DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband's girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home-wrecker in the least and unprintable names at the worst.
I am forced to be civil to my ex because of our son, but am I also required to acknowledge her? In the next few weeks, we will be at the same soccer game together, and I don't know what to do or say to her, nor how to handle the inevitable meeting on the sidelines to congratulate my son.
GENTLE READER: The term "home wrecker" has always puzzled Miss Manners. She has no wish to defend the people to whom it is applied, but surely home wrecking cannot be accomplished without a permit from one of the homeowners. Yet marital wrath is often stronger toward the outsider than against the insider who allowed her in.
True, you say you are civil to your former husband only for the sake of your son, which is a wise course to take. But don't you realize how devastating it would be to your son to use the public occasion of his game to demonstrate your contempt for his father's companion?
Besides, you have an additional reason to be civil to her. That is that you want to make her feel terrible.
If you cut her or, worse, say something cutting, you will broadcast the impression that you are either ill natured or devastated or both. This will only confirm any notion she holds that your former husband was justified in leaving you and that she has secured a prize that you -- with your longer experience of what he is like -- still want.
If, however, you are able to be cheerful and cordial, you will broadcast the impression that you are not only good-natured, but happy to be relieved of the burden she has assumed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine recently borrowed an automobile for a period of two days. When she picked it up, the gas tank was almost empty. Before returning it, she felt obliged to fill the tank completely -- at a significant cost, given today's gasoline prices.
I was of the opinion that her only obligation was to return the vehicle in the condition it was received -- including the amount of gasoline.
If it were taken with a full tank, it should be returned with a full tank. However, although it might be a nice gesture or expression of thanks to fill the tank, the price seems like a steep price to pay to borrow someone's car for a short period of time.
Is there a special rule for this situation, or does it fall under the general principal to treat loaned items with care and return them in the same condition in which they were received?
GENTLE READER: But things are not the same as they were before the loan was made, Miss Manners insists. The car is two days older, with more mileage, and its owner has been without it for two days.
We therefore must recognize that a favor has been done, and, therefore, that your friend is in the car owner's debt.
But how does one pay such a debt?
Money is out of the question; that would insult a generosity by turning it into a car rental. A return favor is owed, but it may be some time before the opportunity for such presents itself.
So your friend has done something thoughtful in the meantime. Why do you grudge this?
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