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WHAT FOOLS WE MORTALS BE, TRYING TO PULL OFF A JOKE!

04/01/2013

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun -- so enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he's putting in overtime.

The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.

Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts? -- GOOD HOUSEWIFE IN UTAH

DEAR GOOD HOUSEWIFE: There's more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you're missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend just moved in, and we're going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.

I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that's tacky, but I think it's a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please? -- TOM AND NANCY IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM AND NANCY: Gladly. Charge for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, "bouncier" bed. We don't want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend? -- MR. ROMANCE IN OREGON

DEAR MR. ROMANCE: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you're training to join the circus.

DEAR ABBY: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument? -- MISS BLISS IN INDIANA

DEAR MISS BLISS: That's a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man dating a married woman. She's the love of my life. My girlfriend is sweet, kind, has a caring heart and is very much a lady.

We often sneak away for romantic weekends, where we laugh and enjoy being together and forget our daily routines. Sometimes I'll stop and watch her while she shops or talks to people and admire how beautiful she is. The twinkle in her eyes is as close as I can get to the stars in the sky. I adore her and plan to be with her for the rest of my life.

And one more thing: My girlfriend is also my bride of 40 years! -- ONE LUCKY GUY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LUCKY GUY: Normally I'd advise you to try to turn your wife into the love of your life, but you're ahead of me!

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.