Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SHARING PAIN OF MISCARRIAGE HELPS WOMEN OVERCOME LOSS
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Anonymous in the North" (March 12), I had to write. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage. Not only did I mourn the loss of my pregnancy, but I was also afraid I'd never be able to have any children.
"Anonymous" should know that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. If she talks with other women, she'll see she's not alone in her suffering. Sharing her story with others who have been through the same thing may help her ease the pain she's feeling.
Nine months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again with my son. The happiest moment of my life was when I saw his heartbeat on an ultrasound and was later able to hold him in my arms. I am now the happy mother of three.
Please extend my sympathies to "Anonymous," and tell her not to give up hope. -- ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH
DEAR MOM: I was touched by the number of women who wrote to support "Anonymous in the North," and amazed at how many of them said that they had had miscarriages, too. One reader suggested that "Anonymous" contact area hospitals to see if there is a local support group for parents who have suffered infant loss, explaining that it helped her cope with her own grief.
A national group that has helped many people is Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Inc. Founded in 1977, it has 80 chapters and offers mutual support for bereaved parents and families who have suffered a loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. It provides a monitored interactive Web site that includes chat rooms and message boards. Its toll-free number is (800) 821-6819, and its Web site is www.nationalshareoffice.com. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in the North" needs to realize that her anger and bitterness are normal. You don't get "over" a miscarriage, but you do get through it -- and life does get better.
What she needs to do is take care of herself, be gentle with herself. If that means avoiding or limiting her time with her brother and pregnant sister-in-law, or friends and family with babies, so be it! They need to understand that it isn't about them. It's a self-care issue. Unfortunately, family and friends can be a part of the problem.
Things not to say to someone who has miscarried:
1. "You'll get pregnant again." (Not everyone does.)
2. "You can always adopt." (That's a personal decision and should not be rushed into as second best.)
3. "It was for the best because it was defective, it was God's will, etc." (Unforgivable, even if it were true.)
I will never forget my disbelief and rage when a "friend" who knew of my miscarriage, and the emotionally and financially exhausting fertility treatments I was undergoing at the time, complained of her morning sickness and said, "Aren't you glad you're not going through this?"
If you don't know what to say about a friend's miscarriage, say "I'm so sorry," and then shut up. Don't try to "fix it," any more than you'd try to "fix" a widow by fixing her up. -- DANA IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR ABBY: After my miscarriage it was hard for me to see a pregnant woman or baby. My doctor gave me a book that helped me understand and deal with my feelings. I hope "Anonymous" can get a similar reference from her doctor. -- BEEN THERE AND GOT THROUGH IT
Friend Foils Woman's Plan to Cover Up Topless Past
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago when I was in college, I worked briefly as a topless dancer to pay my rent. I am not proud of it, and frankly, I try to forget it ever happened.
I am now married and have young children. My husband knows about my past and doesn't judge me. We have an agreement -- we just pretend it never happened. Of course, nothing has been said to our children or other family members, and we do not plan to say anything.
I have a friend from college, "Nancy," with whom I get together once or twice a year. We recently had her over. Out of the blue, Nancy looked at my 2-year-old daughter and said, "Did you know your mommy used to be a stripper?" Then she laughed. I was stunned. I let out a nervous laugh and stammered, "Uhh ... I try to forget I ever did that." She laughed and repeated her comment to my child!
Nancy is the last person I would have expected to say something like that. It wasn't meant maliciously, but I don't know why she said it. Maybe it was just a joke that turned out incredibly not funny. She has no children, so maybe she doesn't realize how impressionable a 2-year-old is.
My husband wasn't in the room when it happened. When I told him about it a few days later, he was very upset. He said I need to address this with her before we get together again. He says if I don't, he will.
I feel that we don't see Nancy often enough for this to be an issue. I couldn't believe she said it in the first place, but I can't believe she'll do it again. Of course, I'd be horrified if she did. What do I do? -- STRIPPED OF MY PRIDE
DEAR STRIPPED: I believe your friend will do it again. Nancy appears to be a person who lacks good judgment, or is simply unaware of how embarrassed you are by this part of your past. Although your daughter is too young to have understood the significance of your old college chum's statement, it should not have been made in the first place.
Explain to Nancy that you are not proud of what you did and ask her not to bring it up again, especially in front of your children. If she won't comply, then it may be time to end the friendship.
DEAR ABBY: My brother and his fiancee are being married this year, and I couldn't be happier for them. My problem is they want me to be part of the wedding party, but I just don't happen to be the "bridesmaid" type. I haven't worn a dress since I was a toddler and really don't feel comfortable wearing one.
The rest of our family expects me to be in the wedding, and I don't want to hurt my brother's or the bride-to-be's feelings. However, I feel it is better to take the risk of hurting feelings now than have a miserable bridesmaid ruining their perfect day.
Is there any way I can let them down gently? -- NEVER THE BRIDESMAID
DEAR NEVER: You should definitely be a part of your brother's wedding. The role you play does not have to be as a bridesmaid. Ask your brother and his fiancee if you could do something that does not require that you wear a dress. Perhaps you could do a reading instead. I'm sure you can work something out so everyone will be happy on their perfect day.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: You have always encouraged your readers to stay informed and to be proactive in their health care. Because of that, I am writing on behalf of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's Office of Women's Health and the Federal Citizen Information Center to tell you about our new Health Information Kit for women and their families.
May 13-19, National Women's Health Week, is an effort by the Department of Health and Human Services and an alliance of organizations to raise awareness about manageable steps women can take to improve their health.
That's why the FDA has created a Health Information Kit that includes more than a dozen free materials -- helpful information that recognizes the needs of women, not only as consumers, but also as family decision makers.
Thank you for getting this valuable consumer information out to your readers. -- KATHLEEN UHL, M.D., ASSISTANT COMMISSIONER FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH
DEAR KATHLEEN: I'm delighted to spread the word. Readers, I have reviewed the information the FDA is offering -- free of charge, including the cost of postage. The kits contain a gold mine of handy-dandy information on more than a dozen topics, and feature its new Medicine Booklets, first-of-their kind pamphlets with information about all products to treat depression, high blood pressure, cholesterol and smoking cessation. Also included are tips on reducing the risk of heart disease (a leading killer of women), food safety and much more.
All of the information has been compiled by the government at taxpayer expense, which is why it's offered to you at no charge.
Quantities are limited, so if you are interested in this offer, do not delay -- order today. Here's how: For the fastest service, order the Health Information Kit online at � HYPERLINK "http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov" ��www.pueblo.gsa.gov�. If you don't have online access, send your name and address to Health Information Kit, Pueblo, CO 81009, or call toll-free (888) 878-3256, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time, and ask for the Health Information Kit.
DEAR ABBY: On Mother's Day, our church has a tradition of asking all the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing and recognition of their importance to our community and the job they are doing.
My wife refuses to stand and be recognized by our community as a mother. She says she won't do it because there are some women in our church who are not standing, and some of them might not be able to be mothers and may be hurt at the recognition the others are receiving.
I realize that infertility may be a great loss to them, but these women live with it every day. I doubt that our church's annual recognition of mothers will add more pain than those women already endure. Don't you agree? -- PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR PROUD HUSBAND AND FATHER: No, I do not agree. Your wife is a woman with unusual sensitivity and empathy for the feelings of others. I respect her stance on remaining seated, and so should you.
CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS, MY DEAR MOTHER IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Mother's Day to the dearest mother in the world. You are in my thoughts and heart today, and every day.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)