To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Leaking Faucets Are Torture for Wife Married to Big Drip
DEAR ABBY: Every faucet in our house has a slow drip -- the kitchen sink, the bathtub, the upstairs bathroom. My husband "Earl's" response to the kitchen drip is that he wants to replace the entire sink and countertop, so "we'll do it all then." For the one in our bathtub, he says, "We're going to tear all that out anyway and put in a new tub." Earl avidly watches home improvement shows and drags me to home improvement stores to look at the replacements, but never buys anything or follows through with any projects.
I am willing to approve anything that gets the drips stopped, whether it's a faucet replacement or a whole new kitchen. Earl is fully capable of doing the job himself and has all the new tools.
I might add that he takes the same approach to the old truck he's going to fix up, the painting that needs to be done, the porch to be replaced and other projects. He is full of talk, but to myself I refer to him as "the Big Drip." How do I get him to fix the problem? -- DRIPPY'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Give your husband a deadline to get the leaks fixed. If he doesn't meet it, then schedule an appointment with a plumber who will. The same goes for the other chores that need to be done. Home improvement is your husband's fantasy, not his hobby, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and confused. My friends are always coming to me for advice on their relationships and anything else they need help with. I always give them advice they need. I come right out and say what I need to. But one thing I can't do is give myself advice on what I need.
Could it be that I'm better at helping others than myself? I have always been the one who would do anything for anyone and help whoever needs it. I'm only 16, but I don't feel 16. I feel more like an adult.
I'm mainly helping my mom with her mother (my grandmother) because my grandmother is recovering from a stroke. I love my life, but sometimes I forget that I am only 16. -- CONFOUNDED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONFOUNDED: It's easy to forget that you are still a young person with so much responsibility placed on your shoulders. Perhaps you need some respite from taking care of your grandmother so you can just be a teenager once in a while.
Please do not think you are the only advice-giver who can't advise herself. When someone is emotionally involved in a situation, it is almost impossible to be objective. And yet, objectivity -- and compassion -- are the most important qualities necessary when dispensing advice, and you appear to be capable of both.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's boyfriend just asked my ex-husband for our daughter's hand in marriage. My mother died several years ago and left me a lovely diamond cocktail ring. I would like to offer the stone to my future son-in-law. Perhaps he would like to have it reset for an engagement ring.
He may not even be intending to give her a diamond ring. He may have something else in mind -- and that's OK. I just need to know if it's proper for me to offer him the ring. -- DIANA IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR DIANA: There is nothing improper about it. Of course it's all right -- and generous, too. If you are asking for my blessing to offer it, you have it.
Victims of Predatory Lending Can Find Help They Need
DEAR ABBY: In light of the recent headlines about sub-prime lending, may I offer some advice to the tens of thousands of seniors who fall victim to predatory lending every year? Bet Tzedek -- The House of Justice, the organization I lead in Los Angeles, offers free legal services to help people who have lost their homes to fraud and predatory lending.
Seniors can do several things to avoid being taken advantage of.
First: Any senior facing financial problems should confide in family and friends. Each year, homeowners consult us because they're in imminent danger of losing their homes and they were too ashamed to ask family members or friends for help or advice until it was too late. Shame too often drives seniors to strangers who promise quick fixes.
Second: Seniors who are behind on their mortgage should contact their lender. If possible, the lender will try to work something out with the borrower to avoid foreclosure. For help working with the lender, the senior should call a HUD-certified counseling agency, which can give the senior advice on all available financial options.
Third: Stay away from people who come to the door offering to "rescue" the house from foreclosure!
And finally, people thinking about obtaining a home loan should be sure they understand the language in their loan documents before signing them and should be particularly careful before agreeing to an adjustable-rate loan.
I hope that seniors everywhere will take these simple, proactive steps to protect their financial well-being. -- MITCHELL A. KAMIN, CEO, BET TZEDEK LEGAL SERVICES
DEAR MITCHELL: So do I. Thank you for your helpful letter, and for reaching out to help seniors nationwide.
However, seniors are not the only people who have been victims of fraud and predatory lending practices. I'm sad to say, minorities have also been targeted. Because this problem has been so widespread, I am listing additional resources for people of all ages who may have been affected:
(1) Your local Department of Consumer Affairs. Most local municipalities have one, often with a public complaint phone number.
(2). The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD).
(3) Local law enforcement. Many police departments and prosecutors have units to deal with financial crimes and abuse.
(4) The National Consumer Law Center (� HYPERLINK "http://www.consumerlaw.org" ��www.consumerlaw.org�), which offers referrals and resources for consumers.
(5) ACORN. Its Web site -- � HYPERLINK "http://www.acorn.org" ��www.acorn.org� -- has information about local offices and resources available nationally. You may also call (866) 67-ACORN.
(6) Your local Better Business Bureau and/or Chamber of Commerce.
DEAR ABBY: Is it proper etiquette to send condolences for a death by e-mail? -- JOHN T., WINSLOW, ILL.
DEAR JOHN: The experts are divided on this. It's better than nothing, I suppose. Of course, the test would be to ask yourself how you would feel if condolences on the death of your loved one were extended this way.
Consider receiving something like this: "Dear John: Sor-E 2 hear about UR Dad. :( Please accept R sympathy." If that's what you'd want, go ahead and hit "send." Personally, I think sending something a bit less casual would be more appropriate.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Widower Wants Wife's Urn to Stand as Symbol of Love
DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife of 34 years passed away eight months ago. I miss her very much. Her dying wish was that she be cremated, which I respected. She asked that her ashes be scattered at sea, which I will do this summer.
Her ashes are in a beautiful urn in the shape of a vase. After her ashes are spread in the ocean, would it be proper to use her urn as a vase? I would like to display it as a reminder of our love for each other and keep a dozen red roses in it at all times.
I have never seen a discussion of urns before in your column. Just what are you supposed to do with an urn that, in my circumstances, I will be done with after this summer? -- BUS DRIVER IN AUBURN, CALIF.
DEAR BUS DRIVER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. I took your question to a wonderful woman named Lisa Carlson, the executive director of the Funeral Ethics Organization. Lisa assured me that it would be "absolutely proper" to use your wife's urn as a vase. Then she added that if you eventually get a girlfriend, you may want to be discreet about the "vase," and if you have children, you might consider passing it on to them as a family heirloom after your own death.
DEAR ABBY: What is the "proper" way to pass on baby clothes and baby items? I was blessed with a child later in life (I am 40). I will not be having more children.
I gave a lot of clothes to a friend and kept some for sentimental reasons, but my question is this: Items like the swing, vibrating chair and exer-saucer were gifts. Do I have to give them away since they were shower gifts to me? Or is it OK to sell them at a yard sale?
I have a friend who is expecting me to just give her all my stuff. I am torn. Am I being stingy? Or just frugal? Why am I so weird about passing on my baby stuff? Help! -- DANICA IN DALY CITY, CALIF.
DEAR DANICA: When someone receives a gift, whether it be at a holiday or a shower, that item becomes the property of the recipient to do with as she (or he) pleases. I don't think you are being "weird" about your baby things. Your friend is being presumptuous to expect anything, and should be grateful for any items you give her without feeling entitled to more.
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman with friends of all ages, and I receive lots of phone calls. I like people and enjoy hearing from them. However, several of the "regulars" who call me talk nonstop. As long as I listen, they're fine. But if I try to launch into a subject that interests me, they tell me they're really busy and terminate the call.
How should I interpret this? I have tried laughing it off, but it feels like a put-down. -- FEELING USED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR FEELING USED: It seems you're spending a lot of time on the phone. The people you have described appear to be quite centered on themselves. They appear to be in love with the sound of their own voices, rather than calling to converse -- which implies an exchange of information.
I don't think they are trying to put you down. It's just that in their "universe," listening to someone else is too great an inconvenience. People like this are more interested in an audience than a friendship, so budget your time accordingly.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)