For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girls Avoid College Pressure by Having 'Prom Baby' Instead
DEAR ABBY: Please help me to warn your readers about an alarming trend happening in the teenage community: prom babies. I first heard about it while driving my teenage daughter to a lacrosse meet with several of her girlfriends. One girl in the car, "Carrie," said she hoped this year she could have a prom baby. The girls were discussing two former classmates from last year's lacrosse team who had been unable to begin college because they had both become mothers at 17.
Both had deliberately planned to get pregnant on prom night -- hence the term, "prom baby." Abby, both of the girls were studious and hard-working with bright futures ahead of them. One had been accepted to several Ivy League schools. Needless to say, their parents were devastated, and many adjustments had to be made for the new babies.
My daughter later told me that several of her other friends were considering trying to get pregnant near prom time so they, too, wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of going to college. Apparently, parents are less strict about their children's whereabouts on prom night and let their teens spend the night in a hotel or at mixed-gender sleepovers.
I thought this sad trend might be local to our area, but during a class reunion in California I learned the trend may be nationwide. One of my oldest friends, "Dana," confided during the reunion that she had become a grandmother at 43 due to her daughter having a prom baby.
As prom night approaches, please warn parents to talk with their children about the responsibilities of premarital sex and the dangers of a prom baby. -- WORRIED DAD IN ALPHARETTA, GA.
DEAR WORRIED DAD: Your letter was news to me. That a girl headed for an Ivy League college -- or any college, for that matter -- could be so immature that she'd get pregnant so she wouldn't have to go, makes me wonder if she was college material in the first place.
In addition to advising parents to talk to their kids about premarital sex, they should also be reminded how important it is that their daughters be able to communicate honestly and openly with them.
The individuals who should be warned are the young men who will be escorting those young women on prom night. One foolish mistake could lead to a 20-year commitment to support a child before they are emotionally or financially ready for that responsibility. And all because their prom date was afraid to tell her parents she wasn't ready for college? I'm appalled.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I have tried "time-outs" and even soft spanking and have taken his privileges away. Nothing seems to work. However, I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any danger in this form of punishment? -- YOUNG MOM IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR YOUNG MOM: I certainly do. Smashing a child's toy with a hammer carries the same message that an abusive husband delivers when he smashes his fist through a wall. It implies, "You're next!" If you continue punishing your child in this way, he could begin modeling his behavior after yours and destroy other people's property -- including yours -- when he's angry.
Take the toy away if that's the only way to get through to your son. Tell him that it will be given to a child who has no toys to play with. But do not destroy the toy in front of your child.
DEAR ABBY: When did it become permissible for people to rub a pregnant woman's belly? I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and everywhere I go (and I'm not exaggerating) someone walks up to me and starts touching my stomach. A day doesn't go by that it doesn't happen.
I am at the point where I cringe when someone gets too close. Abby, these are people I know -- some good friends, some acquaintances -- like hairdressers or teachers at my daughter's school. One woman touches me every time I see her. When my daughter made a comment to me about it, the friend responded, "Oh, it's OK if I rub mamma's belly. It's just me. She doesn't care if I rub her."
I thought, "Oh, really? I don't recall giving you permission!" I'm a person who needs my personal space, and the fact that it is constantly invaded is about to push me over the edge. When did it become OK to touch someone like that? Am I unreasonable to regard this as invasive? Should I stand there and just allow it? -- PREGNANT AND PARANOID IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR P and P: You are not the first expectant mother to ask these questions. For some reason, people -- sometimes even strangers -- feel compelled to reach out and touch a pregnant woman's stomach. Because you feel it's an invasion of your space, it is up to you to speak up and let them know it bothers you. They are not mind-readers, and because you have not objected, they think their touch is welcome.
It might be helpful to visit a T-shirt shop and have a few custom T-shirts made for yourself. On the front of one, the lettering might read, "Don't Touch the Merchandise!" On another, "Hands Off!" Or, "Look, But Don't Touch!" Add them to your maternity wardrobe, and the offenders should get the message.
DEAR ABBY: I am an eighth-grade girl who, in my opinion and the BMI calculator's, is a healthy weight for my height. My problem is, when I'm at school, girls I know -- and even some I don't know -- will come up to me and say, "Omigosh! You are sooo skinny! How do you do it?" Or, "Has anyone ever told you that you are too skinny?" Or even, "Are you anorexic?"
Abby, these girls are not overweight. Actually, a lot of the time they are skinnier than I am! I am comfortable with my weight, but I just don't know how to answer these questions. I wouldn't really call them compliments. Any ideas? -- FRUSTRATED IN BOSTON
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are at an age when many girls become obsessed with their weight. To the girls who ask how you manage yours, say, "I'm just lucky, I guess. I have a great metabolism." To the ones who ask if "anyone" has ever told you that you are skinny, reply, "Yes. You just did -- and it's rather rude to make comments about other people's weight." And to those who ask if you're anorexic, tell them the answer is no. But whatever you do, don't lose your cool.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend purchased a promise ring for me about six months ago. Which is the proper finger to wear it on? -- CAN'T DECIDE IN LAS CRUCES, N.M.
DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: According to Michael Botsko, director of Tiffany & Co. jewelers in Century City (L.A.), your promise ring should be worn like an engagement ring -- on the third finger of your left hand.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl Being Pressured for Sex Leans on Sister for Support
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Heidi," and I are very close. We share a room and confide in each other about everything, with the understanding that nothing will be revealed to our parents or anyone else -- no matter what.
Heidi recently told me that her boyfriend, "Chad," is putting heavy pressure on her to have sex. She's only 16, which is way too young. She says he has promised to use protection so she won't get pregnant.
Abby, my sister really doesn't want to have sex with Chad, but she doesn't want to lose him either. She doesn't think she's very attractive. She has a hard time meeting boys, and Chad is her first real boyfriend.
I don't want to break her confidence, and I know that our parents would go crazy and forbid her from seeing him anymore if they knew. How can I convince Heidi that it's not worth it, and if it means losing this guy, she's better off? -- PROTECTIVE SISTER IN INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE SISTER: Remind Heidi that even though Chad has promised to use protection to prevent a pregnancy, sometimes it can fail. Further, having sex with someone because she's afraid that if she doesn't she'll lose him is doing it for the wrong reason. If the guy is just after sex, he'll be after the next girl who presents a challenge.
Remind Heidi that giving her virginity is something she can do only once -- and that is the reason it should be with someone very special, preferably the man she would like to spend the rest of her life with. And even then, it should be because she's really ready and not because it was something she was pressured into.
DEAR ABBY: My husband reads your column every day, so I hope you will print this.
I have been in a long, stormy marriage for years. Several years ago, my husband started removing all household cash, leaving me with no money, whenever he became angry and upset with me, whatever the reason. Other women tell me this happens to them, too.
What does this behavior indicate? -- WEARY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WEARY: It indicates that your husband is using money (or the lack of it) to control and manipulate you. It is considered a form of spousal abuse.
You -- and the other women this is happening to -- would be wise to put aside a little money every week until you accumulate enough to consult a lawyer about what rights you have as a wife in the state of Pennsylvania. From my perspective, you are all being shortchanged.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have socialized with another couple, "Ginger" and "Roy," for about 20 years. And for that entire length of time, I cannot recall a single evening when they did not argue with each other. It gets very nasty and involves name-calling. It has made us very uncomfortable, and we'd prefer not to socialize with Ginger and Roy any longer.
Their invitations are always open-ended, and I can't think of enough excuses to avoid them. What would be a diplomatic way of letting them know we don't want to continue seeing them? -- CORNERED IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR CORNERED: After tolerating Ginger and Roy's misbehavior for 20 years, I'm surprised that it is only now that you have decided to draw the line. Because you don't plan to continue socializing with them, there is no reason to beat around the bush. The couple may not realize how offensive their bickering and name-calling are to other couples, and you will do them a favor to tell them exactly why they won't be seeing you.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)