DEAR ABBY: I am blessed with two beautiful daughters. One is 13; the other is 4 months old. For 11 years my 13-year-old, "Lily," was my life. I had dated, but they were all Mr. Wrongs.
Two years ago I finally met a wonderful man, "Kevin." He is good to me, and he and Lily get along to a point, but he's shy and doesn't talk much. Kevin moved in with us a few months after I found out I was pregnant.
I try to include Lily in our new family, but she feels left out. She stays in her room and doesn't have much to do with Kevin. She wouldn't go with me to the baby's doctor appointments and pretty much ignores her new baby sister. I have told myself she'll come around, but it hasn't happened.
What can I do to assure Lily that I love her as much as I always have? I want our family to be happy. I hope to eventually marry Kevin. Lily's dad isn't very involved in her life. Every time I try to include Lily, she gets mad and says she doesn't want to do the family functions. Help, please. -- WEST VIRGINIA MOM
DEAR MOM: Thirteen can be a difficult age and your work is cut out for you. You will have to be more proactive in order to make this arrangement function more like a family. Kevin may be shy, but he should be encouraged to make more of an effort to get to know Lily. As the adult, it is his job to break the ice and find something in common with her.
Also, Lily should not be allowed to hide out in her room and not participate in any activities. If you permit the status quo to continue, at some point she will start looking for a place where she feels she "belongs" in a situation beyond your control or supervision. If you are out of ideas on how to get your daughter to cooperate, then involve a family therapist to help you through the roadblocks.