DEAR ABBY: I am writing about how to proceed with expressing sympathy for an old friend.
My husband and I were very close friends with a couple for about eight years. We moved away, but continued to see each other occasionally. We kept in touch, and in the past few years have been able to visit more frequently. When we were in their city six months ago, we saw them a few times and they mentioned that they had no friends. I know she has no siblings or parents left.
Her husband died suddenly of a stroke five months ago. They were together for 50 years. I sent her a formal sympathy note and three more casual follow-ups. I also wrote a poem in his memory. It may seem excessive, but I remember how bereft she felt when her sister died, and she felt that sympathy was not sufficiently extended (I don't think she was pointing the finger at me).
Abby, I don't want her to think that we aren't feeling a lot of sympathy for her. Yet her silence indicates that either our overtures are unwanted or that her condition is so bad that she's emotionally overwhelmed. When does an old friend stop reaching out? -- BEWILDERED IN OHIO
DEAR BEWILDERED: Call the woman and ask her how she's doing. Explain that because you haven't heard from her, you have been concerned.
You are a caring friend, but there is only so much anyone can do via long distance. It's possible that because her husband's death was unexpected, she has had her hands full learning how to take care of the details that he managed while he was alive.
If she's not doing well, suggest she join a support group so she won't be isolated in her grief. And recognize that, as much as you wish to support her, she will have to forge her own way through her heartache.