DEAR MISS MANNERS: A group with whom I was hiking in Peru passed close to a woman and a boy working the land on a picturesque hillside. Each of my fellow tourists photographed them as they walked by. The people at work did not visibly react.
In the towns, one sees local country people who come in their traditional clothing, with their animals, solely to make money posing for photographs, which is perhaps why the farmer photographs made me uncomfortable. It seemed to me that the people should have been offered payment for their participation, or at least asked permission.
I didn't do anything, but the interaction seemed a bit insulting to the people at work, treating them as part of the scenery. Should I have apologized to them or offered them some payment? I did not know the other people on the tour, although that would not have been obvious to an observer.
GENTLE READER: You are to be commended on your ability to distinguish human beings from scenery.
Miss Manners means that sincerely. As you noticed, an amazing number of people are unable to make this leap.
Nor is the problem confined to photographing picturesque foreigners. Since cameras became almost standard equipment on telephones, strangers, friends and relatives all find themselves the unauthorized subjects of photographs, often posted on the Internet for all the world to see.
The universal rule is that you must ask people's permission before photographing them. And anyone contemplating saying yes would be wise to ask what use will be made of the pictures.
So unless the Peruvians were shown as merely small figures in a landscape, your fellow tourists were at best callous.
However commendable your desire to correct this, you must be cautious about your own manners. It is now hard for Americans to imagine that being offered money could be construed as an insult, but in the America of a century ago, it was, and there are places where dignity is still considered more important. Tipping is not as ingrained a custom in Peru as here, and the fact that some Peruvians work as models does not mean that all do.
Had your companions asked in advance, they would have given their subjects the chance to say that they charged. After the fact, you could have provided the opening by saying, "Thank you, I hope we didn't disturb you."
Choking on the "we," when you dearly hoped to disassociate yourself from the group? It's to protect you from yet another rudeness, that of chastising them before others. Sorry.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a niece that addresses all mail Mr. and Mrs. Smith. She never includes the first name of anyone. We feel this is disrespectful.
GENTLE READER: Well, no. Miss Manners begs you not to find imaginary insults in someone who is first of all, writing to you, and second, using honorifics. Both habits have become rare.
Traditionally, omitting the first names like that indicates that you are THE Smiths -- the heads of the family or its most distinguished members. See if you can find an insult in that.
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