Q: My wife is biased against my children from my first marriage. We have four kids -- two from my first marriage and two from this one -- but she clearly favors her own. At first she seemed to accept the older kids, but lately her attitude toward them has become unfairly critical and overbearing. What can I do?
Jim: According to our counselors, what you're describing is actually quite common in blended families. These conflicts can often arise over disciplinary issues, since there's a natural tendency for a biological parent to feel protective of his or her offspring when the new spouse seems unreasonable or harsh.
But while the problem is common, it isn't always easy to resolve. I'd encourage you and your wife to seek professional help from a trained therapist who is skilled in working with stepfamilies -- and to do so sooner rather than later. With the challenges your children are facing as a result of the breakup of your first marriage, it's important that you do all you can to guard them from additional stress and pressure on the home front.
Among the goals you'll want to set for yourselves in therapy, perhaps the most important, will be that of strengthening your marriage. In any family, whether original or blended, the marital relationship needs to take priority. Your counselor can help you to get your "couple" relationship back on track and show you how to clarify the complex roles and expectations within your blended family.
You can get this process started by calling Focus on the Family's Counseling Department at 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation. Our counselors will also be able to provide you with a list of licensed marriage and family specialists in your area.
Q: Should special consideration be given to an abuser when post-traumatic stress disorder is suspected? My husband recently returned from a two-year deployment overseas, and since then we've been subjected to verbal put-downs, emotional abuse and even threats of physical violence.
Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Regrettably, your spouse's situation isn't unusual. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an issue that medical doctors and mental healthcare professionals find themselves confronting with increasing frequency in today's war-torn world. Many returning veterans find it difficult to share their emotional pain. They've been to the brink of hell and back. They naturally assume that only those who have actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. As a result, they keep their mouths shut and stuff their feelings deep inside. Unfortunately, this emotional suffering sometimes finds expression in the form of domestic abuse.
Does PTSD-induced abuse call for a special response? Yes and no. On the one hand, if your husband is suffering from the psychological impact of his combat experiences, there is a sense in which his condition is unique. It's vital that professional help be received as soon as possible.
At the same time, it's crucial to add that your dilemma doesn't differ significantly from that of any other abused or threatened spouse. Regardless of the underlying causes, a person in your position really has no choice. You must adopt the attitude that safety is your top priority. If your husband becomes physically violent, don't hesitate to call 911. And if it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.
Bottom line: Seek help. Because PTSD is so prevalent, most branches of the military are now providing private, confidential, one-on-one counseling for those who are struggling with the fallout of combat service. Our licensed staff of counselors is also ready and eager to be of help. Please call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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