For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Can't Contain Her Rage at Breakup With Her Boyfriend
DEAR ABBY: To be honest with you, if I had a gun, I could shoot either myself or my ex-boyfriend. I was in love with him from the first day we met. We talked about everything in life and also about our relationship. Now he says he's "not ready" for a relationship!
I don't understand men. Don't they know that we have hearts? How could he just wake up one morning and make a decision without considering my feelings or how it will affect me?
Abby, I have a child, and my breasts are not that attractive. I even told him I would go under the knife to make them just the way he wants them. Now I'm left wondering if I should still go for the surgery so maybe he'll be attracted to me again and come back. I can't bear the idea that maybe he has found someone else who is more attractive.
I need your help because sometimes I feel so much hate for him that I feel like getting revenge and doing something to him so no woman will ever be attracted to him anymore, and he'll feel what I'm feeling now. I will wait upon your answer so I'll know what to do next. -- RAGING IN DUBAI
DEAR RAGING: The first thing you must do is calm yourself. Do nothing until your anger subsides and you are again thinking clearly -- which you aren't right now.
I know you are hurting, and your disappointment and anger are palpable, but you have something far more important to consider than "getting revenge," and that is the welfare of your child. How would your actions affect your child?
A man who would criticize your breasts was not truly interested in you -- the person attached to them. Having plastic surgery in the hope that a man who rejected you will return is the wrong reason for having it done. You could have breasts like the Venus de Milo, and it wouldn't win the heart of a man who simply craves variety.
I am not familiar with the mental health services that are available in Dubai. If you lived in the United States, I would urge you to talk to a psychologist because I feel strongly that you have underlying issues that predate the experience you have described in your letter. If that is not possible, then please talk to some older women you can trust so they can share their wisdom with you. You are in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law lives alone, but comes to our house every day to eat lunch and dinner. She has a son who lives in the same town as my wife and me, but she never goes to his house.
My wife doesn't like this arrangement either, but she doesn't know how to tactfully tell her mother to stay away once in a while. We're both in our late 40s; her mother is 82. We would like to spend some time alone.
When I say my mother-in-law is here every day, I mean EVERY DAY! Please tell me if this is normal, and how we can tell her we need some alone time. -- PAUL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PAUL: No, it is not "normal." You have described a woman who appears to be isolated and friendless. Could she also have money problems or a physical disability that prevents her from shopping and preparing her own meals?
If you and your wife would like some time alone, then you both are going to have to find the backbone to say so. And, if necessary, you or your wife should prepare a dish that her mother can eat in her own home.
Opening Presents Brings Chaos at Children's Birthday Party
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Bailey," will be 4 soon, and will be having a birthday party. We have been to a few of Bailey's friends' birthday parties, and present-opening turns into chaos. The birthday child doesn't have a chance to really look at the gifts, other children crowd closer and closer to the present-opener to get a better look, and some children cry about the gifts the birthday child has received while their parents promise to buy them a "better one" on their next outing.
I make sure my daughter is well-behaved when it comes to present-opening, but not all parents seem to feel the need to curb this behavior on the part of their children. Would it be acceptable to wait to open Bailey's presents until after the guests have left? -- WANTS TO BE A COURTEOUS HOSTESS
DEAR WANTS TO BE COURTEOUS: Children learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not because their parents take the time to explain to them what is expected, and correct them when they make a mistake. The parents you have described were either too ignorant or too lazy to do their job.
Although some "birthday mommies" provide gift bags or party favors for all the children to unwrap, most people consider the present-opening ritual to be part of the fun of the birthday celebration and expect it.
A better solution would be to hold smaller birthday parties for your daughter so things don't get out of hand. According to the chapter "Table and Party Manners" in "Emily Post's Etiquette": "One guest should be invited for each year of a child's age, plus one."
DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law, "Daisy," is a reckless driver who lives in a large metropolitan area surrounded by expressways. She tailgates, weaves in and out of traffic and passes cars at high speeds, often using her cell phone while driving.
Daisy has had several tickets. Despite this and pleas from my son and others to slow down, nothing has changed. I find this odd, because Daisy is otherwise a responsible person -- an executive with a large company, an excellent mother and a loving wife. However, she appears to have a blind spot about the risks she takes when she's behind the wheel. She justifies her speed as necessary in order to keep up with the demands of her schedule.
She would be grief-stricken if she had an accident that involved anyone, especially her infant daughter who is often in the car. Will the only wake-up call come in the form of a serious accident? -- DISTRESSED PAPA IN MAINE
DEAR DISTRESSED PAPA: Probably -- that or a near miss. However, I view your daughter-in-law in a different light than you appear to. A mother who drives aggressively with a child in the car and talking on her cell phone does not strike me as Mother of the Year. Studies have shown that drivers on cell phones are as impaired as those who have been drinking. She's being childish, selfish, foolish and irresponsible and should be ashamed of herself.
DEAR READERS: Today we remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. His words ring as true today as when he first uttered them: "Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate." He was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Confronts Dilemma of Care for Ailing Father
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been going round and round about nursing homes. My father's illness and memory loss have brought us face-to-face with the issue. This dilemma is not for those families who can afford to pay for someone to care for a patient in his or her own home. Nor does it apply to those who can afford an assisted-living facility.
When is it the "best-case scenario" for someone's continued care to be provided by a nursing home? Or should the parent be allowed to remain at home despite the consequences? Is it more compassionate to prolong his or her life in an environment that he or she would never have chosen or agreed to, or is it irresponsible to honor his or her wishes to live alone, with limited assistance, even though it may lead to an early death?
My father's care is far too complex and time-consuming for me or any other family member to take on in our own homes.
Your advice would be welcomed in making this complicated and emotional decision. -- DISTRESSED DAUGHTER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DAUGHTER: The decision you're facing is a wrenching one, and you have my sympathy. The question you must answer is, is your parent aware enough of his surroundings that he even knows where he is?
Has he reached the point that he could wander and be unable to find his way home? Is he getting enough to eat? Can he bathe himself, or does he need assistance with hygiene and dressing? Is there family close enough to check on him in case he falls? If there was a fire, would he know what to do?
These are scenarios in which your father should not be living alone. If he has become so demented that he is a danger to himself, then sad as it may be, you must listen to your conscience and understand that past promises no longer apply.
DEAR ABBY: After giving my wife of 10 years a divorce at her request, she continues to contact me. She'll call about little things like what color to paint the house, things that are going on at work, or who she went dancing with. Why is she doing this? -- ALREADY MOVED ON
DEAR ALREADY MOVED ON: Because on some level, although she requested the divorce, she's unable to completely let go. Or, she fantasizes that you're actually interested in the things she's talking about. If her calls are an imposition, why don't you tell her so and put an end to the conversation?
DEAR ABBY: I'm a male, in my second year of high school. I'm interested in joining a club at school called the Gay Straight Alliance. The purpose of this club is to end prejudice against gays, lesbians and bisexual people. The club tries to show the community that gays are people, too, and that they don't deserve to be ridiculed and disrespected.
My parents oppose my wanting to join. They told me that because they do not support gay rights, I shouldn't either. My father even threatened to write the school board to keep me from joining the club. The school board must abide by his wishes if he writes them to do so. While I understand my parents' lack of support and do not expect it, would my father's actions be appropriate? -- STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW
DEAR STRAIGHT BUT NOT NARROW: Not in my book. But he has done something right. He has raised a son with the intellect and backbone not only to think for himself, but also to speak out. It would be wonderful if you could educate your father, but don't count on being able to do so.
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