What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen Wants to Win Approval of Girlfriend's Dubious Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and I have been dating this girl, "Beth," for two months and three weeks -- a long time for me. When we started dating, I told her I had had sex before, and I had just quit smoking and drinking and stuff. Well, Beth told her mom, and now her mom doesn't believe I quit!
I want Beth's mom to approve of me because it'll make it easier for her to deal with me, because I really like Beth. I've been to their house three times, and I've met her mom, her dad and her aunt, but her mom talks about me behind my back. She's threatening to break us up -- but I haven't done anything to her mom. I'm usually polite and well-mannered, but she just doesn't like me. Please help me. We don't plan on having sex. Beth wants to wait, which is fine with me. -- CRAZY IN LOVE, FORT STEWART, GA.
DEAR CRAZY IN LOVE: For one moment, please try and look at this from the mother's point of view. When mothers fantasize about the boys their little girls will eventually date, it is not usually someone who at 14 has had sex, smoked, drank alcohol -- "and stuff" -- even if they say they have quit.
It might help to have a man-to-man talk with Beth's father and make clear to him that you respect his daughter, are in no way trying to take advantage of her, and that you are now walking the straight and narrow. I can't promise it'll work, but it's worth a try.
DEAR ABBY: I am in college. A girl from another country relies on me for all of the information the professor in one class lectures on. I feel sorry for her because I understand how difficult it is to get a grasp on a subject that is taught in a tongue that is not your own.
We exchanged phone numbers because the professor asked us to do so, to ensure that we had someone to update us if we missed a class. Now the girl won't stop calling me, sometimes three times a day or more, to clarify the material.
Abby, I have three children and a husband to take care of, and I'm taking two classes with tons of homework. I do not have time to re-teach the class to anyone. I would have already snapped at someone who was rude or mean, but this girl is excruciatingly nice. What should I do? -- TRAPPED IN GEORGIA
DEAR TRAPPED: Your classmate may have a comprehension problem; she could also be just plain lonely. If I were you, I'd tell the professor what's going on and ask if he/she can arrange for her to get some extra help of a more formal nature. Then I would kindly tell the young woman that, because of the demands of my family as well as school, my time is extremely limited and, if she has more than one question about a class, she must direct them elsewhere.
DEAR ABBY: During the year, I host several birthday and holiday dinners in my home. When I have three generations, should I ask the eldest to give the blessing? If my son and his wife are present, which one should I ask? When I have friends in, should I ask them to do the honors?
I don't want to embarrass anyone, but I don't want anyone to feel left out, either. I have always felt awkward about this subject and never know what is appropriate. -- GREAT-GRANDMOTHER IN KENTUCKY
DEAR GREAT-GRANDMOTHER: The solution to your problem is to ask your guests which one of them would like to give the blessing, or offer it yourself.
Man Abused in Prison Now Sees His Attacker at Work
DEAR ABBY: When I was younger, I got in trouble with the law and spent a couple of years in prison. Because of my slight build and good looks, I received unwanted attention from several of my fellow inmates. It was very traumatic, and it took years of therapy after I was released to come to terms with what happened to me.
I now have a job that I love, but recently the company hired one of the men who raped me in prison. This is upsetting because he recognized me and gives me this horrible smile every time our paths at work cross. I don't know what to do because I really need this job, and if I were to quit, I wouldn't find one in this area that would pay me half as much as I get now. I can't just up and move because I have to care for my mother, whose health is failing. What can I do? -- MANHANDLED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MANHANDLED: It's a pity your attacker was released from prison, because someone like him belongs behind bars permanently. Obviously, your employer is one who believes in giving convicts a second chance. I think you should tell your boss exactly what you have told me. If I were your employer, I would want to know so that I could either get rid of that employee, or arrange that your paths never cross again.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a college professor. His department wanted the faculty to have Web pages with a "personal" touch, so they ordered each faculty member to have a photograph taken to post on them. If they chose not to display their own pictures, they could post a picture of something they like or that represents their particular field of study.
My husband decided to post a picture of Michelangelo's "David" on his Web page. I just about flipped when I saw it. I asked him why he chose that one, and he had numerous excuses, none of them to my satisfaction.
My husband does not teach anything remotely tied to the "David," Michelangelo, art, Italy, Renaissance history, etc. The closest he comes to it is he teaches summer school in Europe and recruits students for his classes over there. I told him he should be promoting his program, not this.
I am not a prude. I've been to Florence and have seen the statue. It's a fabulous art treasure, and I can see why it's famous. I guess my biggest concern is that my husband might be bisexual, and this is his subconscious way of saying so. He hasn't given me any other reason to believe it, but I can't imagine any other reason why a normal heterosexual man would have this picture "represent" himself. Can you please give me your thoughts on this? -- WORRIED WIFE
DEAR WORRIED: You didn't mention your husband's reasons for posting the picture, so I can't evaluate whether they make sense to me. Because his school had no objection to his selection of artwork, I'd say you are overreacting.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder -- and so is evil. Michelangelo's "David" represents the ideal of perfection in the male physique. Perhaps your husband chose that image because he wishes that's the way he looked -- or not. Would you have been equally suspicious if a female professor had used a picture of the "Venus de Milo"? Sometimes a picture is only a picture.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Opposites Can Make Marriage Work if There's Mutual Respect
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Polar Opposites," who wondered if she should marry her boyfriend because they are so different. (You told her no.)
My husband and I have been married 12 years and a couple for 15. We are the perfect example of why it can work. If there are two people more different than we are, I have yet to meet them.
My husband is an intellectual with an Ivy League education. I never went to college. His family is small and -- well -- not like mine at all, which is huge and loud. He grew up with no religion; I was raised Catholic. As for the other differences she mentioned, they are small and insignificant.
People don't get along 100 percent of the time, regardless of how alike they are. Marriage is about compromise and respect. As long as you have those things, and open lines of communication, it will work. I love that we're so different. My husband gives me courage when I want to hide. I drag him out to play when he'd rather sit on the couch. We each make up for what the other lacks -- and that's a good thing. -- WROTE THE BOOK ON THAT
DEAR WROTE THE BOOK: I advised the young woman against marriage to her boyfriend because her letter reeked of negativity. Not once did she mention what they have in common or that either of them was willing to work on their relationship, and that does not bode well for a successful future. Readers were divided on the issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The differences between them are crucial, and any one of them is a deal breaker. Fighting for what can only bring heartache is foolish, and I think that young woman should be applauded for her wisdom. I know -- I married an "opposite" and have lived to regret it. -- ALLIE IN PORT HUENEME, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Opposites are often the best pairs! Her description of their differences sounds exactly like my husband and me, and we just celebrated the 27th anniversary of our first date. (My romantic husband celebrates everything that has to do with us.)
Many people tell us we have the best marriage in St. Louis -- which may or may not be true -- but what we DO have is mutual love and respect, and the desire to work hard on our marriage. You told her she has a negative mind-set. Let me add that in addition to that, she also seems judgmental and superior. Her boyfriend sounds like a winner to me. Do you have his number? We have four daughters! -- LAUREN IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage to my polar opposite, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, especially when it comes to having children. "Do not be yoked to an unbeliever." It's a choice she'll regret for the rest of her life! -- GINA IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: Yes, "Polar Opposite" may have a negative attitude, but it's probably because she's analyzing her relationship with her boyfriend rationally. Happy marriages require more than mutual attraction and love. Differences in family, beliefs, likes and dislikes all can make or break a marriage.
I think they could make it work, and I found her rationality refreshing. If more people were that informed about the realities in their relationships, there would be fewer divorces. I suspect she has just outgrown this relationship and will be happy to move on. You were right to give her "permission." -- DIANE IN PROVO, UTAH
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