DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been mildly depressed for the past year or so. I am, thankfully, now receiving counseling and medical assistance -- but I am anxious about getting back in touch with friends around the country.
During the course of my illness, I'm afraid I have treated them badly -- failing to respond to e-mails, invitations and phone calls. I have thought of them often, and missed them deeply - but been unable to reach out.
How can I get back in touch? How can I apologize for my neglect without dumping my mental-health problems on them or making them feel awkward? Rehashing why I've failed to call makes me more sad (and less likely to call). What can I do?
GENTLE READER: That there might be an advantage to living in a society where many people neglect their social duties was something Miss Manners did not suspect. But this is what will enable you to apologize without surrendering your privacy.
Not that she would countenance your adopting their standard excuse of being "terribly busy." All that says is that the people to whom it is addressed were a low priority and seem to have nothing better to do than to try keep up with you.
Just go with the rest of it -- how dreadful you feel about neglecting them, how deeply you miss them and how much you hope they will forgive you and resume the friendships.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't say "no;" I also ?didn't say "yes." I explained that I didn't feel ready to be engaged, ?particularly as I have just started graduate school and we would ?likely not hold the wedding for several years.
I stressed that this ?didn't mean that I didn't want to marry him, and he understands my ?feelings, though he doesn't share them. We have agreed that we will ?wait to be engaged until I'm ready, and he has told me to keep the ?ring he gave me until then.
My question has to do with that ring, which is very lovely but rather ?larger and more formal than I can comfortably wear day-to-day. His ?mother helped him select it from those that had been passed onto her from his grandmother, and my boyfriend said she offered to let me ?pick a different one if I liked.
I would, however, prefer to avoid ?the symbolism of giving back his ring, and I furthermore don't like the idea of picking over his family heirlooms for those I like best.
I have always liked the idea of having a plain silver band as an ?engagement ring, and I would like to purchase such a ring to give to ?him, when the time comes. I wondered if it would be appropriate for ?me to buy myself a matching engagement ring for every-day wear at the ?same time, saving the one he gave me for formal occasions.
GENTLE READER: You don't see anything wrong with the symbolism of buying your own engagement ring? Uh-oh.
But since you are not engaged, this is not a problem. Nor, considering that circumstance, should you be hanging on to another family's ring.
Now please don't mind all this scolding. Miss Manners is using it to solve your problems.
You send back the family ring with a charming note telling the mother that you love her son dearly, and look forward to accepting this, or whichever ring she chooses, at the proper time. (The "whichever" will remind her to offer you the choice.) When the time comes, you may choose something more to your liking. But you could also confide that it is so lovely that you are afraid to wear it every day, and that if he wanted to get you something very simple for ordinary use, say a plain silver band, for example, you would proudly wear the family ring on festive occasions (which would include every time you see his mother).
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