DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have, for some years, been hiking a relatively secluded, wooded trail that hugs the side of a canyon where I can enjoy the peace, tranquility and gentle sounds of nature.
Recently, the setting has been altered by a man who has chosen to practice bagpipes near the head of the trail. The acoustics of the land are such that sound carries for great distances, and even well into my walk I can still hear him.
As a devoted amateur musician and lover of most music, including bagpipes, and with sensitive hearing, I find myself dismayed that the aesthetics of this natural setting have been altered. I might add that the player does not seem to play songs, but rather tends to improvise and noodle along.
While this may not rival the intrusiveness of booming car stereo music that rattles one's windows and internal organs, I still find it incompatible with this hitherto tranquil place.
Am I incorrect in questioning the player's judgment in choosing this venue, and, if not, is there a polite way of communicating with him?
GENTLE READER: Have you no pity for the desperate person who said, "If you must play that thing, will you at least take it outdoors, where it won't drive a body crazy?"
Oh, wait. It drives you crazy.
And yet you say you are a lover of even bagpipe music. How are you going to have any if the musicians have no place to practice?
No, not Miss Manners' front porch. But thanks, just the same.
She suggests that you track down the musician, compliment the playing, and then ask when he practices. Then see if you can work out a compromise about who is in the woods when. It will be easier if you say you would enjoy hearing him perform some time but need the quiet walks to clear your head.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: After being together a dozen years, my male partner and I married when it became legal for us to travel to another country and do so. I know that marriage changes the social status of a relationship. We wear matching wedding bands, though we actually acquired them and began wearing them long before any public or legal ceremony.
I am proud of my marriage and want, by my example, to help make same-sex marriage visible. I still introduce my partner as my "partner," even when we have traveled to countries or states where our marriage is recognized. Is there some way I can gracefully introduce my partner that reflects our marriage? Calling him my "husband" seems pretentious. Or am I being pretentious in wanting to publicize the fact that our relationship has been consummated by marriage?
GENTLE READER: Why do you consider it pretentious to call him your husband? Isn't the point that it is no longer a pretend marriage?
That said, Miss Manners hopes you understand that there is a difference in going public and publicizing. By all means, employ the conventional terms and acknowledgements of marriage. The more you get used to doing this normally, rather than as propaganda, the more unremarkable it will seem to others. And that, not shock, is surely the reaction you want.
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