DEAR READERS: Have a very happy, healthy and safe Fourth of July, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY
Family Cycle of Abuse Is Legacy of Sexual Predator
DEAR ABBY: I recently moved to Texas and met my teenage niece for the first time. After I got there I learned she had been molested by her mother's father at the age of 3. He had also molested her mother when she was a child. "Grandpa" is currently serving a life sentence in prison.
Abby, my niece has some issues. Her parents caught her sexting twice that I know of and took her phone away for a period of time. She was also accused of touching her 8-year-old niece and was ordered to knock it off.
She told me she showers with her mother and asked to shower with me. When I refused, she became abusive. When I tried to tell my brother she needs professional help, he told me to mind my own business.
If I report this, I risk never seeing anyone in my family again, but I love my niece and I'm afraid for her. Her mother has already limited my contact with her, and I'm afraid Mom needs help as much as my niece. Please help. None of this makes sense to me. Why won't they get her help? -- DESPERATELY NEEDS HELP
DEAR DESPERATELY: They won't get help because it appears that in their lives inappropriate sexual behavior may have become an ingrained family affair. You are right that the mother needs as much help as your niece, and your brother should not be covering for his wife. You should report what's going on to child protective services. While you probably won't be thanked for it, you may be able to interrupt the cycle of incest and molestation.
DEAR ABBY: I have a great-paying job telecommuting. I know the idea of sitting around in pajamas all day seems wonderful, but I'm going stir crazy.
I live in a very small town with no fancy co-share offices or trendy coffee shops. There's one fast-food place that allows 20 minutes of internet use, but that's about it. How can I stay productive and motivated and not feel so much like a hermit crab? By Friday, I don't want to be at home anymore. -- GOING CRAZY AT HOME
DEAR GOING CRAZY: If there is another telecommuter in your town, perhaps you could compare notes with him or her. If your problem is getting an internet connection or finding Wi-Fi, consider using the public library as an additional site from which to work. That way, you wouldn't be trapped in your home feeling so isolated. If there isn't one in your community, ask your boss if you can change your schedule occasionally. This might allow you to take breaks and do something like take a powerwalk, which would put you in contact with other human beings.
For most people, work involves more than labor -- there is also a social component involved. If that kind of stimulation/interaction is what you're craving, you may have to change jobs.
There's No Room for Both Mom and Boyfriend in Woman's Life
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship for 12 years. "Jenny" was my best friend. I had to end our relationship because she had allowed her mother to destroy it.
Jenny is 35 and her mother cooks, cleans, does her laundry and makes her bed for her. I would return from work and find her mother sleeping next to her in bed every day. It seemed to me to be her way of putting a wedge in between us.
If we went to a concert, we had to buy three tickets because Jenny always had to bring her mother. When I would ask Jenny out to dinner, she would say, "Can Mom come?" Is this normal? If we had an argument, her mother would get involved and it would become two against one, and I would always be in the wrong. Nothing I did was right.
Since we broke up, Jenny doesn't speak to me. I lost my best friend, and I don't know what to do. -- THREE'S TOO MUCH COMPANY
DEAR TOO MUCH COMPANY: Jenny's primary relationship was -- and probably forever will be -- with her mother. You may have felt that Jenny was your best friend, but Jenny's best friend is her mother -- a bond that her mother works very hard to keep intact. Accept it, expand your social circle and move on. That's all you can do because Jenny is taken.
High Price of Veterinary Care Prevents Widow From Getting a Pet
DEAR ABBY: I hope you will let me unload on you. I lost my much-loved cat a year ago and would like to get another pet, but I cannot afford it.
Having been in business, there are some costs I can understand, such as vet care, grooming and kennel fees if a trip is planned. But the pharmaceutical prices are simply unaffordable, with vaccinations, flea medicine and meds when the pet is sick -- not to mention end-of-life care. I cannot put a pet down just because it is old.
I am elderly and, while not rich, I do get by. But I cannot afford pet insurance, either. I am a widow, and a pet would be a great comfort to me. Any ideas? -- MONA IN YUBA CITY, CALIF.
DEAR MONA: Have you considered fostering a cat while an animal rescue group finds a permanent home for it? Contact some in your area and ask whether they cover the cost of veterinary expenses while the cat is staying with you. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that they do.
Also, contact a no-kill shelter and inquire if it's possible to foster a pet or to volunteer there. In addition to the gratification you will get from having a furry houseguest, you will be doing the kitty a huge favor.
Man With Taste for Eating Out Should Work for His Supper
DEAR ABBY: I am 64 and my live-in fiance is 73. He has no retirement or savings. He has a winter job he loves and works occasionally in the summer. We will not marry so we can keep our finances separate, and he has contributed one-fifth toward my home.
My problem is he wants to go out to dinner all the time. I suggest that we eat at home to save money, which is also more healthy. We have upcoming roof and boiler expenses that he won't be able to contribute to. Any suggestions? -- MONEY MANAGEMENT IN COLORADO
DEAR M.M.: Just this. Point out to your fiance that because of the upcoming maintenance expenses, eating out as often as he wants is more than you can manage, and tell him that if he wants to eat out, HE will be the one paying for it. Summer is here now, and he should arrange his work schedule so he can afford it.
Without a Grave Site, Paying Tribute to Mom Gets Creative
DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away two years ago. Because she was cremated, there is no grave site to pay tribute to her. She lived in Rhode Island; I live in Florida.
My roommate's mother passed last year, and she was buried here in Florida. On Mother's Day, I wanted to pay respects to both of our moms. Because my mom has no grave site, we placed flowers on my roommate's mom's grave in memory of both mothers.
Was it wrong to do this? My roommate is fine with the idea, but others disagree. Abby, what's your take on this? Any other ideas for me to honor my mom? -- MOURNING MY MOM
DEAR MOURNING: If placing flowers on your roommate's mother's grave brought you comfort, then it was exactly the right thing to do. That someone told you there was anything wrong with the way you chose to ease your sense of loss was the height of nerve. If you wish to continue doing it, then you should.
As to other ways to honor your mom, consider making a donation in her memory to a cause that was dear to her or a school she attended. I'm sure both would be appreciated.
Cousin 'Steals' Name Handed Down Through Generations
DEAR ABBY: My husband, his father, grandfather and great-grandfather all share the same first name, which is "Andrew." We hope to carry on the tradition if we are blessed with a baby boy.
My husband's first cousin and his wife have just announced they are having a baby boy and will be using Andrew as a middle name. My husband isn't upset about it, but I am. My husband's cousin claims he simply wanted to name his son after his great-grandfather, but I feel like Andrew isn't his name to use. Am I overreacting? I don't feel right about using the name now if we are blessed to have a son. Am I being selfish? -- IRKED WIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR IRKED WIFE: Not only is your attitude selfish, it's also unrealistic. Nobody "owns" the name Andrew. If your husband's cousin and his wife want to honor their great-grandfather (or his memory) in this way, they are free to do so, and it should have no impact on what you name your next male child. (If it's a girl, consider naming her "Andrea.")
Sister With Three Kids Pushes the Limits of Family Baby-Sitting Services
DEAR ABBY: My sister has three kids whom I love. However, she and her husband seem to need a baby sitter every single day for one thing or another. In my opinion, if you decide to have three kids, you should be able to incorporate them into your lifestyle. But they use sitters to watch two of them, while they take one to soccer practice or go to the grocery store, etc.
I get annoyed because all this baby-sitting falls on my parents, or sometimes me. I had one -- and only one -- kid for a reason. I resent having to still be in baby mode. Am I wrong to feel we are being ... USED IN LOUISIANA?
DEAR USED: No.