For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Who Wants to Style Hair Worries About His Reputation
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old man, and I think I have found what I want to do with the rest of my life. There's just one thing: It's not the typical male career. I want to work in a beauty salon as a stylist.
What's holding me back is I'm afraid people will think I'm gay. I have nothing against gay folks, but I am strictly heterosexual.
I have always been told that I'm good-looking, and the fact that I am artistic will also be a plus. I think I could make a lot of money in this field.
Please advise me how to get over this hurdle. -- FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST? IN N.Y.
DEAR FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST?: You have chosen a fertile field of endeavor, one that provides opportunity, portability and the possibility of steady work. While it is true that there are many gay men in the field of hairdressing, there have been over the years some very successful -- and famous -- heterosexuals. Examples: Vidal Sassoon, Jon Peters, Jay Sebring, Gene Shacove and, more recently, Jonathan Antin, to name a few.
How you will be perceived should not be your primary consideration. You know who you are, and the fact that you are straight will get around. Speaking as someone who has spent many hours in beauty salons over the years, I can tell you firsthand that there are very few secrets.
DEAR ABBY: I am basically your average seventh-grader with divorced parents. My dad is about to get married again. I like my future stepmom, except for one thing. She never buckles her seat belt. She says it's uncomfortable, and she doesn't like it.
She recently moved here from Colombia, but that does not excuse her from obeying our laws. I don't know what to do. My dad tells her to buckle up, but she never does. What should I do? -- STRAPPED IN TIGHT
DEAR STRAPPED: Most adults hate being told they are wrong by a young person, so if I were you, I would use a light touch and two-pronged attack. The next time your father's fiancee refuses to buckle up, casually mention that the front passenger seat of an automobile is sometimes referred to as the "death seat" for a reason -- that people who have not fastened their seat belts have been known to go headfirst through the windshield. Then change the subject. (Example: "Oh! Did you see that cool red Corvette?")
Your father should also tell her privately that by refusing to buckle up, she's setting a poor example for his child.
DEAR ABBY: How do you stop someone from serving food you don't like? A woman I tutor was nice enough to make me a dish native to her country, and when she asked me if I liked it, I gave her a rave review (to spare her feelings). I really hated it, but now she thinks I love it, and she keeps making it for me.
How can I refuse without hurting her feelings? I don't want to continue to just accept it and have to throw it away. -- WASTING FOOD IN VIRGINIA
DEAR WASTING FOOD: Try this: "You were so kind to make it, and I thank you. But as much as I like it, it doesn't like ME -- so I cannot accept it."
It's as close to the truth as you can get without being offensive, and should successfully discourage her from making it in the future.
Desperate Housewife Meets Guardian Angel at Yard Sale
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed reading the occasional letters people write you about the acts of kindness they have experienced. I would like to share one that happened to me.
About a year ago my husband left me. Shortly afterward, I learned that he had embezzled funds from work, been fired from his job, and that our home was in foreclosure and the utility bills had not been paid.
I had been an agoraphobic housewife for years. In a panic for funds, I held a yard sale. That weekend I met quite a few of my neighbors and, in the course of the day, we shared stories of marriages gone wrong. I received many words of encouragement, even as I watched my beloved possessions carted away for a pittance. But the most amazing thing happened that day. A woman I'd never met before came back after the sale, handed me an envelope and left. Inside was $200. I cried like a baby.
Since then, I have overcome my agoraphobia, found a job and an apartment, and have begun the long process of rebuilding my life. I have no way to find that angel to thank her, but I'm hoping she reads this letter and knows that through her act of faith and love she helped me to achieve independence. You are, indeed, an angel, mystery woman! -- MS. B. FROM HORN LAKE, MISS.
DEAR MS. B.: The kind of empathy you described is usually demonstrated by someone who has experienced a similar kind of pain. Doing a good deed for someone in need can be an empowering act -- not only for the receiver but also for the doer. Sometime in the future, you will meet a person who needs a helping hand -- and when you do, you'll pass her good deed along and be a "guardian angel," too.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a loving family. My mom and I argue about only one thing -- my hair. Mom wants me to have short hair, but I want it long. I think I am old enough to decide how I want to wear my hair.
I have tried to compromise with her about it, but she won't listen. I take care of my hair by myself, so I don't understand. Please help me. -- CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR IN FREMONT, N.C.
DEAR CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR: At 16 you should be able to wear your hair as you wish, as long as it's clean and neat. I wish you had told me exactly what your mother's objection is to long hair. Could it be that she's afraid it will be too time-consuming to take care of?
If that's not the problem, then it may be this argument isn't really about hair at all. It's about her asserting control and your deferring to her wishes. If that's the case she's squandering her authority -- because a wise parent chooses her battles more carefully.
DEAR ABBY: With the holiday season fast approaching, my husband and I are wondering what does one give to the day-care provider who cares for our child during the work week? Should it be a monetary gift, or a personal gift for her? Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CURIOUS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR CURIOUS: A nice card with money is always appropriate -- and that way your day-care provider can select something she would like or perhaps needs.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Tribute to Golf Club Member Ruled Out of Bounds by Owner
DEAR ABBY: My family owns a golf course. One of the longtime members, a man I'll call "Jack," died suddenly. Another member took it upon himself to commission a watercolor of a golf scene and hang it in the pro shop in Jack's memory. The painting is tastefully done, matted and framed with a brass plaque stating, "In Memory of ..."
The problem is, it just appeared on the wall without getting permission. The deceased member's family saw it recently and had no idea it had been done or who did it. Apparently, the golf pro knew about it, but he left on vacation right after it was put up and never notified us. He quit as soon as he returned from vacation -- but he did identify the person who had the painting commissioned.
The fact that someone would think it appropriate to put a memorial in another's place of business strikes me as odd. We have had many members pass away, and there is no picture hanging in their memory. Jack donated time and money to the course, and a bridge has been dedicated in his memory and a sign erected at the bridge. However, other past members have contributed as much or more than Jack did, and there's nothing in their honor or memory.
Enough is enough. I think the best place for the picture is with Jack's widow. I believe she would appreciate the fact that a club member had the painting done in her husband's memory and would enjoy looking at it -- in her home. What do you think, Abby? -- STRIKES ME AS ODD
DEAR STRIKES ME AS ODD: Obviously Jack was well-liked, or a bridge would not have been dedicated in his memory. Although your family owns the club, you should realize that when members join your club -- if they like it and feel at home there -- they begin to feel some "ownership" in it.
While it may have been presumptuous for the person who commissioned the painting to have hung it in your pro shop without first asking for permission, I see it as a sentimental gesture, not someone trying to usurp your authority. However, because you are the owner (or one of them) and because you are offended, you should take it up with the person who ordered the painting.
DEAR ABBY: Given all your years of giving advice, what would you say is the main basic problem in society today? I think it's a lack of communication skills. Perhaps if we all just began speaking up, speaking plainly and with others' feelings in mind, many things would be easier. What do you think? -- TAB IN SWANSEA, ILL.
DEAR TAB: You have posed an interesting question. While I agree that if people of conscience were willing to speak their minds we would live in a less complicated world, there is no "one" basic problem in society today.
I receive more than 10,000 letters and e-mails a week from people pouring out not only their headaches, but their heartaches as well. Many of them are hoping to find quick and easy solutions to problems they've struggled with for years, while others don't expect an answer -- they write only to complain, unload or confess. Many of those who write to me are lonely and have no one to talk to. They know they can confide in me and that I will treat them with respect.
My mother used to describe herself as "an amateur wailing wall without portfolio." And I can attest to the fact that there are as many different kinds of problems as stones in the wailing wall.
Readers, what do you think society's greatest problem is today?
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)