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Friend Resists Choosing Sides in Couple's Breakup
DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old goddaughter, "Tammy," is one of the most important people in my life. So are her parents, "Sophie" and "Zack." I was friendly with them separately before they got together. As a couple, they selected me to be godmother. They have since split up.
Zack is understanding about my staying neutral and continuing to be friendly with him and his ex. But Sophie gets mad and won't talk to me for weeks if she hears I went to see Tammy on a weekend she's with her daddy.
Even though I am closer to Sophie, Zack is a great father and a good friend. I don't think it's fair that Sophie expects me to take her side. I feel their issues are theirs alone, and my main focus is that my goddaughter have my support regardless of which parent she happens to be with.
Am I doing something wrong? If not, how do I handle Sophie? -- HONORED IN OMAHA
DEAR HONORED: You are doing nothing wrong. However, viewed from Sophie's perspective, it may appear that you have "chosen" her ex over her. A way to handle this would be to tell Sophie that you are not visiting Tammy when she's with Zack because you prefer his company over Sophie's. It's that you want your goddaughter to have continuity, and if Sophie is upset with Zack, she shouldn't displace her anger onto you because it's not fair to you or her daughter. And further, if this continues, Sophie will drive a caring friend (you) away.
DEAR ABBY: In this age of electronic devices, how appropriate is it to take photos at the table in a restaurant? I suppose it depends on the establishment -- probably not a problem in a casual buffet environment.
My boyfriend and I like to go to fancy restaurants (on our own and with friends), and we enjoy taking pictures of each other, our friends and the food. How do we handle this? Do other patrons care how many times we "flash" our cameras? -- SNAP-HAPPY IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.
DEAR SNAP-HAPPY: When making reservations at an expensive restaurant, ask whether it would be disruptive to take pictures. While some diners might not object, I can think of several reasons why some would find it intrusive. Because some "foodies" enjoy snapping photos of their table and the various dishes as they're presented, it may be possible to be seated in a location where the flash will not be a nuisance. However, the restaurant staff should be warned in advance.
DEAR ABBY: I volunteer at a hospital and help with mail sorting for the patients. I know it is important for patients to receive their mail -- even if they are no longer being treated at the hospital.
Abby, please advise your readers that when they send Get Well cards, to always use the person's own name -- like, "Betty Jones" instead of "Mrs. John Jones." Also, when sending a card or note to someone in the hospital, to always put the patient's home address as the return address on the envelope -- not their own. If your readers do this, the person is sure to receive it, even after he or she has been discharged from the hospital. -- JUDY IN LORAIN, OHIO
DEAR JUDY: Thank you for two perfectly logical suggestions -- which I'm sure the majority of people don't always consider when they're sending their good wishes. Readers, take heed.
Man Must Sort Out Attractions Before He Is Ready to Marry
DEAR ABBY: After many months of dating a wonderful woman, "Amy," we have set a date for our wedding. However, there's a problem. As the date draws closer, Amy is concerned about my lack of physical intimacy with her.
While I am very attracted to her, I am having some doubts. I recently noticed a young man at my health club and experienced some unfamiliar feelings. I don't think I am gay, but I am no longer sure that Amy is what I have been looking for.
Should I push these feelings aside and continue our plans for the wedding? Or should I tell Amy the truth about these feelings? -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SEARCHING: You should absolutely tell your fiancee the truth about the feelings you're having -- all of them. To marry a woman knowing you might be more attracted to a young man at your health club would bring everyone involved great pain. It is very important that you find out who you are and what you're looking for before coupling up with anyone. While Amy may not be thrilled to hear what you have to say, you owe it to her and to yourself to be frank before this goes any further.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I dated for eight years before we were married two years ago. He has a son from a previous relationship, and we have a 9-month-old son together.
My problem is my mother-in-law. More often than not, she calls me by my stepson's mother's name. Abby, that woman and my husband haven't been together for more than 12 years!
My husband thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He says I should forget about it, but it bothers me. My relationship with his mother has suffered because of it. She lives near us and helps out with watching our baby, so I see her quite often. What are your thoughts on this? -- ALSO KNOWN AS ...
DEAR A.K.A.: If your mother-in-law's slip of the tongue happened occasionally, I would agree with your husband that it's no big deal. Because it happens often, it appears the woman is doing it deliberately. Have you confronted her about it and told her how hurtful it is? If you haven't, you should. And if it doesn't stop, then you're within your rights to limit your time with her and/or arrange for other supervision for your baby. It would be confusing for him to grow up around a grandmother who calls his mother by a stranger's name.
DEAR ABBY: When I am out with my friends, they can't keep their hands and eyes off their cell phones. They sit there and text whatever guy they're involved with, and I feel like they would rather be with anyone else but me.
I have talked to them about it, but they say I "don't understand" because I have never been in a relationship. Abby, I'm not jealous because they have guys to talk to. I am hurt that my friends think cyber communication is more important than spending time with friends. What do you think? -- TEXTED OUT IN TEXAS
DEAR TEXTED OUT: I'm glad you asked. It is rude for people to behave the way you have described. Good manners dictate that people give their undivided attention to those they are with. To do otherwise sends the signal that their present company is less important.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Resentful in Michigan" (Aug. 2), I think you missed the mark. Etiquette and social mores may dictate that it's acceptable for a man to give his future daughter-in-law away, but "Resentful" was speaking from a place of pain that is valid.
Her father didn't walk her down the aisle because her mother's job was more important to them, which made her feel she was second to the job in her parents' hearts. Now her emotions are telling her that her brother's fiancee is more important as well.
If she doesn't speak her mind, her resentment could be redirected to her brother and his new family and cause irreparable damage. She should address this with her brother to help them understand that sitting and watching her dad walk another woman down the aisle under these circumstances would be devastating. The brother's fiancee could ask another relative to escort her -- or walk down alone since this is her third trip to the altar.
At least the father, while not understanding "Resentful's" pain, is taking her feelings into consideration. Now, if her brother and his fiancee will try to understand her feelings, they'll be validated and an amicable solution can be found. -- HEATHER IN RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR HEATHER: You are not the only reader who disagreed with my response to that letter. I reasoned that the writer did not have the right to decide what role her father would or would not play in her brother's wedding. I also suspected that the reason her parents did not attend her wedding -- much less participate -- may have been they did not approve of the groom or the circumstances under which she was being married.
However, because many people felt my answer was insensitive to the writer's feelings, I'll share some reactions from readers:
DEAR ABBY: The father was "too busy" to walk her down the aisle but now he'd do it for his son's future wife? Her father didn't even offer an apology or try to understand. He said only that he wouldn't walk his son's fiancee down the aisle if "Resentful" was hurt by it. If he had apologized and admitted he was wrong not to have done it for his daughter, she could have forgiven him. I don't blame her for being resentful! -- ALONDRA IN LONDON, ONTARIO
DEAR ABBY: Speaking from personal experience, there are few things worse than being rejected by your parents. You should have rebuked them in the strongest possible way. To deny their daughter on her most important day, then grant the same privilege to an outsider (on her third wedding, no less) is the height of insensitivity. Her parents are horrible. Her feelings are normal, natural, justified and deserved validation. Shame on you for siding with the parents! -- PATRICK IN MESQUITE, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: That woman has every right to feel as she does. Her brother was selfish for not considering his sister's deep disappointment on the biggest day of her life. As a minister, I encourage family members to work through their hurts with each other. But forcing someone to pretend all is well when it isn't doesn't help the healing process. It could drive the family even further apart. -- PAUL T. IN NEW YORK
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion. Since the brother's fiancee is on her third marriage, why not ask one of her ex-husbands to give her away. I'm sure he'd be happy to. -- JOANNE IN WATERTOWN, WIS.