TO MY JEWISH READERS: It's time to hide the matzo again -- Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone!
Long-Distance Relationship May Be Too Much to Overcome
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for more than two years. We have been in a long-distance relationship the entire time. I live in California, and he lives in the Midwest. I've been trying to get him out here because I have a job I love, and he could easily get a job in his sector out here.
His issue is that this area has "too many people and is too fast-paced" for him. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to quit my job and move there. Finding a job there wouldn't be easy since construction is not booming as much. What do I do? Do I just give up my job, or keep trying to convince him to move? Or should I cut my losses and start over? -- LONG-DISTANCE DATING
DEAR LONG DISTANCE: I don't think you should give up a job you love in an environment you enjoy on the chance that this two-year relationship might become permanent. If it goes nowhere, where does that leave you? It's time to ask yourself whether you really want to tie your future to someone who prefers a different way of life. Once you answer that question, you will know what to do.
Bagful of Memories Will Help Mom Share Son's Travels
DEAR ABBY: My son has his master's degree in international relations, so he travels to places I will never see. He's in Italy now, and he asked me what I would like for a souvenir. I said I wanted his memories.
I asked him to get a bag and put in it menus, train tickets and bar napkins, and to jot down at night on hotel stationery what he did, saw, how the weather was. I asked him to mention anything different or unusual and collect coasters, valet stubs, anything that would help him share his experiences with me when he gets back.
I said that when we go through all the stuff, I will get my vicarious thrill then -- better that than some "tchotchke" I'd have to dust. Good idea? -- PROUD MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR PROUD MOM: Great idea! As the years go on, those "memory joggers" will let you both relive the adventures he's having now, and they will become increasingly precious. I know it from experience.
Spouses Face Difficult Decisions When One Enters Long-Term Care
DEAR ABBY: I am sure this issue affects many people, but I have not seen it addressed in your column. Oftentimes married partners are separated by many years in age. Eventually the older of them has to enter a long-term care facility due to a mental/physical defect.
Even though the bond and love that kept them together over the years still exists, the younger still has physical and emotional needs that can no longer be met by the older spouse. What are the ethics in the younger one having a "friend with benefits" to address those needs, if it's done discreetly without causing embarrassment and humiliation to the older spouse? -- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS
DEAR FRIENDS: This is a highly personal decision that no one can make for anyone else. While many readers may disagree, I see nothing wrong with taking care of yourself as long as you remember you have a moral obligation to support your spouse "'til death do you part." To me that means visiting and spending time with your spouse every day to ensure his/her needs are taken care of in a compassionate and diligent manner, and to let the person know he or she is loved.
If Grandparents Aren't Online, Find Another Way to Connect
DEAR ABBY: My son "Travis," age 9, is computer savvy, but his "Luddite" grandparents (my in-laws) live far away from us and don't even have internet access. They are no longer able to travel, and our finances prohibit frequent visits to them.
Travis could be Skyping them, and they could have a vital relationship through the miracle of modern technology. Instead, he will take their phone calls only occasionally, and enjoys the annual visit with them -- but mainly because of the other relatives there.
If these were my parents (who are sadly long gone), I'd set them up on Skype and have them at least try. When his grandparents are no longer able to live on their own and move to assisted living, will that offer at least a hope of virtual connectivity? -- MODERN MAN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR MODERN MAN: By age 9, if your son isn't interested in talking to his grandparents, and his grandparents make no effort to reach out, do not expect it to happen when he's older and they go into assisted living.
Travis should be compelled to talk to his grandparents more often. If people want to connect, they usually somehow manage to do it through letters, phones, computers, etc. Over the last 20 years, many seniors have learned about computers and manage them quite well. If your in-laws have a smartphone, they could talk to your son on video chat.
DEAR ABBY: I have been playing the piano for five years and I still enjoy it. But over the past year and a half, going for lessons every week and having to practice is getting old for me. In fact, I'm beginning to loathe it. It's not the teacher, it's not my parents -- it's me. I'm just over all of the weekly lessons and having to REMEMBER to practice. My heart isn't in it anymore. What do you think I should do? -- RYAN IN MICHIGAN
DEAR RYAN: You should talk to your teacher about it. After five years of weekly lessons and diligent practice, you should have a pretty solid musical education by now. You may need to take a break, change teachers or even change instruments. Your teacher may have a broader perspective on this than you do, so take your guidance from the pro.
DEAR ABBY: I recently invited an acquaintance to be my guest at a play I'm directing and to the cast party afterward. I like this man, and he's done me a number of favors, so the invitation was a sort of thank-you. I haven't heard one way or the other from the invitee. I don't want to push and make the person uncomfortable, but I'd like to know whether he's coming or not. Should I follow up with him or let it go? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: By not responding to your invitation, the man is letting you know that it's not high on his list of priorities. Personally, I think you should let it go. And if he asks about the play just before it opens, tell him that you made other plans because you thought he wasn't interested. Because you like him, say it nicely. But to leave you hanging is rude.
Frustrated Husband Seeks Solution for His Jealousy
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 11 years, but together for 15. We've had our ups and downs as normal couples do, but lately it seems like everything she does, I try and find something to nitpick and argue over. In fact, I kind of enjoy it.
There was a recent misunderstanding that led to an awakening of a jealous side to me that I never had, and now I can't seem to turn it off. When she goes to her chiropractor appointment, I call to make sure she has the appointment for the time she told me. She spent time visiting her dad and aunt, and even that made me jealous. I feel like if I keep this up, I may lose her.
We had a baby five months ago, and he's very needy, much more than our older child was, so that's also putting a strain on our relationship. What can I do to be a better husband and not get angry at her for the dumbest and smallest things? -- FRUSTRATED HUSBAND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You say this new behavior started because of a "recent misunderstanding." I wish you had mentioned what it was, because it would have been helpful to know. Did the misunderstanding make you feel insecure, or just angry and punitive? Or is the fact that your wife needs to share her time caring for the new baby what's bothering you?
If you haven't already talked this through with your wife, you should. The arrival of a new baby can result in not only the arrival of a bundle of joy, but also bring with it postpartum depression, fatigue, physical aches and pains and lack of physical desire.
If these are what's setting you off, you should both discuss what's happening with her doctor. If that's not the cause, some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist may help you find the answer you're looking for.
Teen's Tendency to Be a Loner Causes Concern for Mom
DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old son has always been very shy. I don't think it helps that he's now 6 feet 6 inches tall and obviously stands out. Recently at a sports event which his team won, there were celebrations that were caught on video, and I could see him milling around outside of the "celebratory circle" of his teammates. It seemed very sad that he didn't feel comfortable enough to jump into the huddle. When he was asked to join his teammates for lunch, he said he wasn't hungry.
He has known many of the kids on his team for more than six years and has hung out and been on sleepovers with some of them on many occasions, so it's not like they are strangers. My husband thinks we should just let him find his own way in life. I desperately want to talk to him and see if I can't get him to be more sociable, but I'm not sure how to achieve this. What would you suggest, Abby? Leave him alone or intervene, and if so, how? -- MOTHER OF A SHY GUY
DEAR MOTHER: I would suggest a little of both. Because you are concerned that your son is isolating himself, talk to him about it and try to find out why. However, you should not push him into doing anything he's not comfortable with. And if he appears to be happy with his life, let him live it and, as your husband says, find his own way.