DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can assist me in determining the appropriate means and milieu to announce an engagement.
As of yesterday, I became "officially" engaged to my long term, live-in boyfriend. I use the term "officially" since I actually received the ring I had picked out approximately 18 months ago and we have been living together for nearly two years. A number of circumstances (including a sibling who was diagnosed and subsequently passed away from an extended illness) delayed the time between our decision to wed and the presentation of the ring.
In response to my family's numerous questions about when we would marry during that time, I responded that we had already decided to do so and were not in any hurry (which is true). However, I have been referring to him as my "fiance" since that time.
Now that I've received the ring, I am joyful. I want to share my joy with others (including former co-workers whom I consider close acquaintances and with whom I wish to share this good news, since they supported me during difficult times), but I am uncomfortable for two reasons:
??1) Since I have been referring to him as my fiance for so long, I assume that these folks might rightly wonder what the big deal is about the ring.
2) I fear that providing this information is the equivalent of soliciting congratulations. I am not comfortable being the object of attention, nor do I wish for others who are not very close friends to think that I am merely telling them as a means of bragging or of soliciting gifts. (We are not planning any sort of engagement party.)
Although a date is not set, we plan to have a small intimate wedding with only very close friends and family -- these colleagues would not be invited. With all this in mind, is it appropriate to mention my engagement or to send an informal e-mail with a photograph of us together?
GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners would like to help you prolong the excitement by declaring 47 stages of engagement, she is afraid that your forebodings are accurate. There are only so many times you can expect a burst of enthusiasm by announcing the same engagement.
Whatever terminology you and your fiance enjoy using is fine between you, but you actually became engaged whenever you agreed to marry. You then went public with it and, Miss Manners trusts, received everyone's good wishes. You may now go around confiding to friends that you received an engagement ring, which is, indeed, tantamount to asking for admiration, but is generally indulged.
But one is allowed only so many "Guess what!" moments.
Once you let go of the idea of "official" occasions, you will be able to revert to your normal polite consideration of who would like to know what, and to put it in a normally friendly form.
That you now have an engagement ring will be of interest only to those who are close to you, or those whose engagement rings you have admired. Relatives should be receptive to pictures of you and your fiance, as should any good friends who have not met him. As long as you think of all this as part of the normal give and take of minor news that friends and family trade, rather than as An Announcement, you should be able to spread the word without undue self-aggrandizement.
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