To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Descent Into Alzheimer's Consumes Her Daughter's Life
DEAR ABBY: My beautiful, loving mother is now in the middle stages of Alzheimer's disease. This cruel disease has robbed her of her memories as well as the ability to reason and function.
She held my hand through every trial and triumph in my life, and I want to support her the way she has always supported me. But caring for Mama is becoming more and more difficult as she drifts further and further away. Not only am I caring for my mother, I also have a career and three children.
I have so little time to myself. From the financial considerations to the behavioral challenges to safety concerns, I can't keep my head above water. Please tell me what to do. -- OVERWHELMED IN CINCINNATI
DEAR OVERWHELMED: I'll try. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to see a loved one face the changes that Alzheimer's disease brings. Although you feel alone and overwhelmed right now, the truth is you are not.
Today, an estimated 10 million Americans are caring for someone with Alzheimer's or another dementia. More than 40 percent of them rate their emotional stress level as high or very high, and it is a danger to their health.
Some signs to be aware of: feeling you have to "do it all yourself" and that you should be doing more; withdrawing from family, friends and activities that you used to enjoy; worrying that the person you care for is safe; feeling anxious about money and health-care decisions; denying the impact of the disease and its effect on your family; feeling grief or sadness that your relationship with the person isn't what it used to be; becoming frustrated and angry when the person continually repeats things and doesn't seem to listen; and having health problems that are taking a toll on you.
If any of these apply to you, it is important that you take care of your own physical and mental health. Make time to talk to your doctor and contact the Alzheimer's Association because it offers a full range of services. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900 or visit www.alz.org and take the Caregiver Stress Check interactive quiz. You will find with it a list of helpful referrals there.
DEAR ABBY: I am 43, and my boyfriend, "Sid," is 52. We have been together a year and a half. I was married once, and Sid has been married three times. He wants to live together, and I want to be engaged with a wedding date before I move in.
We truly love each other and communicate very well. Because of a previous rebound marriage that lasted only a year, Sid is cautious about making another mistake. After we had been together for a year, I gave him a year to make up his mind about marriage. In the months that followed, I could tell from some of the remarks he made that he had no burning desire to be married any time soon.
After five months of listening to those statements, I gave Sid an ultimatum. He asked me for a week to think about it, then he told me he still wasn't ready -- he needed a few more months. So I broke up with him. Was I right in giving Sid an ultimatum? -- OUT OF PATIENCE IN MIAMI
DEAR OUT OF PATIENCE: Let me be sure I have the math right. If you promised Sid another year to make up his mind and then gave him an ultimatum after five months and one week, then you jumped the gun. If you gave him the second year and he continued to stall, then you did the right thing. After three wrong turns down the aisle, Sid is no longer the marrying kind.
DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 9-month-old daughter, "Lyric," is the result of an affair. Her father, "James," has never seen her, except in photographs. His family has no idea she exists. When I send pictures, he promises to visit "soon" -- but I'm not supposed to ask when because he "just doesn't know right now."
I feel it's my fault Lyric is growing up without a father. My parents dote on her, and they are furious that James promised to make sure we were taken care of but hasn't followed through "for financial reasons."
I have never taken him to court for child support (James does send a little) because I'm afraid if I do, he'll never come to see Lyric. I worry about her future because my dad was estranged from us when we were little, and his absence influenced some of the worst choices I have made in my life.
Why would James promise to visit but never make the effort? Why continue the charade? I'm afraid my daughter will blame me for not having a dad when she's older.
I have considered taking her to see James unexpectedly (he and his wife are currently separated) so I can tell her I did everything in my power to get him involved. My parents say I should be happy I don't have to share her, and not to take her because he has broken so many promises to me.
I have been upset about this ever since Lyric was born, and my depression seems to be getting worse. The guilt and regret are eating me alive. Please help. -- DESPONDENT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR DESPONDENT: James may not have been telling you the complete truth. He continues the charade because it keeps you frozen in a holding pattern. Do not be surprised to learn that he is not separated from his wife, which could be the reason he hasn't visited.
The first thing you should do is consult your doctor and discuss the depression you have experienced since your daughter's birth. It could be caused less by the guilty conscience than a postpartum hormone imbalance. If it's the latter, it's treatable. Once that's done, consult a lawyer to ensure that Lyric will be provided for financially.
Truthful people do what they say. Because James doesn't, stop listening to what he says and focus on what he does -- which is almost nothing. He may say he wants to see his daughter, but face the fact that Lyric may reach adulthood before he gets around to it. And please don't hold your breath waiting for James to stand up and act like a man, because frankly, he doesn't appear to be much of one.
DEAR ABBY: My wife accuses me of "acting pretentious" when we are dinner guests at a friend's house and I warm my plate in the microwave. What am I supposed to do when the food has gone cold or lukewarm, and I want my meal to be hot? -- SOME LIKE IT HOT, SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR SOME LIKE IT HOT: Your wife may be afraid that by taking your plate into the kitchen because the food is too cold for your tastes, you are insulting your hostess. But I am with you, because I like my food hot, too.
The way I would handle it would be to quietly ask the hostess if she minded me taking the food into the kitchen and "zapping it" for a minute or two. A good hostess wants her guests to be comfortable and will probably offer to do it for you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, female, smart, responsible and friendly. I also have a terrible fear of driving. I have read driving manuals, but I'm scared to be in control of a big vehicle with so many other vehicles on the road.
I always found an excuse not to sign up for driver's ed in high school, and have refused countless offers from friends and family to teach me. My response was always, "No, I'm not ready."
All my younger relatives have driver's licenses, and I do feel I am missing out on things. How do I overcome this fear? Do I just say yes to my friends or family when they offer again? Please tell me what to do. -- NON-DRIVER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR NON-DRIVER: Having the fear of driving that you do, you should not get behind the wheel of a car until you have first consulted a professional counselor who specializes in helping people with phobias. My concern is that you might overreact out of fear and cause an accident.
Once you have mastered your fear, then who should teach you is up to you. However, I am recommending you learn from a professional driving instructor. It will be safer for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to have a relationship with my granddaughter, "Zoe," who is 10. My son refuses to have anything to do with her. He was 16 when he got his girlfriend pregnant. He is now 26 and married, with a 9-month-old child. His wife won't have any part of his little girl.
Should I step in and be a grandmother, even if my son and daughter-in-law may never talk to me again? Zoe doesn't even know her father. Why can't I give her the love she deserves? She's the innocent one. Am I wrong? -- YEARNING TO KNOW HER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR YEARNING TO KNOW HER: No, you are right. You can give Zoe the love and attention she deserves if you refuse to allow your son and daughter-in-law to blackmail you. I'm sure the girl would appreciate knowing that someone from her father's side of the family thinks she's worth getting to know.
It's shameful that your son blames her for an incident that he'd rather forget, and frankly, it reflects poorly on him. However, while you can't control his behavior, you can control the way you react to it. Do what you think is right.
DEAR ABBY: Please say something to the clueless herd who have never been taught not to ask personal questions.
I have been asked everything -- my age, weight, height, income, religion and what I paid for everything I own. I was once even asked if I had ever had serious marital problems.
Are people not taught common manners anymore? Everyone who asked me was well over 21 and should have known better. Please tell people how ignorant they sound, and how dumbfounded polite people can be when this situation comes up.
Oh! And while you're at it, please tell them to keep the details of their sex lives to themselves. -- HORRIFIED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HORRIFIED: To get to the heart of your letter -- your question about whether people are taught common manners anymore -- the answer, sadly, is no, very often they are not.
For anyone who is not aware, the questions listed in paragraph two of "Horrified's" letter are all off-limits as being overly personal. And unless someone is confiding in a trusted friend, to describe the details of one's sex life can be extremely embarrassing to the listener.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)