DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree that the marrying age is increasing and that often brides and grooms are more independent, but the bride's parents are still responsible for the wedding. Parents have two or three decades to notice that they have a daughter, and to realize that someday she will probably marry. Saving for a wedding should be a priority, and a wedding should not take the bride's parents by surprise.
It seems that parents often dismiss this responsibility, as some dismiss their responsibility to plan for their children's college education. This is consistent with our self-centered society.
If parents have to go into debt to pay for their daughter's wedding, then shame on them for not planning ahead. Yes, the costs should be reasonable, and the bride and groom can contribute their own funds if they want something extravagant, but $10,000 to $20,000 is not extravagant for a middle to upper-middle class family in this culture. Think of it as a wedding gift from the parents instead of the dowry that was required from the parents in past centuries.
GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Surely the complaint about "our self-centered society" was the tip-off. Please tell Miss Manners -- and more importantly, your parents -- that you are joking.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to say "maybe" to an invitation? I have difficulty with that, so I sometimes say, "I'll see." I never thought of this as rude. I personally need to be in the moment, mostly. How do I know how I'll feel next Thursday? Sometimes I just don't have the energy to go out. I'm 55 with some health issues I don't care to discuss with everyone. Is this rude?
GENTLE READER: What is rude is that the only feelings you have taken into account are your own. That is practically the definition of being rude.
What about the feelings of people who are kind enough to extend invitations? For that matter, what about their schedules? Should they hold themselves committed and prepared to receive you until the last moment?
Hedging would allow you to live in the moment, but it would put them into suspension, unable to count on you or to replace you with another guest.
You did plead ill health, however, and Miss Manners, who is not a monster, admits that this trumps social obligations. If you have a genuine last-minute emergency, you can cancel with a specific excuse and a profuse apology.
But a chronic state that makes it likely that you will not feel like attending is unfortunately an ongoing limitation. To show consideration of your hosts, you would have to decline anything for which your absence would be conspicuous (not to mention costly) -- dinner parties, theater dates and such.
Even for more flexible events, "maybe" is not a polite choice. What you can do is to throw in a point of negotiation when you decline: "Oh, I'd love to, but I've been somewhat overtaxed, and I don't dare accept in case I won't be able to make it."
Some hosts may tell you to come if you feel up to it. Silence, or "Oh, too bad" means your refusal stands.
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