CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!
Ski Trip Tradition Begins to Wear on Weary Hostess
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law passed away in 2002 and had a friend I'll call "Roy," who was his skiing buddy. This "friend" now comes to Canada every winter for a 10-day vacation. He expects us to drive him to his destination two hours away, over icy roads and at times blizzard-like conditions, leave him there for a week, return the following weekend at night, stay the weekend and then host him for two to three days.
Abby, this is a busy time of year for me. It is not our vacation time. My husband thinks it's no big deal, but I feel differently. I have tried to get my husband to stop this "chauffeur" duty back and forth each year, to no avail. This year, Roy will be spending an extra two nights at our home. I am too busy to entertain, cook meals, etc. Please advise! -- TRAPPED IN CALGARY
DEAR TRAPPED: Look at it this way. To your husband, Roy is a living link to his deceased father. That may be the reason he does not regard Roy's annual visits as an imposition.
Because you do, and you need to concentrate on your business, encourage your husband to take Roy to the slopes, spend the weekend with him and bring him home. Playing hostess for a night or two shouldn't be too much to ask -- and the bulk of the load will be off your shoulders.
DEAR ABBY: My parents are in their 70s. Both are generous and loving. Over the years Mom has refused to accept any act of generosity or gift, large or small, from any of her children. This includes birthdays, their anniversary and all major holidays. In the past, she would return our gifts to the mall.
In recent years we have resorted to giving her and Dad gift cards or food because they can't be returned. Each time we do we get a lecture from her in a reprimanding tone, telling us we "spent too much." (We're a practical clan; we do not spend a lot of money or buy anything lavish.) Following the reprimand, Mother then passes out large checks to each of us and our children.
Aside from the holidays, Mom will not accept a dinner invitation at my home. When one of us hosts a family party, she insists on writing a check to cover the cost of the food. When we're out for an occasional lunch or dinner, she grabs the check and becomes upset if one of us tries to pay for it.
We're all mature adults with good incomes. This quirk of hers has become frustrating and embarrassing. Does Mom have low self-esteem and can't accept an act of generosity, or is she a control freak? If we eliminated the gift-giving, she would still continue doling out the checks. What can we do? -- OVER IT IN RACINE, WIS.
DEAR OVER IT: Your mother is obviously well-fixed. She sees her role as matriarch of your family, and part of that role is being a provider. On some level, she may feel that anything you spend on her would be better spent on yourselves and your children.
The IRS allows a certain amount of money to be given as a gift every year, tax-free. The checks your mother is handing out may be her way of trying to transfer wealth within the family.
My advice is to graciously accept her generosity. At this point you're not going to change your mother. You can, however, change the way you are reacting to her and love her, quirk and all.
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FAMILY FEUDS OVER PASSING OF PLATE FROM BARGAIN BUFFET
DEAR ABBY: We recently got together with extended family to celebrate a child's birthday at a family-oriented restaurant. One of the adults began bragging about how she had saved money because she paid for only one salad plate from the "all you can eat" salad bar.
When she finished eating her salad, she passed her plate to another family member, who then had his fill and passed the plate along until all their immediate family members had eaten.
We told her it was dishonest, that she's stealing food from the restaurant because she didn't pay for all the salads that were actually consumed by her family. She claimed that it wasn't dishonest because it's "all" you can eat. This has caused a huge disagreement within the family. What say you? -- STEAMED AT THE SALAD BAR IN COLORADO
DEAR STEAMED: Of course it's dishonest; it's stealing. The sign read, "All you can eat," not "All you and your family can eat -- for the price of one."
I don't know what this person's financial status is, but from where I sit, she appears to be morally bankrupt, and she's passing along her lack of ethics to the next generation. Keep your distance. Folks like this are apt to help themselves to anything that isn't nailed down.
DEAR ABBY: I have a rare autoimmune disease that will end my life within a couple of years. After not dating for 15 years, I met a wonderful man. Even though I tried not to, we fell in love. I think I should break it off with him because he has lost two wives to cancer and I don't want him hurt again.
Right now my health is still halfway decent, and we can go out and have a great time together. But all that's going to happen is we will grow closer and closer, and he's the one who will lose in the long run.
He doesn't deserve to lose someone else he loves. It's not fair. Is it wrong to keep dating him, or should I break it off while we still have good memories? -- SLOWLY DYING IN TEXAS
DEAR SLOWLY DYING: Is this gentleman aware of your illness and the prognosis? If the answer is yes, then he is fully aware of what will eventually happen -- and you should allow him to have a say in whether the relationship continues or not. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, next week or next year. My advice is to enjoy every precious minute you have together to the fullest, stop feeling guilty about it and live in the present.
DEAR ABBY: I am 6 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 240. My wife is 5 feet, 8 inches and weighs 140. We sleep in a queen-sized bed and have always had a playful debate about "my" side of the bed.
She contends that she should have half the bed, but I say I deserve more space because I'm bigger -- therefore, the bed should be divided 60/40. Marriage isn't always 50-50, right? -- GOING BY THE NUMBERS, LAKE CHARLES, LA.
DEAR GOING BY THE NUMBERS: No, sometimes marriage is 90/10. While you may be "entitled" to only 50 percent of the bed, the fact is that the size differential between you and your wife is so great that you need some extra real estate. So ask her to be gracious and grant you an easement. Either that or invest in a larger bed.
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NEWLY PUBLISHED AUTHOR SHIES AWAY FROM GLARE OF LIMELIGHT
DEAR ABBY: I have recently enjoyed the success of having my first book published. However, this achievement has begun to change my life in ways I hadn't expected.
I am a somewhat shy and reflective person by nature, preferring to live quietly rather than being in the spotlight. Having the freedom to spend time with my family and to enjoy the little things in life is more important to me than success. However, since my book's debut, I have felt myself pulled into a different sort of world.
I am meeting more "important" people than I can remember, and I am struggling to keep up. My inbox is inundated with questions, appointments and invitations. I am expected at speaking events and signings that don't feel entirely authentic. I know I would be an idiot not to embrace these opportunities, but I am becoming more and more uncomfortable and stressed. Maybe this just isn't me.
How can I be who I am without feeling like a disappointment to those who believe in me? -- NOT WHAT I EXPECTED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NOT: For your own sake, it is important that you stop being so self-critical. There is more to being a successful author than just writing. You are among the lucky few who has been published, and you now have a responsibility to yourself and to your publisher to promote your work and do public relations.
This is a window of opportunity that won't last indefinitely, and it's important that you recognize that fact. In case no one has mentioned it, every business involves relationships. Meeting people of all kinds will prove valuable to you in the future -- long after the hoopla of this book has died down.
Stop saying this isn't you because it IS you. And if your schedule is too stressful, cut it back a little.
DEAR ABBY: I am wondering about the practicality of contacting my ex-wife about our unmarried, middle-aged daughter, "Della." Our daughter is an attractive (when she wants to be), well-educated woman who has her own business and has never given either of us cause for concern. However, some of the decisions Della has made in the last year or so have not reflected what I consider to be basic common sense.
Two of the decisions involved considerable amounts of money. Others involve day-to-day dealings with people in general. I have occasionally spoken up and raised questions about the decisions she has made, but Della seems to neither understand nor appreciate my point of view.
There is nothing illegal or unethical about what my daughter is doing, but her naivete at times makes her an easy mark for people who don't have her best interests at heart.
Should I express my concern to Della's mother? She doesn't see our daughter as often as I do. My ex and I have not talked for a long, long time. -- IGNORE IT, OR NOT? SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR "IG": If you would like to talk to your ex-wife, by all means call her. But if she has less contact with your daughter than you do, she isn't going to be able to influence her, either.
Della is an adult, and sometimes experience is the most effective teacher. People often learn more from their mistakes than they do their successes. Perhaps after your daughter makes a few more poor choices she will be more receptive to listening to the voice of experience.
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