To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Who Impregnates Teen Brings Out Readers' Wrath
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your many male readers. Regarding "Betrayed in the Midwest" (Dec. 27), whose fiance, "Reid," impregnated her younger sister, "Lindy," there are at least two major issues that the writer should consider about this man.
No. 1: He's an adult who had sex with a minor. In all states that I know of, this is a crime, reportable to Child Protective Services and to the law, and it's punishable. It amounts to statutory rape. Reid is the guilty party here. Lindy is a victim and should not feel punished in any way.
No. 2: Reid had unprotected sex with Lindy, which means he disregarded the health and safety of not only the girl, but also his fiance and himself. With whom else is he sexually active? Who knows what risks he has exposed all of them to?
Your advice to "Betrayed" was right on. She needs to distance herself and her sister from him as far as possible, as soon as possible. I hope that she'll continue to care for her sister, who obviously needs good parenting and role modeling. I hope she also realizes that the child of this situation is innocent and needs care as well. -- CONCERNED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER, PHOENIX
DEAR CONCERNED: Many readers were up in arms after reading that letter. They wrote and e-mailed to say that Reid belongs in jail as a pedophile. However, the age of consent is not the same in every state, and in the state where "Betrayed" lives, it is 16. (Lindy is 17.) Therefore, although Reid is a manipulative jerk with no conscience, he is not a "child molester." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: From the sound of it, Lindy is probably just a lonely, orphaned child looking for some attention. Reid is a user, and neither woman needs him in her life. You failed to point out that a man who has been "carried financially" by someone is not "well off," nor does age equal maturity. Lindy is probably on her own if she chooses to raise a baby with him. If she cares about her sister, "Betrayed" should dump Reid and have a frank discussion with the girl about alternatives to raising the baby herself. -- ELIZABETH IN UPPER DARBY, PA.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school teacher. The majority of my pregnant teen girls have boyfriends who are much older. This is the result of absent or divorced parents, or parents who must work several jobs to make ends meet. It is also the result of low expectations of female children and the media-led sexualization of young girls at an early age. Sometimes it makes me want to scream! -- CRANKY ADULT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: I strongly agree with your advice about kicking the deadbeat fiance out and, if she can handle it, allowing Lindy to live with her until she is 18 and graduates from high school. However, I would advise "Betrayed" to go one step further.
If Lindy chooses to keep her child, start immediately to get legal papers on paternity and financial support activated on the "father." He had admitted it, at least to the two women. She does not have to wait until the child is born to go to court.
Too many women wait until the child arrives, often existing on welfare, then try to fight the red tape to track down the man responsible. It doesn't have to wait. This suggestion is for Lindy and any other woman in her predicament. Sadly, there are far too many these days. I don't even want to start on "what's the world coming to ..." -- KICK-'IM-WHERE-IT-HURTS IN IDAHO
DEAR KICK 'IM: And often where they feel it the most is in the wallet.
Aunt Weighs Telling Niece the Facts of Her Adoption
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Elizabeth," died recently. She had adopted a baby at birth and insisted that the child not be told that she was adopted.
The "child" is now in her 50s, and we think that for years she may have suspected that she was adopted because she's different in appearance and temperament from other family members.
On the off chance that she has siblings, would it be wise to inform her at this late date of her adoption? I think the reason Elizabeth didn't want her to know was that she was afraid of losing her daughter's affections. I did not agree with that decision, but I honored it while my sister was alive. What are your thoughts on this matter? -- STAYING MUTE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR STAYING MUTE: Remain mute no longer. Your niece has a right to know her personal history. Adoption stopped being considered a deep, dark secret decades ago. I am sure she will have mixed feelings knowing this was kept from her for so long -- but it's important you share with her any and all information you have so that she can initiate a search if she wishes. At the least, she should know if there is a genetic predisposition to any illnesses in her background.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for my husband's mother to take him alone to dinner to celebrate his birthday? We have been married for 13 years and have two children, yet she did not include the rest of us. My husband thinks it's because she can't afford dinner for all of us, but I think she should then just order a pizza and have us to her house.
This is the third or fourth time she has invited him to dinner without including us, and I am hurt that I am excluded. Should I not take this personally? -- LEFT OUT ON THE LEFT COAST
DEAR LEFT OUT: If his mother wants alone time with her son, she could invite him to join her for lunch that day so they could talk privately. As it stands, I agree, you are being excluded -- and I'm curious about why your husband would go along with it.
DEAR ABBY: We moved to a small (six-house) cul-de-sac last October, and a few weeks later we were outside raking leaves. Two of our neighbors were outside as well, and no one introduced themselves or even waved.
We left a very friendly subdivision and were hoping to find the same in our new neighborhood. We are just looking for a smile, and someone to watch our house if we're out of town, etc. We'd be happy to return the favor.
Any advice for this new neighbor? When we bought the house we were told that all the neighbors were friendly and about our age. -- UNHAPPY IN THE CUL-DE-SAC
DEAR UNHAPPY: Please do not make a snap decision about your new neighbors. The "natives" may, indeed, be friendly. They may not, however, be as outgoing as your former neighbors were.
My advice is to go to each of them, introduce yourself, perhaps invite them over for coffee, and let them get to know you. Relationships take time to build, and not everyone may respond as you wish, but I'm betting some of them will. Hold a good thought.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Second Guessing Mother Is Applauded for Her First Action
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe my eyes when I read your reply to "Second-Guessing Myself in S.C." (Dec. 18), who reported her son and his friends for getting high on campus. You said she should have informed the boys' parents so they had the option of dealing with the matter themselves -- and she owed those parents an apology.
As a drug prevention professional, I know that "Second-Guessing" was correct! Drug use is unlikely to stop unless there is an intervention. At the school where I work, a suspension for substance abuse is followed by a mandatory use assessment and, if recommended, substance abuse education and/or counseling. The anger that the friends' parents directed toward the writer of that letter needs to be seen for what it is -- enabling. If those boys were caught high on a job, they'd be fired.
Please let your readers know that you made a mistake. Encourage parents to take a stand, talk with their children often about the dangers of drugs, and let their children know that if they use drugs, they'll be held fully accountable. -- MIDDLE SCHOOL DRUG PREVENTION SPECIALIST, FAIRBANKS, ALASKA
DEAR DRUG PREVENTION SPECIALIST: Perhaps this column can be used as a starting point for that conversation. A lot of folks were upset about my response to that letter, in which I told the writer I thought she had jumped the gun in reporting the problem to the school administration, and that she owed those parents an apology for jumping the gun. What I failed to take into consideration was that teachers are mandated by law to report anything they see that they know to be against the law. Mea culpa! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Would you have criticized that parent if the students were driving drunk? Shoplifting? Committing acts of vandalism? I think she should have reported them to the police as well as the school.
That the other parents were upset because their children were punished administratively is one of the reasons that so many kids get into trouble today. Their parents excuse the misdeed and fault the person who does take some positive action. Certainly, I expect parents to stand by their kids when they're in trouble, but being supportive does not mean excusing or covering up illegal behavior. Students need to learn accountability for their misdeeds, and not expect parents to bail (no pun intended) them out of their wrongdoings. -- RETIRED STATE TROOPER, ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR ABBY: As the mother of a boy who died of a drug overdose, I reacted strongly to your answer to "Second-Guessing Myself."
Those teens were breaking the law, and eventually their drug use could result in their own, or someone else's, death. Those students were using illegal drugs on school grounds. That mother did her son a favor by not putting him in a position where he had to rat on his friends, and believe me, the police would have put plenty of pressure on him to do so.
They did the crime. They need to be responsible for their behavior. She did the right thing. -- STILL GRIEVING IN THE EAST
DEAR ABBY: The teaching profession is ruled by a strict ethical code. Failure to report any illegal activity, whether it involves your child or the children of your friends, and whether it occurs at your school or not, can result in the loss of your teaching certificate and expose you to liability.
As a high school teacher, I all too often see children destroyed by parents who choose to "handle things themselves," which typically means they handle nothing at all. Parents who "help" their children by protecting them from the consequences of their actions in truth do them harm. This world would be a far better place if there were more mothers like the writer of that letter. -- MEREDITH IN THOMASTON, GA.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)