Miss Manners

Wife and Husband Come as a Set, and Shouldn't Attend Wedding That Doesn't Invite Both

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college roommate and I have remained close friends over the years. She called to tell me that she was engaged and was planning a small wedding next fall. As this is a second marriage for both, her plan is to keep the ceremony and reception small, with only family and very close friends.

I was happy with her news and offered to host a small dinner before the wedding. She seemed thrilled and accepted with much expressed gratitude.

As the wedding approaches, my former roommate and I have talked about the various plans going on, as well as my dinner. At the end of a follow-up call, she said: "Invitations have gone in the mail today, and while you are invited to the wedding, your husband is not. I really don't care for him."

I was at a loss for words and ended the call. We have been close friends for 40 years and have named children after each other. I'm in a state of shock.

What should I tell my husband, and what advice do you have for me?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is far from justifying this atrocious behavior, she is hoping, for your sake, that this woman is suffering from an acute case of a common, if unacceptable, affliction: bridal monstrosity. Surely when she comes to her senses, she will apologize profusely.

But Miss Manners would be happy to help you speed up that process by suggesting you say in your most measured tone, "Well, I am afraid that my husband and I come as a set, something I'm sure you and Travis would want to be considered once you are married. And I'll assume, therefore, that you won't be wanting us to host the dinner, since my husband and the house also come together."

If the first statement doesn't wake her up, surely the cancellation of the party, for which she expressed so much gratitude, will.

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