DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my husband for four years. Not only do I have a strong relationship with my in-laws, but they get along very well with my lesbian mother, her wife and their child.
It came as a great shock last week when my mother-in-law mentioned her strong belief that LGBT folks are "abnormal" and that gay couples shouldn't have children. She has never said anything homophobic before, but I am very upset.
She apologized by saying that she didn't intend to hurt my feelings, but now I'm concerned about family gatherings where both my in-laws and my moms and sister will be present. Should I tell my moms what my mother-in-law said? Should I avoid inviting them to the same events? Or should I just pretend it didn't happen?
GENTLE READER: Surely your husband is the one to point out to his mother that if LGBT people shouldn't have children, he might not have his wife, who considers them her parents even if there was a previous union involved; nor would she have her sibling. This should smoke out whether she intended to insult you or was merely expressing horrid general bigotry.
Of course the "But I didn't mean you, dear" defense is unacceptable. But it could open a discussion that might lead to enlightenment, apologies and remorse. Miss Manners suggests that this could be hastened along by your husband saying that you both no longer feel right about subjecting your family to her prejudices, and will miss her at future family events.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)