DEAR READERS: To those of you living where daylight saving time is observed, I'm offering this gentle reminder: Turn your clocks forward one hour at bedtime tonight. Daylight saving time begins at 2 a.m. tomorrow, and you know what that means -- spring is on the way!
Girl Fails to Measure Up to Her Own High Standards
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. Basically, I don't like me. I am self-conscious about my weight, my face, my personality. I'm not pretty. I have heard so many times I should "just be myself" that I am sick of it! I don't want to be myself because I don't like myself.
All of my friends are either beautiful, witty, kind or whatever. And I am not, I guess. Please tell me what to do about it. -- COMING UP SHORT IN OREGON
DEAR COMING UP SHORT: I do have a few suggestions, and the first is to stop being your own worst enemy. The more you dwell on what you think you lack, the more you will amplify those things. Find one thing you like about yourself and build from there.
Because you're self-conscious about your weight, do something about it by adopting a healthy eating and exercise plan. While you may not be a cover girl, you can be well-groomed. More important than being "witty" is to be a good listener. Remember that, and people will think you are a great conversationalist.
The more you brood about yourself, the lonelier you will become. The more you think about helping others, the less time you will have to think about yourself.
Wife's Relationship With Daughter's Friend Concerns Husband
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our mid-40s and have four beautiful daughters. A boy who dated one of them has become a family friend over the past few years.
"Brett" is a nice young man and has always been helpful with our family. The problem is, Brett texts and calls my wife on a daily basis. The conversation is benign, but I can tell he has a crush on her.
I have asked my wife to stop communicating with him so often, but she insists it's "just a friendship" and nothing is going on. My point is that there is something going on -- from his side -- even though she may not realize it.
We have gone round and round about this to the point of exhaustion. Should I let this go or continue to insist that their relationship be redefined? -- UNEASY IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNEASY: Looking from the outside in, I suspect that your wife is enjoying all the attention she's receiving from this young man. She's in her mid-40s and it has to be flattering. This is not to imply that the communications will lead to anything more. So step back, find your sense of humor and try to be less heavy-handed until this blows over. Because it will.
Victim Of Abusive Stepfather Bothered By Untruthful Obit
DEAR ABBY: My stepfather died recently. I found out when I saw his obituary in the newspaper. It described him as a "loving husband and father," and while I know that's a fairly generic epitaph, nothing about it is true. He was an alcoholic who had several affairs while married to my mother. He also abused me and my stepsiblings physically and sexually.
It's bad enough that he died without having to face the consequences of his actions, but it kills me to know that "loving husband and father" is how our community and history will remember him now that he's gone. Is there anything I can do to get some form of the truth out there? -- ANGRY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ANGRY: Yes, there is. Just keep talking and the word will get around.
SON IN JAIL STRUGGLES TO COPE WITH DAD'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS
DEAR ABBY: I am in a county jail for parole violation. I am an addict, which is why I'm in this not-so-welcoming environment. I accept full responsibility for being here because ultimately it was my actions that guaranteed me confinement in jail. I read your column every day and find hope within it.
I have been struck with some not-so-good news while here. On a recent visit with my parents I learned my mother, who suffers from a variety of health problems, can no longer work. My father, who must work to cover the cost of her medical care, has been diagnosed with liver cancer.
This is very difficult for me. My father is my absolute best friend. I have to be strong for my mother. I want to scream and cry and sometimes lash out, but my inner adult (I'm 26) tells me that would be immature.
I don't feel like I have come to terms with my father's illness. Although I know what is eventually to come, I have yet to feel any emotion, good or bad. I'm not sure if I'm blocking it or if I'm being the strong-willed adult I was raised to be by my father and best friend. I was never raised with the "men don't cry" or "be strong for your mother" concept. Am I repressing my emotions? And if so, is there anything I can do to start dealing with this? -- JUST ANOTHER INMATE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR JUST: All people do not react to bad news in the same way -- crying, screaming or lashing out. Some go numb for a period of time, until they are ready to process their emotions. Part of your problem may be that because you're incarcerated, you feel helpless.
Not knowing whether psychological counseling is available for prisoners in your jail -- or how effective it is if it's offered at all -- I'm recommending you discuss this with a chaplain. It would be a safe way to air some of the emotions you are struggling with. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a "yours, mine and ours" family. Between us, my husband and I have six children. I have been "Mom" for his three children since the oldest was 6. Fifteen years have passed, and I raised all of them as my own. Because the stress of such a large family has taken its toll at times, I have said I couldn't wait until everyone was 18 and out of the house.
Three of the children are on their own now and three remain. The youngest is 14. I recently took my 18-year-old son to the Air Force recruiter to take his entrance test and as I watched him walk into the building, I started to cry. I realized I don't really want them to go away.
I have been a parent since I was 17, and now -- at 40 -- I'm having a hard time imagining life without them. I'm afraid of having only my husband to keep me occupied. There has never been a time without kids around. I'm afraid it'll be like starting our relationship all over again, and he may not like what he sees. How can I get past the fear of not being needed or wanted anymore? -- ALMOST EMPTY-NESTED IN VERMONT
DEAR ALMOST EMPTY-NESTED: Instead of allowing fear or anxiety to drag you down, look at the bright side. Your nest will be full for four more years -- and if there is something about yourself that you see that you don't like, there is plenty of time to do something about it.
You are more than "just" a mother. Because your responsibilities as a parent have lightened, use the time to broaden your horizons and develop some mutual interests with your husband that you couldn't before. Sometimes we can be our own harshest critics -- so be a little kinder to yourself and consider what I have said. It is heartfelt.
Thought of Going to the Dentist Wipes Smile Off Woman's Face
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you because I can share this anonymously. I am close to 60 years old and I'm terrified of the dentist. Every time I pick up the phone to make an appointment I get so anxious I feel like I'm going to die.
Do you think I will be able to find a caring, compassionate and nonjudgmental dentist? Are they out there? Sometimes I wish I could die instead of going to the dentist. Am I crazy? -- MRS. ANXIETY IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR MRS. ANXIETY: Let me put it this way -- if you're crazy, you have a lot of company. Many people fear going to the dentist. However, there have been improvements in the field since you were a child -- including sedation for people who choose "not to be there" while their dental problems are being attended to.
Good dental health is very important to our overall health, so please don't put off any further making an appointment. Tell the person who is booking the appointment what your needs are, and if that dentist can't accommodate you, ask for a referral to one who can.
DEAR ABBY: I have been a nanny for four families over the last 10 years. I am now working for a family of five. I don't make a lot of money, but I enjoy what I do.
My problem is all the gift-buying I feel required to do -- such as on the children's birthdays, Christmas and the mom's birth of more babies. My employer is expecting yet another baby this summer and her 3-year-old has another birthday coming up.
I'm tired of the gift-buying and really can't afford to do it anymore. When the new baby is born, I am tempted to just say "Congratulations!" Any suggestions? -- GIFTED OUT
DEAR GIFTED OUT: Yes. When the newest addition to the family arrives, give your employer a nice card. You should not be expected to come up with a gift. You are already giving these children loving and responsible care and that is gift enough.
Husband With A History Of Cheating Is Still Suspect
DEAR ABBY: During the first year of our marriage, my husband cheated on me with women from his past as well as new encounters. When I confronted him, he promised to stop. He would then call and email these women, and tell them I was checking up on him and he'd contact them later.
This has gone on for years. He swears he's no longer cheating, and we have sought counseling -- which I stopped because the counselor and I agreed that my husband didn't think he had a problem.
When I confront him with my suspicions, he insists that I am "driving him away" by accusing him. He is very arrogant, and people who don't know him believe he's a great guy and I am the problem. I have considered revenge cheating, but it goes against my morals. I think about divorcing him, but then I think -- what if I am wrong? What if he really is being faithful? What should I do? I love him. -- UNSURE IN TEXAS
DEAR UNSURE: I agree that "revenge" cheating is not the solution to your problem. Hire a private detective and get to the bottom of this. If you're wrong, you need counseling to resolve your insecurities. However, if he's cheating, you will know you haven't been imagining things and can decide rationally if it's in your best interests to continue being married to a womanizer.