DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have offended my sister-in-law by talking about my day and not asking about hers. She hung up on me because she says I do this all the time.
She is probably correct, but I am used to my other friends just telling me without being prompted. I have apologized -- to an answering machine, as she would not take my call.
How do I handle this? I feel sick she feels I don't care, and really I am just busy and was excited about my day.
GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law has a point. Or at any rate, she did before she lost all etiquette credibility by hanging up on you. You have no idea how hard it is on Miss Manners that those interested in the advance of etiquette so often consider themselves exempt from practicing it.
In extraordinary circumstances, one can blurt out "Guess what?" and give exciting news before inquiring about the other person. To do that all the time, and never to inquire about others, is the definition of a selfish boor.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, years ago, a preschool teacher and nanny, and so am very good with children. Because I love them and miss working with them, my friends all know that if they have an emergency, or if their baby sitter cancels, they can call on me and I'm delighted to come watch the kiddies. I have no interest in being anyone's regular baby sitter; I have my own career. But it's fun to do occasionally.
Often, the people my friends are going out with will come by the house, either before or after the event. If my friends are in the room when I meet these people, it's no problem; introductions are made. More often than not, though, they're off checking on the kids, and so the guests and I meet on our own.
For me, I am meeting and chatting with friends of my friends, people I will no doubt be at a dinner party with at some point. For them, they are chatting with the hired help. Most of them aren't snobbish or anything; they are perfectly polite -- the way one should be to a friend's employee. But I can see them becoming uncomfortable when I help myself to a drink and ask them how they know our friends.
When our friends do finally reappear and introduce me (or don't, assuming I already have), their friends feel embarrassed. What can I say to people to make my position clear? Or should I just act like the employee they assume I am until an introduction can be made?
GENTLE READER: Why do you think that an introduction cannot be made when your hosts are absent?
Miss Manners realizes that things would be easier if your friends were there to say, "This is our dear friend Tori Bonnet, who rescued us when our baby sitter cancelled. She offered to stay with the children, who adore her. Isn't she wonderful? We only wish she were joining us, but unfortunately she can't do both at once."
But people who find themselves under the same roof without a host in sight are supposed to introduce themselves. You can't make it quite as glowing, but you can say, "I'm a friend of Mary's and Noah's, and I'm pinch-hitting for the baby sitter." They would then know that they should not ask you if you are free next Saturday and how much you charge by the hour.
: