St. Louis area a year and a half ago from Thailand. She's been working as a waitress and speaks limited English. "I felt sorry she was so wet," Tsau told me later. She said that she appreciated that the girl was not angry. "She said sorry to me, too."
I approached the girl's table before leaving and told her that I had seen how graciously she treated the waitress and how impressed I was by her reaction. She giggled a little nervously, and thanked me.
It was the expression on her father's face that I immediately recognized. He looked very proud of his girl.
It took me back to a plane ride when my children were four and two years old. I had planned a different activity for every fifteen minutes of the two-and-a-half hour flight. The goal was to keep them quiet and in their seats, a challenge when flying solo with toddlers. I was exhausted by the time we landed. An older woman sitting behind me leaned forward and said: "Mom, you deserve a medal. I got tired just watching you."
She may as well have handed me a Nobel Prize. I was so appreciative of her words, and that kindness made an impression that has stayed with me ever since.
Beth Harpaz, an author who writes about parenting for the Associated Press, says whenever she sees parents with well-behaved children dining in a restaurant, she makes it a point to tell them: "You guys are great parents. When my kids were little we never had a peaceful meal, so I know how hard it is to do what you're doing."
"They're so pleased and so proud of their kids," she said. "I empathize deeply with the parents who are trying to make it work." And children benefit from overhearing the compliment, as well. It's positive reinforcement for everyone.
Harpaz remembers taking her two sons to Paris when they were 5 and 9 years old. Calamity ensured at every restaurant meal, from dropped silverware and spilled drinks to fights between the two. At their last meal, she devoted herself to making sure it went smoothly, refereeing any potential arguments, catching any falling objects before they hit the ground or table. "I was like a traffic cop. I wasn't even eating food, I was preventing disaster."
When it was over, the people sitting next to them commented on what wonderfully well-behaved children they had. She and her husband cracked up laughing because they knew the Herculean effort involved in that meal. "I was so happy that someone noticed," Harpaz said.
Too often, parents know the embarrassment and frustration of children misbehaving in public. Strangers can be quick to cast a judgmental eye at the mother of a child having a tantrum in a grocery store, losing it on a flight or in a restaurant. Some will chastise perfect strangers for what they perceive to be parenting failures. But on the occasions when the opposite happens, when someone unbound by friendship or familial ties notices and compliments our child's behavior, it can make a profound impact.