WASHINGTON -- Every once in a while, I have a strange dream about our, shall we say, unique president. Most are pretty bad. But last night I had a great dream -- almost a vision, really -- in which the president gives a speech that I now feel obliged to share with you:
My dear fellow citizens:
I am speaking to you tonight about my new ideas about immigration and, as much as I hate to do it, I have to start out with that Merkel woman in Germany.
Remember two years ago when she said, "Y'all come," in German of course, and a million immigrants took her up on it, like the waves crashing into Key West last weekend? What a loser! (I mean Angela Merkel, not Key West.)
Well, first her numbers really went down and it looked like she was more than a loser -- she was a goner. But now she's come to her senses and, though she still foolishly says she was right to take those million losers, she also said recently that 2015 "should never be repeated."
Now there's no question about it that this was one of the most extraordinary statements that has ever been made by anyone, anywhere, at any hour of any day, in the whole history of this world, or any other, for that matter. (Ever.) (Believe me.)
But then, something interesting happened that changed part of my mind about her. Loser Merkel and Emmanuel "Knuckles" Macron of France met with the presidents of Chad, Niger and some of the loser leaders of Libya, in Paris. (Nice place. My wives all loved it.)
They were looking for long-term solutions to the migration crisis that otherwise could destroy Europe. Essentially, they agreed for Europe to assist in development in Africa, for Chad and Niger to control their borders, and for Libya to help Europe stop the human traffickers who are in about the only business that makes money in that loser place.
See, nobody seems to know this about me, but really I want to do the right thing, and I want to do the smart thing. (Believe me.) So it occurred to me one morning -- about 3 a.m., it was at Mar-a-Lago, when I had nothing to do -- that we should do something like this.
You see, everybody thinks I'm a monster because I don't want to let all these DACA kids stay forever. Really, I love them, I love them all, but I'm a strict constitutionalist. (My many friends at Yale Law School know this!) And Obama overstepped his bounds in letting those 800,000 kids (I really love them) stay.
Still, these kids -- the "Dreamers," you know -- are not the problem, so come on and stay! Be my guests! I'll focus on the important problems of immigration -- the way Loser Merkel is -- and let the Dreamers show the entire big endless world that I have the best character in the entire universe, and maybe more.
The important problem is -- and yes, you've heard me say this before -- those other mainly Central American kids who have brought their brutal MS-13 and other gangs here and are raising hell all over, especially up and down the East Coast. In Washington, there are murders almost every day. In Northern Virginia. In New York. Four young men recently hacked to death by gangs in Long Island. Result of the thousands of unaccompanied minors who poured over the Mexican border three years ago (wide open, badly needs a wall) and who are now murdering across our cities.
We will get them out. We ARE getting them out. But you send them back to Honduras or El Salvador and they just start more mayhem and add more members, and soon that mayhem is right back under the portico of the White House (at least until we get that wall built, the one that Mexico will pay for).
So as much as I hate to say it, I kind of got inspired by something Loser Merkel and her losing minions did in Paris. It made me think we should stop stomping around all over the world and start caring about our neighbors (who, I might add, can make our lives hell).
FDR had the Good Neighbor Policy. JFK had the Alliance for Progress. Now, nothing! So I'm thinking it's time we start doing in Central America what Loser Merkel and Knuckles from Paris started: helping our neighbors, giving them reasons not to join gangs and work for progress.
You see, immigration has really become one of the very, very top issues in the world, both for the developed and the undeveloped. (Who knew?!) The British are even willing to give up their basic economic progress, see Brexit, in the cause of restricting free movement. Even among progressive thinkers in Europe and elsewhere, fears abound that the continent may be committing suicide, not by strangulation, but by diversity.
So here's my reasonable idea: Let's hug the Dreamers for a one-time amnesty, let's rain fire and fury over the loser gangs, and let's devise some policies to help Central and Latin America become, as my Marines say (I think it's the Marines), all you can be (or maybe it's want to be).
Adios, druz'ya (I meant amigos),
Yours truly, Donald J. Trump