DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have become aware of increasing instances of gender-specific words being replaced by gender-neutral terms, for instance, "waiter" and "waitress" having been replaced with the generic "server." I understand that this practice began to prevent gender-based exclusion. And I appreciate substitutes such as "letter carrier" for "mailman," "fire fighter" for "fireman," "police officer" for "policeman" and "chair" for "chairman," as each of the traditional terms implies that a woman could not take up that vocation.
But I find it troublesome to think that perfectly acceptable and commonly used gender-specific phrases have become politically incorrect. What is degrading about being a waitress or a stewardess? And why are actresses now calling themselves female actors?
It seems as though women hate to be viewed as feminine, and so they are adopting gender-neutral titles. I affirm the need for neutrality when words exclude women from a given profession, but why must we fall to the least common denominator when there are perfectly familiar and comfortable gender-specific terms?
I realize that this inquiry may seem a bit old-fashioned. For what it's worth, I am 24 years old and simply hate to think that I'm living in a world where I must keep my womanhood under wraps.
GENTLE READER: If you are puzzled, you can imagine the bewilderment of a sweet, old-fashioned feminist like Miss Manners. She has no problem with the gender-neutral terms, such as "server"; what bothers her is when male terms are used to replace female ones. Little did she think, as part of the effort to assert female dignity by disallowing grown-ups to be called "girls" that they would then endorse being addressed as "you guys."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My housemate's 5-year-old son is very fond of me, probably because, until recently, I mistakenly succumbed to most of his demands on my attention. Now I can't count on a minute alone from 9 a.m. to 10 p.m. If he catches me outside my room, he follows me wherever I go; if I guiltily ignore his constant knocks at my door, he comes in anyway.
I've begun to say no, tried to offer alternative activities for him, and explained that I wish I could play but I want to be by myself for a while. This sometimes makes him cry, which makes me feel awful and is usually plain ineffective.
If his mother's paying attention, she keeps him in check very well, but she makes long daily phone calls, the duration of which he spends in my room, demanding my full attention. Do you have any suggestions for how to (gently) teach a 5-year-old a few manners, especially regarding closed doors?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has the heartbreaking feeling that manners are not what this child most obviously lacks. She finds herself hoping that you return his affection and that although you understandably need time for yourself, you are devoted enough to help him secure some much-needed companionship.
The simplest way to do this is to inform his mother that she cannot leave him to his own lonely devices, which turn out to be you, but should arrange activities such as play dates and after-school sessions when she is too busy to be with him herself. As she seems oblivious, this may not be the most effective way, however. If you were to take the initiative in doing this, Miss Manners would consider it an excellent deed.
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