DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious about the tradition of wedding dances. We have the happy couple's first dance. Then there is the father/daughter dance followed by the mother/son. By now, all the guests at the reception are happily chatting amongst themselves, no longer paying attention, and we segue into the son and mother-in-law, etc.
What is appropriate for an evening wedding with a band or D.J.? How long should the dances be, and how many should there be?
GENTLE READER: The idea is for the bridal couple to open the dancing, not to give a private dance featuring their relatives, while the guests' function is to stand around admiring them.
Or not. No wonder couples confess to nervousness about the simple act of dancing with each other. Getting married is not a sufficient qualification to stage a dance performance before an audience.
Miss Manners gathers that you have heard about those lists in which the order of dancing is specified for a long line of relatives, regardless of whether or not they are on speaking terms. Such overplanning arises from the suspicion that the gentlemen of the wedding party are innocent of the requirement to dance with the principal ladies instead of only following their personal preferences.
The idea is for the parents to dance with the couple and one another, and, by the way, it would be nice if the gentlemen asked Granny to dance, too. And for the guests to be treated as guests.
Guests should not be kept waiting, even the full length of one dance. Halfway through the bridal couple's dance, the bride's father cuts in to dance with his daughter and the bereft bridegroom turns to his mother. (This can also be done with the respective in-laws first.) At this point, the bridesmaids and groomsmen should take to the dance floor and encourage the other guests to follow.
Presumably, the bridal couple's enjoyment is in gazing at each other, not in being gazed at.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss recently hosted a company picnic at his residence. This event was considered a command performance. If you were not otherwise on company business/travel or on vacation, you were expected to attend.
It was a staff person who organized the event (catering, balloons, decorations). Neither the boss nor his wife had to bother with anything other than entertaining staff.
However, several staff showed up with host/hostess gifts such as bottles of wine, plants, etc. I say this was inappropriate and only served to embarrass the boss, but others were confused about what to do. Who is correct? If I am correct, how to discourage this behavior next year?
GENTLE READER: You have two mistaken premises here, Miss Manners feels obliged to point out. A small present given to one's hosts is not compensation for having cooked and vacuumed. (Nor is it, as others seem to feel, repayment for the meal.) It is merely an optional courtesy. And whether others choose to take this option is out of your control.
Miss Manners happens to think that it is a bit much to bring presents to one's boss's compulsory gathering, and perhaps your boss does, too. Perhaps not. But if he is counting donations and penalizing those who don't come across, you would better spend your time looking for a decent job.
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