DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes, among relatives, it becomes a necessity for one to disseminate a small portion of private, personal information, if only to get one's mother off their back.
If I choose to share this information with this particular relative (my mother), should I not expect that information to remain the privilege of the particular person it was shared with?
I understand that it would be improper of me to reprove someone (least of all my mother) for betraying the trust of personal information, but short of not sharing said information, is there anything one could say beforehand to try and hinder this type of behavior?
GENTLE READER: Of course you should not reprove your mother. The customary method, Miss Manners believes, is to blackmail her.
This is done by saying, "You know, I'd love to talk things over with you, but these are highly confidential matters, and if you're tempted to tell anyone, I'd better not."
Your mother will, of course, promise silence (meaning that she will ask her confidants not to tell, thus expecting more loyalty from them than she is willing to give you). That is when you issue your threat: "OK, but if you find you can't resist, it's sure to get back to me, and it will make me reluctant to tell you anything again, which would deprive me of your wisdom."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In an attempt to beat the heat last night, I went to my local coffeehouse and camped out in the air-conditioning with an iced chai and a book.
A woman sat down three chairs away. She flipped open her laptop, and suddenly the speakers began playing an Italian-language tutorial. Since I don't speak Italian, and have no desire to learn, I found this frustrating.
After 30 minutes of this, she treated us to music from her laptop. The establishment had been playing Nina Simone over the loudspeakers -- quietly -- but the woman drowned this out with her discordant heavy metal. Glares and dirty looks failed to elicit a response. Finally, frustrated, I got up and stalked out into the heat.
Oddly enough, the gentlemen sitting next to me had a conversation at almost the same decibel level, but I didn't find this offensive in the least.
Both you and my mother have always said it's rude to tell someone when they are being rude. But is there any way to inform this young lady that she is impinging her will upon the rest of the customers, and that this is not done in polite society? Perhaps she honestly didn't know any better -- her mama didn't teach her the same things mine did.
OK, that's ingenuous, but it was the only approach I could think of and stay within the bounds of manners. Any thoughts or possible future solutions? The weatherman says it's going to be hot again next week and this may happen again.
GENTLE READER: Sorry, but neither your mother nor Miss Manners considers the pseudo-pitying comment that the offender doesn't know any better to be exempt from the rule against calling people rude.
You do not inform the offender; you inform the coffeehouse management. As these become more like 16th-century coffeehouses, each will have to decide whether it wants to be a home for the noisemakers or the quiet types, and customers will have to choose their establishments accordingly.
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