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WIFE WISHES SON'S NEWFOUND FATHER WOULD SIMPLY GET LOST

DEAR ABBY: Until now, I had a perfect life with a wonderful husband and a great 16-year-old son.

My husband of 10 years, "Keith," has raised my son, "Mike," and loves him as his own. Mike grew up knowing that Keith was not his birth father, but has always treated him as if he were. My ex-husband remarried and now has three daughters. I never hid this from my son. But now, my ex-husband's daughters have "found" Mike on the Internet. They have been talking for a couple of weeks now, and Mike actually talked to his birth father on a couple of occasions.

Mike now treats Keith very badly, and Keith doesn't know why. I knew about the conversations with his "sisters," but I did not know about the conversations with his father. Why would a man who abandoned me and his infant son 16 years ago all of a sudden want to come into his life now and disrupt our lives? We have a great family, and I get very uncomfortable when Mike slips in things that happened 16 or 17 years ago, because he heard it from his father. Also, I do not like his father talking to him one-on-one without me. What can I do? -- WORRIED ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR WORRIED: I can think of one reason why the man who abandoned you and your baby boy is now disrupting your life. The answer is, he "only" had three girls and would now like to have a son. After all, all the work of raising this young man has been done.

Your son may be 16, but he is still a minor. I recommend you discuss this entire matter with an attorney who can tell you what your rights are as your son's custodial parent. (I am assuming you never received child support for the boy. If your ex wants "in" now, perhaps he should share some of the financial responsibility that Keith has shouldered for so many years.)

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And while you're at it, I urge you to consider family counseling for you, your husband and your son. I don't know what your ex may have been telling the young man, but I guarantee it'll be better if it is put on the table by YOU, with a trained therapist who can help you to iron out the "wrinkles" before they become permanent-press. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: Every year at Christmas, my four longtime girlfriends and I "promise" not to buy each other expensive gifts. We all have large families, so it is a cost-saving measure. However, invariably at least one of us ends up ignoring the rule and buys lavish gifts anyway! The small gift-givers end up feeling embarrassed, and the expensive gift-givers end up feeling guilty for violating our pledge.

Please help us stop this self-defeating cycle! -- "B" IN UNIONVILLE, IND.

DEAR "B": I have a suggestion: Make a pact this year that your only "gifts" will be in the form of letters to each other, describing a special memory of your friendship. Embellish the letters with all the traits your friends have that you admire. I promise you, the recipients will treasure it. If anyone breaks the pact, the others should not feel guilty for having kept the promise and given a gift of "self."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old boy with a problem. My mother won't stop using my underwear. If that's not bad enough, she only uses my NEW underwear. I constantly ask her to stop, but she won't. What should I do? -- ANGRY IN HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR ANGRY: At 13, you are old enough to have things of your own. Your mother shouldn't be using your underwear without your permission. The next time it happens, try this: Say you'd like to borrow some of hers.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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