Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Couple's Abortion Decision Is Nobody's Business but Theirs
DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Cheryl," and I are in our early 30s and recently made an extremely difficult decision. We decided to terminate her pregnancy at six weeks. Cheryl's sister "Nicki" -- my future sister-in-law -- is opposed to abortion and now no longer wants to talk to me or have anything to do with me.
I have tried reaching out to Nicki to explain the reasons for our decision, but it has fallen on deaf ears. Should I continue asking her for forgiveness, or have I done enough already? This is causing Cheryl a great deal of pain, and I don't believe that it's fair for Nicki to punish me for a personal family decision. Please let me know your thoughts. -- CHERYL'S FIANCE IN PHOENIX
DEAR FIANCE: So how did Nicki get inserted in the middle of something that was none of her business in the first place? Surely, she didn't have a vote. Nicki is entitled to her feelings, but she has no right to punish you for a decision that was arrived at by both you and her sister. And the person to make that crystal clear to Nicki is Cheryl, not you, so stop apologizing.
The decision to terminate a pregnancy is an extremely sensitive one and never one that is taken lightly. Every decision has consequences, and I am sure that you and your fiancee accepted that when you made yours.
DEAR ABBY: Many senior citizens, including me, never get a phone call, visit or e-mail from our children or grandchildren. They say they're too busy with school, sports, etc. I say baloney!
Is this present generation so narcissistic that all they can think of is themselves? Your answer will go to many, many seniors who would like some communication once in a while. -- WAITING BY THE PHONE, FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
DEAR WAITING: There are far more constructive and rewarding things to do with your time than wait fuming by your phone because you feel you're not receiving enough attention. One of them would be to reach out and contact your children and grandchildren yourself. Others include getting out of your house, volunteering at a hospital (a pediatric ward, perhaps?), library, animal rescue or your political party -- ANYTHING but sit around feeling angry and isolated.
There is more pressure on families today than at any time I can remember. Many teens are so overscheduled and pressured to succeed they don't get enough sleep. So please try to judge them less harshly.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a computer programmer. When he calls me from work I can hear him typing on his keyboard. I find this as rude as people texting while they're in the company of others. My husband thinks it is just fine and becomes angry if I mention it. What do you think? -- ANNOYED IN IMPERIAL BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ANNOYED: I think that when your husband is working, he should devote his full attention to the job he's being paid to do. And as accomplished as your husband may think he is at multitasking, it is unfair to his boss to chat you up on company time. He should be making his personal calls during his breaks -- away from his computer.
Sister Fears Inheritance May Doom Drug Addicted Brother
DEAR ABBY: My brother is a lifelong drug addict who has spent the last two decades in and out of jail. He rarely works and has no permanent residence, finding shelter instead with various friends, girlfriends and sometimes sleeping in his broken-down vehicle. When he calls me, it's always with some creative story and a request to send him money. The money I have sent over the years has gone to pay for his new drug fix, not to resolve whatever problem his sob story was about.
Recently, our grandmother died and she left each of us some money. As her executor, I am responsible for making sure my brother gets his share. While I want him to benefit from this modest inheritance, I'm afraid he will use it to buy drugs -- possibly enough drugs to harm himself, if unintentionally. Obviously, this is not what our grandmother would have wanted. How can I make sure this money goes to help, and not further enable, my drug-addicted sibling? -- CONFLICTED SIS IN MARYLAND
DEAR CONFLICTED: Consult an attorney, preferably one who has experience with wills and trusts, and see if some arrangement can be made that ensures your brother has a roof over his head and won't starve. It may be possible that something can be worked out so his necessities would be paid for him, without his actually getting his hands on the money.
DEAR ABBY: I have been left confused and bitter over the loss of my best friend, "Sally." I expected to go to her children's weddings and be there for the birth of her grandchildren.
Sally had an affair, which I knew about. When her husband, "John," found out, he called me asking why I didn't tell him. After that horrible phone call, during which I lied to protect Sally, I never heard from them again.
Had I known this would happen I would have told John the truth. Instead of leaving her husband, Sally gave up her friendship with me. What did I do wrong? Should I be punished for listening to her? What would you advise your readers to do when someone starts telling them about an affair they're having? -- THROWN UNDER THE BUS, BELLEVUE, WASH.
DEAR UNDER THE BUS: What you did "wrong" was allow yourself to be dragged into that mess as a co-conspirator. Silence implies agreement. Once John realized you knew all about her affair and lied, you became as guilty in his eyes as Sally and her lover. My advice to readers about what to do when someone starts telling them about an affair? Stay out of the line of fire by telling the person you don't want to hear it.
DEAR ABBY: Like many parents, my husband and I would like our three children to read more. And they, like many children, would prefer to watch more television. We arrived at a compromise, and I would like to share it with your readers.
Many television shows are also available with closed captioning. For those who don't know what closed captioning is -- it is a service available on most TVs that shows what is being broadcast via audio. We mute the television and have the children read the words instead of listening. It works great! Their reading skills have soared, and I have noticed they are now reading more books than they used to. In addition, I really enjoy the quiet time while we're watching the TV.
Please pass this strategy on. Some of our friends are also doing it and feel it has helped their children, too. -- PROUD PARENTS
DEAR PROUD PARENTS: I'm pleased to spread the word. Closed captioning, which was originally intended for use by people with hearing disabilities, can also be very helpful for individuals who are learning English as a second language.
Wife Holds Her Tongue While Man Gives a Lashing With His
DEAR ABBY: Would you please print the signs of a mental abuser? My husband is like night and day. There's no in-between. He curses at me, calls me names, tells me I'm stupid and, when he raises his hand palm outward, it's my sign to shut up.
I have to leave notes about where I am, what time I'll be home, and if I'm a minute late, I'm in for it big time. When I try to stand up for myself he tells me I'm a b---- or "too sensitive." He also tells me what to wear.
Why on earth would I still love this guy? Please print the signs because I know a lot of other women in this situation. -- BEATEN DOWN IN FLORIDA
DEAR BEATEN DOWN: By printing your letter I HAVE printed the signs of a mental/emotional abuser. Your husband's behavior is classic, and I don't know why you would still love him. Women stay with men like your husband because they don't think they deserve better, or because they are financially dependent. "Love" has nothing to do with it.
Because verbal and emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, I'm printing the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It's (800) 799-7233.
DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a thief in your midst? I have a 21-year-old relative who steals. He has stolen from me, and I suspect from other members of the family as well. Please don't suggest therapy -- he's had years of therapy. Recently, he was caught stealing from a purse belonging to his mother's best friend.
The problem is family gatherings. I'm not comfortable telling my guests that they must watch their valuables, but I cannot deal with the possibility of having a guest's possessions or money stolen. Also, I don't particularly relish the idea of having him loose in my house.
He hasn't shown any particular interest in attending these functions and often hasn't attended when invited, but it's hard to know whether excluding him might make him feel left out. My inclination is to tell him the reason I don't want to invite him. Should I? -- HIS RELATIVE
DEAR RELATIVE: If he asks why he wasn't invited, by all means tell him. If years of counseling haven't curbed his compulsion to steal, it's possible that one day he will learn in a jail cell what he didn't learn on the couch.
Meanwhile, I see no compelling reason to continue inviting him to family gatherings. Not only will you be doing your guests a favor, you'll be exposing your relative to less temptation.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has two children from a previous relationship. I love them very much and treat them like my own. We often go out with the children to playgrounds, shopping, etc.
Abby, people often refer to me as the children's mother. They'll say, "Ask your mom ..." things like that. What's the proper response to this? I find it embarrassing because I'm not their mother. But I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I'm not. What would be the most polite response to someone in that situation? -- NOT MOMMY IN MAINE
DEAR NOT MOMMY: The most polite response would be to ignore their mistake.