DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a concert put on by an amateur choral group and orchestra, where my husband and I were quite impressed with the performance, a piece that had several movements was performed. I have always believed that one is supposed to wait to the end of the entire piece to applaud, rather than to applaud at the end of each movement.
But in this case, many people began applauding at the end of each movement. The conductor did not turn to acknowledge the applause, and he continued with the next movement, so I feel we were correct in waiting to applaud. However, I did feel uncomfortable not to applaud with others at a performance that I enjoyed. What is correct in this situation?
GENTLE READER: Stripped of its cultural particulars, your question is whether it is correct to be correct or better to join others in being incorrect.
If pressed, Miss Manners could produce examples of good manners requiring suppressing one's own good manners in order not to expose the understandable ignorance of others. Heads of state famously drink from their fingerbowls if their foreign guests do out of unfamiliarity with the custom, but this does not mean that people in ordinary situations should lower their standards to meet those of people who should know better.
In this case, you would be disobeying a practical rule, intended to allow the composition to be heard as a whole, without benefiting anyone. Other members of the audience are unlikely to be overcome with shame at your failing to interrupt the conductor in mid-stream, and he, as you noticed, was clearly annoyed.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please give me your thoughts about people who send flowers for a funeral service and designate that the flowers go to a certain family member after the service. Isn't that a lot to ask of a grieving family, to have that extra chore? And doesn't it show favoritism to a certain member of the family? When flowers are sent, shouldn't it be up to the family where they go after the funeral service?
GENTLE READER: The family may be inconvenienced by this, but Miss Manners notices that the person who is slighted is the deceased. Flowers sent to the funeral itself should be addressed "To the funeral of --" and are generally taken to the gravesite afterward.
Flowers may also be sent as a condolence to bereaved individuals by their own particular connections. Miss Manners would hope that a grieving family would not be so petty as to fret over who gets more.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a vegetarian, and I am wondering what to do when responding to wedding invitations that offer a meal choice between two meat alternatives. I do not want to demand a "special meal" from my hosts. Do I not check any? Or check either one and tell the server at the wedding? Or do I just write vegetarian on the invitation?
GENTLE READER: Your desire to spare your hosts preparing a special meal is admirable, but we are not talking here about their spending hours in the kitchen. This is not a true social form, but merely a tally for a caterer, and any experienced caterer will count on serving a certain number of vegetarian meals.
Still, Miss Manners agrees that simply ordering a meal sounds crude. She suggests writing, "No meat, thank you."
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