DEAR ABBY: What is your definition of a committed relationship? -- TRYING FOR ONE IN TEXAS
DEAR TRYING: A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree that it will remain mutually exclusive.
DEAR ABBY: What is your definition of a committed relationship? -- TRYING FOR ONE IN TEXAS
DEAR TRYING: A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree that it will remain mutually exclusive.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have been with my boyfriend, "Griffin," for five years. He recently gave me a beautiful promise ring. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but I think I have a problem.
I am going to become an adoption professional, and I plan on adopting one day. Griffin knows I'm pursuing this career and that I want to adopt, but I don't think he understands how serious I am about it. We don't plan on being married until after college, when we'll both be 25.
How do I let him know I'm serious about this? I don't want to wait five more years and find he's not on the same page and that I wasted my time. When I try to discuss it, Griffin says we're "too young to think about it." What do I say to that? -- MAPPING OUT MY FUTURE IN L.A.
DEAR MAPPING: It appears you are more mature than your boyfriend. Because you are determined to eventually adopt a child, I agree that it's important for you to know whether Griffin has any negative feelings about adoption because some people are unable to accept a child who is not their own. The next time he says you're too young to think about such things, explain that.
There is a vast difference between a "promise ring" and a little gold band. Because Griffin presented you with a promise ring is no guarantee that in five years the two of you will make it to the altar together. You may need to be with someone who, like you, is more geared to mapping out a future and wants to settle down.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Annie," is a single mother, holds a full-time job and trains for triathlons. Her son, "Cooper," is 3. Annie has him enrolled in day care from 7 a.m. until 4 p.m. every day while she's at work. Afterward, she picks up Cooper from day care and checks him into the gym's child care service while she works out.
I have offered to pick my grandson up from day care once a week and keep him until Annie finishes her workout. My other daughter has offered to pick him up twice a week so he can play with his cousin at her house.
Annie has become defensive. She says we're offering because we think she's neglecting him. Actually, I do think so. It breaks my heart that my grandson spends 12 hours a day in day care. Do you agree with me? What should I do? -- WORRIED GRANNY IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR WORRIED GRANNY: Annie may be defensive because she feels some guilt, or because you need to become a better actress and transmit less disapproval.
Apologize to her if that will smooth things over. Explain that you would like Cooper to spend time with you because you love him and want him to develop warm childhood memories of his grandmother. Tell Annie that her sister wants him to spend time with his cousin so they will have a closer bond when they're older. Then cross your fingers and hope she'll accept the offers.
DEAR ABBY: Twice in recent years my husband has bought a gift for himself for Christmas, wrapped it, put it under the tree and then opened it on Christmas morning, gleefully exclaiming that it was a great gift and just what he wanted.
The first time he did it, he wrote my name on the gift card as the giver. The second time he didn't bother. When I asked him why, he said it was something he saw in the store and wanted. When I asked why he didn't just ask me to get it, he didn't have an answer.
He has also bought cards for himself for Valentine's Day. On both of them he wrote, "To Larry from 'Hon,'" his pet name for me.
I was flabbergasted and upset and asked him why he would do such a thing. He said he ran across the "perfect card" for him while looking for one for me.
I don't know what to make of his behavior, but it is demeaning and I feel angry for days afterward. He has a habit of comparing my gifts with those from his son or those he bought for himself, and it makes me feel as if mine don't measure up. My husband is 77. What's wrong with him? -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA
DEAR PERPLEXED: It appears you married someone who likes to buy on impulse and is insensitive to how his words and actions affect others. Look on the bright side: He's solved the problem of what to get the man who has everything for you!
However, because this is a recent change in his behavior, consider reporting it to his doctor.
DEAR ABBY: I have received several invitations to parties recently in which I was asked to do part of the work or participate in some of the expenses.
The one that really took the cake was to a party hosted by my boss. She had decided to celebrate her birthday at her house, and when I and my co-workers RSVP'd, we were asked what type of dish we planned to bring. We also discovered that only invited employees were asked to bring food. Her "real friends" weren't asked to bring anything. Needless to say, all but one employee remembered they had a "conflict."
If someone doesn't have the time or money to host a party, there are plenty of inexpensive foods, disposable tableware, etc., that can be used in a pleasant, cost-effective event without burdening -- financially or otherwise -- invited guests. What matters is getting together to celebrate and socialize and have a good time with friends and family. Abby, your thoughts? -- UNHAPPY "GUEST" IN MISSOURI
DEAR "GUEST": I'm glad you asked. I agree with your sentiments. Your boss should be ashamed of herself for trying to use you and the other employees in the guise of having you as guests at her birthday party. How tacky!
DEAR ABBY: I'm attending a wedding in a few months. The bride has requested that all female guests not wear heels because they're a short couple. I don't have any flats that will go with my dress, so I will have to either buy new shoes or "disappoint" the bride.
I've been hearing stories about wedding guests being told what colors to wear. I think brides (and couples) like this are going too far. What do you think? -- PUT OUT IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR PUT OUT: I think that if the bridal couple would like to feel a few inches taller on their big day, and buying a new pair of shoes would stretch your budget, you should consider having an old pair of flats dyed to match your dress, or skip the festivities and send your good wishes.
DEAR ABBY: I have been separated for three years and am now going through a divorce. I have started a new relationship, and, for the first time, I know what being in love feels like.
"Mason" is a remarkable man with many great qualities. However, when we go to my friends' parties, they often make comments and belittle him because he didn't graduate from college. Mason is a security guard. It doesn't bother me, but I feel bad when people ask him why he didn't become a police officer "instead."
My friends are all professionals who married other professionals. They don't realize that they can sometimes be snobs. I don't know how to approach this subject without getting into an awkward confrontation. Mason's feelings were hurt before by a prior girlfriend whose family and friends thought he was a loser because he's a security guard.
I love him and want this to work. Why do I let other people's comments affect me? And how can I approach them about this matter? -- UNHAPPY IN NEW YORK
DEAR UNHAPPY: You may be affected because your friends are unable to see the wonderful qualities in Mason that you do. Please understand that they may feel they are trying to look out for your best interests after what has to be a traumatic disappointment -- the long, depressing slog through your divorce. If your friends persist in making comments to Mason about his job, you should ask them to please stop because they are making both of you uncomfortable.
However, I would be remiss if I didn't caution you: After someone has experienced a divorce, it is not unusual to experience a rush of adrenaline -- a kind of "high" -- during the next relationship. While it seems idyllic, the problem is that it usually doesn't last, which is why rebound relationships often don't work out. This is not to imply that there is anything wrong with Mason, only that you would be wise to take your time before rushing into another marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I want to be at home on Christmas! Am I so bad? Every year, my mother-in-law pushes us to be at her house on Christmas. My husband and I have even discussed this issue with a marriage counselor. Together, we agreed to always be in our home on Christmas Day. I am happy to have my in-laws over, but not bothered if they choose not to come.
My husband talked to his mother, and everything was worked out last year. However, when I told him she was starting up again, he got mad at me! It makes me sad that he is more worried about pacifying his mother than making memories with me.
I want to fix dinner and do special things in my home because I didn't have that when I was a child. Am I so terrible to want that? She had her time. Now I want my time. -- WANTS MY TURN IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR WANTS YOUR TURN: Your husband got mad at you because he has been on the receiving end of heavy pressure from his mother. She's alive and kicking, so in her mind her "time" is not yet over.
While I sympathize with your desire to establish traditions of your own, you will encounter less resistance and resentment if you do it gradually. A way to do that would be to alternate Christmas holidays between your home and your in-laws' -- a suggestion I hope you will take to heart.