For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend Spoils for a Fight Over Man's Marriage to Milk
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Leon" for a few months. He is smart, cute, ambitious, caring, a great kisser and has a fantastic sense of humor. The problem? He gives new meaning to the phrase, "Got milk?"
Leon still has the remains of the first gallon of milk he ever purchased when he moved into his apartment. (He had overestimated the amount of milk he would consume, and before he knew it, had a gallon in his fridge that was three weeks past its expiration date.) Time passed, and still it remained there. Soon it was 6 months old and a novelty.
Abby, Leon has kept this container of milk through two roommates, three girlfriends, seven jobs and two refrigerators. It will soon be five years. He seems to have formed some sort of sentimental attachment to it. Can it still be classified as -- milk? Leon is entertained by the reaction he gets when people hear about it, and even has a blog about it with a picture.
If our relationship is to get serious, I see a "me or the milk" ultimatum in our future. Is it asking too much for him to leave his life of keeping expired dairy, or should I cut my losses and seek a dairy-free bachelor? Or should I just accept it as a souvenir or a pet? -- LACTOSE INTOLERANT IN OREGON
DEAR LACTOSE INTOLERANT: If Leon has kept the milk through two roommates, three girlfriends, seven jobs and two refrigerators, it may be that the specimen is the only constant in his life. Frankly, it's surprising that the odor from the spoilage didn't end his "udderly" revolting compulsion to keep it.
If you have truly reached the point of an ultimatum, tell him he has milked the joke for all it's worth. However, if he refuses to let it go, then you will either have to accept Leon and his moldy memento as a package deal -- or "mooove" on.
DEAR ABBY: My precious Mitzy went to the neighbor's house to socialize. She primped for nearly two hours, and even though she is of humble breeding, I thought she looked stunning. But when she pranced over to see Adonis, he ignored her! She swayed her hips to entice him, but finally became discouraged and returned home. I held her in my lap to soothe her and gave her a bowl of warm milk.
Later that week, Adonis' master came calling and ordered me to "Keep that tawdry Mitzy away from my fine Adonis!" I politely replied that my Mitzy would be a marvelous catch for his Adonis, and I am encouraging the relationship.
How can I protect Mitzy's heart? Did I do the right thing? -- LOVER OF LOVE
DEAR LOVER OF LOVE: No, you did not. You may be a lover of love, but if you're wise you'll spay your cat and protect her from contracting a feline social disease. That is obviously what Adonis' owner has done, or Adonis would have succumbed to Mitzy's attempt at seduction.
DEAR ABBY: I understand men and women have different views on life. My fiancee and I are being married next June. She hangs onto old photo albums and T-shirts from her exes. If she never looks at them, then why keep them? -- PUT OFF IN SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE
DEAR PUT OFF: People -- and that includes men, by the way -- usually keep memorabilia out of sentiment. The souvenirs may remind your fiancee of happy events, or even reassure her that people in her past found her attractive. I am sure they are no threat to you or your relationship. However, if the fact that she has them bothers you, ask that they be stored someplace where you won't have to see them.
Mother Must Shelter Both Her Daughter and Her Dad
DEAR ABBY: As a clinician specializing in geriatric mental health, I was concerned about your response to "Ambivalent in California" (Sept. 10). She asked whether to sever ties with her 85-year-old father after he molested his young granddaughter. Your advice to pursue treatment was on target, but the guilt trip you placed on Ambivalent for wanting to maintain a relationship with her father was cruel.
Given that his behavior did not manifest until an advanced age, it was almost certainly due to age-related changes consistent with emerging dementia. She will need to make sure that proper care is provided for her father and should be instrumental in accessing services and placement options that will guarantee he cannot victimize anyone else. (Elder services and her family physician can suggest appropriate referrals.)
She will also need to nurture and care for her daughter. Hopefully, with the assistance of a skilled professional, Grandpa's probable pathology can be delicately explained. It may help her healing process if she knows the cause of the behavior was illness.
Of course, it's important to protect the teenager from further harm, as she has already suffered enough. Fortunately, this can be accomplished without rejecting a weakened and elderly parent at a vulnerable time in his life. -- GERIATRIC PROFESSIONAL IN N.H.
DEAR GERIATRIC PROFESSIONAL: Thank you for offering a more empathetic insight than I offered. Other readers shared similar personal experiences that support your view. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather was a dear man, a gentleman with whom I spent a great deal of time while growing up. We waded trout streams together, weeded gardens together, and he taught me to play cribbage. The warm memories go on and on.
But as an elderly man, nature caused him to take a turn. Mom telephoned us girls (now mothers ourselves) and warned us not to bring our daughters to visit. I was shocked at the idea that Grandpa had become a "dirty old man." But his kindness and gentleness were gone, as were his smile and the twinkle in his eye. He would have been horrified to realize what he had become.
Abby, you are right that "model fathers" do not molest their granddaughters. But elderly men sometimes, for some reason, can become unaware of their boundaries. And sometimes they become someone other than the person they were years ago. Please do not condemn them. -- BEEN THERE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: My dad had dementia for a number of years before his death at 98. Dad, who had always been a prude about sex, began making inappropriate comments. It was caused by dementia. I wish I had been more understanding and patient with him.
I understand Ambivalent's love for her father and not wanting to cut him out of her life. She must explain to her daughter that her father is unable to think normally and clearly and visit him alone in his final years. -- STILL MISSING MY DAD
DEAR ABBY: My family experienced a similar situation. Although Dad never molested anyone, he did expose himself to my teenage nieces. He was diagnosed with dementia, and as a precaution, we no longer left him alone with our children. I am glad we got him the kind of help he needed. And I urge other families in this situation to find support groups. You are not alone. We lost Dad two years ago and miss him terribly. -- YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IN INDIANA
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Online Pursuit of Daughter Arouses Mom's Suspicions
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, my 35-year-old sister met a man online. After corresponding (via telephone and e-mail) for about two weeks, she moved two states away to move in with him. She never saw a picture of him and had never met him in person before she moved to be with him.
This man -- I believe he's 45 -- now wants to communicate with my 14-year-old daughter. He tries to chat with her online and doesn't understand why I think it is inappropriate. He says he's "family" now, and I am being overprotective.
Abby, am I being overprotective of my daughter? I have never met or spoken to this man and feel he has no right to communicate with my daughter. Please help. -- LOSING IT IN MONROE, LA.
DEAR LOSING IT: It's your duty as a parent to protect your minor child from perceived danger. You sister's friend is acting like a pedophile and a stalker. He isn't "family," and objecting to your daughter being approached by a stranger is not being overprotective.
Since you don't know his background, contact the police department in the city in which he lives and ask if he has a record. Then Google him to find out if there's any information about him online. And, above all, warn your daughter not to trust him because, from your description, the man could be dangerous.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a very nice man for about four months. He lives with his 23-year-old daughter.
He loves when I cook for him, and when he asks me to cook I do it because I enjoy it as a creative outlet. But every time I make a dish, his daughter comes along and adds things to it. I was making Sunday gravy, and she added something to that. Another time, I was making pasta primavera, and she poured a can of beans into it.
I am a very good cook, Abby. I do not need any help in the kitchen. How can I stop her from adding things to the meals I am cooking? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The least confrontational way to accomplish it would be to cook for her father at YOUR house.
DEAR ABBY: Would you allow me to add to your letters sharing acts of kindness? My husband was deployed to Iraq for a year. Close to the time of his return, I went to some businesses in our community to ask if they would put welcome home messages in their windows or on their marquees. The responses I got were incredible!
An eye doctor even offered to give our family free eye exams and glasses/contacts if they were needed. A chiropractor offered to give my husband a free adjustment. I was overwhelmed with the support my family was given, as was my husband when, on the drive home, he saw message after message of support and welcome.
It was touching to see that the sacrifices he, and we as a family, made were appreciated by our community. -- THANKFUL AND INSPIRED, ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR THANKFUL AND INSPIRED: Your letter touched my heart, not only for the sacrifices your husband and family have made in the line of duty, but also because of the spirit displayed by the members of the business community in your city. We all owe a debt of gratitude to the brave young men and women who serve in our armed forces, and it is one that should never be forgotten.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)