DEAR MISS MANNERS: When cultural differences result in different expectations of the hostess/guest obligations, to whose culture should we defer; the hostess's or the guest's?
For example, if one's guest's culture promotes making oneself at home, helping themselves to plates, drinks, etc., and the hostess's culture promotes playing hostess and getting those items for her guests, should the guest allow the hostess to do what she is comfortable and wants to do, i.e., serve her guests, or should the hostess allow the guests to make themselves at home?
I was taught that you defer to the hostess, as you are a guest in their home and subject to their rules, which means that if you are told to make yourself at home, you do so, and if you are not, you graciously accept the efforts of the hostess.
My friend, however, disagrees and believes that it is the hostess' obligation to make her guests comfortable, and defer to their culture. Who is right?
GENTLE READER: "Culture"?
Do you have foreign visitors from hitherto undocumented societies where people are required, for the sake of politeness, to make free with others' possessions?
Or is this being passed off as youth culture by those who behave this way in their own and parental homes, but would not invite reciprocity in others' taking command of their private stashes?
For that matter, do they -- and you -- believe that the expression "make yourself at home" is meant to be taken literally? Does that mean, for example, that guests could toss out or sell items they don't happen to like?
As you may gather, Miss Manners is fed up with hearing what is universally acknowledged to be rudeness described as culture. Of course it is the hosts' job to dispense hospitality to their guests. And if that does not make the guests comfortable, they should not be visiting.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my family attended a Quinceanera, a very formal affair, my 6-year old daughter was asked to participate in the church service. I was instructed to dress her in a violet gown.
She wore a violet silk dupioni gown that I labored over, working through many nights to finish it in time for the event.
At the church, my sister-in-law approached me and asked me if I made the gown. I said, "yes." She said to me, "I wasn't that ambitious."
I couldn't help feeling that this was a veiled insult. I replied that it was difficult to purchase gowns for young girls in this color and mentioned that it gave me great joy to sew for my daughter.
Can you advise me as to how I might handle these veiled insults during future family functions?
GENTLE READER: By not looking under the veil.
It seems like a pretty thick veil, anyway. Miss Manners would have taken this as meaning that you have high standards. But even if there is a history of sniping that convinces you otherwise, your answer was fine. You might just add, "But your daughter looks lovely."
: