DEAR READERS: Today is Veterans Day, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank not only our veterans, but also those men and women who are still on active duty for their service to our country. -- ABBY
Divorce Announcement Arrives With Wedding Thank You Note
DEAR ABBY: A friend's daughter was married several years ago. I attended the shower and her wedding, and gave gifts for both.
Two months after the wedding, I received a thank-you note in which a form letter was enclosed that read, "By the way, we are now separated and getting a divorce"! I was shocked not only by the news, but even more that my gifts were not returned with the divorce announcement.
This young lady is now being married again to a different man. If I attend the shower/wedding, am I obligated to give her another set of gifts? Or should I skip the shower and go to the wedding without giving another gift? What is proper in this case? -- CONFUSED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONFUSED: The rule of etiquette regarding disposition of wedding gifts when a couple divorces after a short time is that any unused items (preferably in their original packaging) go back to the givers. However, to return cookware, linens, china, glassware, etc., that have been used is impractical, so please don't hold a grudge.
If you decide to attend the shower and/or wedding for your friend's daughter, it is customary to give a gift.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began a new job, and although I love what I do, I have only one problem. My boss, "Harold," does not like eating lunch by himself. Every day, he asks me what I'm doing for lunch. If I say I brought my lunch, he wants me to eat it in his office with him. If I tell him I'm going out, he wants us to go out together.
I don't think he's attracted to me; I just think he hates being alone. He's entirely too clingy, and I feel my lunch break is supposed to be a time to do whatever I want to do.
I don't believe the last lady who worked for him had a problem with this, but I do. How do I tell him "no" without offending him or hurting his feelings? -- LUNCH BUDDY IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR LUNCH BUDDY: Tell your boss politely but firmly that you need your lunch hour to perform personal tasks -- go shopping, make personal phone calls or catch up on some reading. You are entitled to that break time, and that is what it should be used for.
DEAR ABBY: A family member has six cats and wants to have the Thanksgiving meal at her house. Every time I eat there, I find cat hair on the table, on the plates and in the food. I don't want to cause hard feelings, but how do I handle this? I'm allergic to cats. -- HOLD THE FUR IN AMARILLO, TEXAS
DEAR HOLD THE FUR: Your health must come first. Arrange to celebrate Thanksgiving elsewhere and curtail your visit. If the relative attempts to "guilt" you into changing plans, explain that you cannot because you have become allergic to cat hair and dander and your doctor has instructed you to avoid exposure.
Daughter and Boyfriend Are Slow to Embrace Their Future
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Renee," is 25 and is an intelligent and independent woman with a good job. She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, "Bryan," for 6 1/2 years. They have been living together for the past two years.
Bryan is nice and has a decent job, and I like him. However, there is virtually no conversation between them about what their future together holds. Renee would like to get engaged, but she refuses to bring anything up to Bryan for fear that he will feel "pushed." She wants it to happen with no prodding. I maintain that it's perfectly acceptable to ask where he sees their relationship going.
At this point, I'd like to take Bryan aside and say that I love my daughter and would like to know what his intentions are. Is that totally inappropriate in this day and age? I worry she may be throwing away her best years on a dead-end relationship.
I know Renee would not be happy if I approached Bryan with this. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let her handle it? -- MAMA ON A MISSION
DEAR MAMA: You are well-meaning, but this is one mission your daughter must complete for herself. Please tell her that after a relationship of six years -- and living together for two of them -- having a rational discussion with Bryan would not be "pushy." In fact, it's the intelligent thing to do. He may have commitment issues. Or he may need the "nudge." And frankly, if the romance is leading nowhere, Renee needs to know that an engagement to him is not in her future before she invests any more time.
DEAR ABBY: My niece is engaged to a really nice guy who is obviously gay and in denial because of his religion. My brother and his wife ignore it because, according to them, being gay is a "sin." This couple has been out of high school for two years. They are also both virgins, which is unusual.
I had a gathering at my home, and some gay friends attended. They noticed that he was gay and mentioned it to me. Should I just stand by and keep my mouth shut? -- UNSURE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR UNSURE: Yes, you should. Unless you are 100 percent sure the man is, in fact, gay, you should keep your feelings to yourself. Your niece's fiance may be an effeminate straight man. And your gay friends' "gaydar" may have given them a false reading at your gathering.
DEAR ABBY: I have developed a horrible crush on my kids' tennis instructor. I am very happily married and would never, ever cheat on my husband, but this man makes my heart race. My kids and I spend a fair amount of time with him, and I'm afraid it's starting to show.
By the way, I'm pretty sure my feelings are reciprocated. What to do? -- CRUSHING MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CRUSHING MOM: It's not a question of what you should do, but rather what you should not do. Do not act on your feelings, do not spend time alone with him and do not tell anyone about it. Enjoy feeling like you are 16, and take your kids home after their lesson. In time, the feeling will fade -- particularly if they develop an interest in another sport.
Daughter Demands Widowed Dad Spend His Life Alone
DEAR ABBY: My brother lost his wife, the love of his life, three years ago. He has three children. His oldest, a 25-year-old daughter, "Jenny," told him that "when you marry, it is for life." She has threatened that if he dates someone or sees anyone, she will be out of his life and he won't be able to see his future grandchildren. (Jenny is getting married next summer.)
My brother is very upset. He wants to settle this argument before she is married. He hasn't dated anyone, but feels she shouldn't be trying to control his life. Please help, Abby. I'll show Jenny your answer and hope it helps them. -- SISTER KATY IN MAINE
DEAR SISTER KATY: I'm very sorry Jenny lost her mother, but her attitude is off base. At 25, it's time for her to grow up and stop making selfish, childish threats she will regret.
While I agree that marriage should be "for life," her parents' marriage did last for life -- the life of her mother. That she would begrudge her father continuing to live his life is cruel and wrong. If she cuts him out of her life, she will deprive her future children of a relationship with a loving grandparent, and that would be a shame.
DEAR ABBY: I have a manners dilemma. I was raised in a home where "Yes, ma'am" and, "No, sir" were expected, and I have used that respectful form of address throughout my life. Yes, I grew up in the South.
Six months ago, my husband and I moved north with our two children for job relocation. My co-workers are giving me a hard time about my constant use of "ma'am" and "sir." They feel offended!
I have tried to respect their request not to say it to them. Some are my age, younger or older, but I'm used to saying it to everyone, all the time. It simply rolls off my tongue.
I sense that upper management and my supervisor like being addressed that way. But what do you suggest I do with the rest of my co-workers? -- OL'-FASHIONED IN OHIO
DEAR OL'-FASHIONED: I suggest you explain to your co-workers, as you have to me, that using this respectful form of address is a custom you were raised with. And because old habits are hard to break, that they please cut you some slack because you are trying to offend no one.
P.S. They appear to be clueless.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. A few nights ago a guy friend of mine asked me to "sext." I was furious, but played along with him and said "yes." Than I sent him a picture of an elderly woman in a bikini.
After that, I went off on him. I told him how wrong it was for him to ask me for that. No girl deserves to be treated that way. I haven't spoken to him since.
He texted a close friend of mine, telling her what happened and saying how much he regretted it and loved me. He said he cares for me, but that now there's no chance because I hate him.
He has sent me texts apologizing for what he did, but I have ignored them. Should I accept his apology? Or save my heart from being broken again? -- DISAPPOINTED TEEN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED TEEN: Your guy friend made a mistake and has apologized. If you still have feelings for him, accept the apology and give him another chance. However, if he continues to ask you to do something that you feel is wrong, that will be the time to end the relationship.