DEAR MISS MANNERS: A small group of girls and myself were having a discussion. Somehow, the discussion got off track and deteriorated into a comparing of bust sizes. As I thought that rather vulgar, I refrained from joining the discussion. That is, until one girl said, "Well, we've all shared," obviously expecting a reply! Other than being flabbergasted, how should I have responded?
GENTLE READER: "You sure have. So I suppose it's all right if I tell other people? Or only anyone who asks?"
Miss Manners assures you that the conversation will then explode into indignant and (because your friends know who in the class might ask such a thing) frightened protests about privacy. They will thus have stated your argument without troubling you to do so.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is planning a 20th wedding anniversary party for my husband and me, with her side of the family as the guests. Normally, we enjoy getting together with his family, but I am worried about this event.
My husband and I were married as teenagers and in a hurry because I was pregnant with our daughter. We made our invitations by phone, agreeing we would each invite whomever of our family and friends we wished to have in attendance.
I invited many family members and friends. My husband invited a few friends and his immediate family. He is not terribly social, and I thought this was his choice until after the wedding, when he confided in me that his mother had asked him not to invite the extended family.
My worry is that since this is an anniversary party, my husband's family will no doubt recall they were not at the wedding and wonder why. If the subject comes up, I have no desire whatsoever to embarrass my mother-in-law by giving the real reason they were not invited, but I also do not want any of the relatives to feel that they were not wanted at our wedding. (I am very fond of them, and, if I had known them then, I would have invited them myself.) I hope the subject does not arise, but if it does, what can I say that will spare everyone's feelings?
Also, is it appropriate in this case to make a suggestion for an addition to the guest list? Both my parents are deceased, but I would very much like to invite my stepmother to this event. Is it acceptable to suggest this to my mother-in-law?
GENTLE READER: A lot has happened in those 20 years. The younger relatives won't understand why you felt you had to get married in a hurry just because you were pregnant. And the older relatives might not remember whether they went to your wedding, or whether that was Cousin Bucky's wedding they were thinking of.
People rarely bother, these days, to count the months backward from a birth to a wedding, although that was once a major sport. And presumably, your mother-in-law no longer feels the need to protect her relatives from any shock, except that of finding that a hasty young marriage stood the test of time.
Miss Manners doesn't think any of your worries will be much of a problem. Sentimental talk at anniversaries focuses more on the years of marriage than on the wedding day, and you can dismiss any inquiries with, "Remember, we were a couple of kids. We threw it together rather haphazardly. Not like today, when people spend years agonizing over every detail." That always turns the conversation to excesses at recently attended weddings.
Just warn your stepmother, who should be included, not to go around cheerfully asking people to tell her about the wedding.
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