DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and while attempting to make a new bottle of ketchup serviceable one day, I used my teeth to remove the tab covering the opening. My father went berserk and called me "barbaric."
I can see how one might perceive my actions as impolite; however, I could see no other options. I had first attempted to open the bottle with my fingers, but to no avail. Using a knife or an alternate utensil to pry off or otherwise pierce the tab also proved ineffective.
Furthermore, my father and I were not entertaining company, and I committed the offensive act before entering the dining room, in the kitchen.
Were my actions permissible? I feel that decorum should not override convenience when one is left with no other recourse. (My father was busy at the time and could not open the bottle himself.)
My other question involves eating food with one's hands. I feel that with some foods, this technique is both appropriate and necessary, and, thus, occasionally acceptable. My father sometimes complains when I do so. With the prevalence of finger-food in American culture today, is my behavior acceptable?
GENTLE READER: If you know which are always finger foods even under the most formal circumstances (canapes and grapes, for example), and also when some foods (such as chicken and fruit) are and when they are not, then yes. This is a matter of custom, not applied engineering. If you are simply popping things into your mouth by hand when you find it convenient, then no, your behavior is not acceptable.
Your inclination to argue with your father makes Miss Manners leery of telling you that etiquette, being a social discipline, doesn't care what you do when you are unobserved. But that not only means avoiding company; it also means not being caught by your father.
So technically, you should be able to open ketchup bottles with your teeth when your father isn't looking. But since he is the one who pays your dental bills, Miss Manners understands his concern.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Spanish teacher is moving soon because her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so she's going to move in with her to take care of her.
I want to get a nice goodbye gift basket for her. I was thinking maybe putting in a book in the basket about Alzheimer's or how to take care of people who have it, or how to deal with your loved ones having it. I suggested this to one of my friends and she said it would be rude, and most likely she won't wanna think about it. Do you think it's inappropriate?
GENTLE READER: Yes, although Miss Manners does not agree with your friend's reasoning. Of course your teacher has been giving serious thought to the situation she is assuming. You must do her the courtesy of assuming that she is preparing for it as best she can.
Therefore any book on the subject you may happen to pick up might already be familiar to her, or might be directed at those who are only beginning to consider the matter.
It would be kinder to remember that however consuming her efforts will be, she retains an identity other than that of caretaker. Your choice of a book, or any other present, should reflect what you know of her tastes and interests. More importantly, it should be accompanied by note of appreciation saying that she will be missed.
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