To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom Demands Center Stage at Her Daughter's Expense
DEAR ABBY: I own my own home. My mother lives with me. I cannot understand why she makes up the most fantastic, whopping lies. Mother tells people that I live with her and she pays all the bills. Abby, I pay the bills, and I'm left with pocket change at the end of the month because her spending sprees keep me financially strapped.
She also has to be the center of attention. She'll go to any length to keep the spotlight on herself, even if it means making me look like a complete idiot.
If I do anything that earns acknowledgment or recognition, Mother tells these people that she instructed me, or suggested the work, or had a lot to do with the project.
Is her behavior a form of jealousy, rivalry or downright meanness? Is the attention so important to her that she must embarrass me or make me look like I'm living off her when the reverse has been true for the last 20 years? What makes my mother have to do this to me? -- PUZZLED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR PUZZLED: People lie for various reasons. Some lie because they are ashamed to tell the truth; others lie to make themselves seem more important. Your mother may do it because she's competitive with you, but it's more likely she's a compulsive liar. A therapist might help you pinpoint her rationale, but I cannot without knowing her. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and the man I date is in his late 30s. He has children by his first wife, from whom he has been divorced nearly six years. Although we have dated casually for a couple of years, our conversations recently have turned to serious topics -- like possibly marrying and having children.
I will be meeting his kids soon and would appreciate any suggestions you can offer in relating to them. I'm college-educated, independent, stable, and have a successful career. But his is a situation I have never confronted before. He has mentioned the possibility of introducing me to his children before, but this is the first time I have agreed. This is my first experience with children. He has two sons, 14 and 15, and a daughter who will be 13 in February. Help! -- PANICKED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR PANICKED: Calm down and discuss your qualms with your boyfriend. Ask what kinds of things his children are interested in, then do a little reading up so you can ask intelligent questions. I have found that when people show a sincere interest in the interests of others, it makes them more attractive to be around. Remember, it's OK not to know everything. In fact, his children may feel they have more to contribute if you don't. And above all, relax and be yourself. (That's the person they're going to have to get to know, anyway.) This isn't an Academy Award performance -- so play it cool, don't try too hard, and I'm sure you'll be a hit. Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: After a recent trip to see my father and his wife (my parents have been divorced for eight years), my stepmother left a message on my answering machine that said, "It's Mom and Dad calling to see if you got home OK."
Abby, I barely know this woman and certainly have never called her anything but her first name. How should I deal with this sudden and unexpected change in her? -- OFFENDED IN N.Y.
DEAR OFFENDED: If the woman didn't like you, she wouldn't have left the message she did, which appears to be a warm one. If I were you, I wouldn't make waves. Address her as you always have and let her call herself whatever she likes.
Children Know More Than We Think About the Birds and Bees
DEAR ABBY: I got a big kick out of all the adults who responded to your "truth at the zoo" column. As they say, "out of the mouths of babes" come the most truthful responses.
When my daughter was quite young, I also took her to the zoo. My daughter was very intelligent, but on that occasion she surprised even me. It was mating season, and we were viewing the peacocks. A young mother and her little boy were standing near us when the boy asked his mom why the peacocks were saying, "Now! Now!" (That's what it sounded like!) The mother blushed and gave her son some lame reason. My daughter chimed in, "The birds with the pretty feathers are the boys, and they want to make babies. They want to do it NOW!" -- MOM IN TAMPA
DEAR MOM: What a hoot! I can't believe it, but I'm still getting mail about the column. It seems that not only do kids "say the darndest things" -- so do their parents. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: At a county fair last year, my husband and I were at the rabbit exhibit, and I overheard a mother explain to her child that what the bunnies were doing (read amorous pastime) was called "getting married." While technically incorrect, I thought that mother had a firm grip on family values. (I also hoped she'd explain things more clearly at the proper time and place.) I think it was a wonderful way to start the teaching and learning process of the birds and the bees. That mother seemed to be on track, and I was proud to have witnessed it. I still smile when I remember the encounter. -- MOTHER IN BUNKER HILL
DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more story about the zoo? When my granddaughter Gabi was 2 1/2, my daughter took her to the zoo. She was pointing out the animals, and when they got to the cows, my daughter said, "Gabi, look at the one over there, the one with the horns. That's a boy cow!" Gabi looked up at her mother and said, "Mama, that's a bull!" Never underestimate children. They may surprise you. -- PROUD GRANDMA, MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I served as a zoo docent for 15 years, giving tours and taking zoo animals into classrooms for lectures. When asked a tough question, we were taught to say, "I don't know, but I will find out and get back to you with the answer." We would always take a name, phone number or address, and be sure that the question was answered correctly.
One day, we actually heard a docent tell a class that an ostrich will "hide" by putting his/her head in the sand. (Not true!) After that, we had a standing joke: A male ostrich was chasing a female ostrich, but she was doing a great job of staying just out of his reach. She abruptly turned a corner and stuck her head in the sand. The male turned the same corner, hot on her heels, but stopped dead in his tracks, uttering the immortal words, "Where did she go?" -- JOAN IN RIVERTON, UTAH
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were both "city kids." When our boys were 4 and 5, we took them to the county fair. In the cow barn, the oldest asked his dad what the difference was between a cow and a bull. He answered: The bulls have horns (much to the merriment of the farmer sitting on the fence).
A few years later, we moved to a farming community and lived a block away from a cattle farmer. Again we attended the county fair. Walking along, my son pulled his dad aside and whispered in his ear: "Dad, I found out the difference between a cow and a bull. It's not horns. It's lower!" -- VIRGINIA IN VILLA RICA, GA.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
First Lesson in College Is to Rise and Shine on Time
DEAR ABBY: I teach and advise first-year students at a college, and one of the most critical problems students have is sleeping through class because they haven't learned to get themselves up in the morning.
Last week, a sophomore student missed a math class at 8 a.m. because her father failed to call her that morning and get her out of bed.
PLEASE advise parents to buy an alarm clock for their children, starting in sixth grade, and make them learn to get themselves out of bed, even if it means suffering the consequences once or twice for being late. Daddy's not going to make that wake-up call forever, and Mom shouldn't have to serve as the alarm clock for kids over 12 years of age. We'd appreciate students who can at least do that much for themselves -- and I'm sure their future employers would too. -- FRUSTRATED ADVISER IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR ADVISER: I'm pleased to help spread the message. Parents, the longer bad habits are ignored, the harder they are to break. Sometimes it's necessary to use "tough love" to teach children self-reliance and independence. Do it now, while the penalties they will have to pay for their mistakes are still minor. By the time they're out of the nest, it's too late.
DEAR ABBY: I recently began dating this guy, "Don," I met a few months ago. For the most part, he's good to me. The problem is I have strong feelings for him, but I'm not sure he feels the same way.
Don says he loves me, and he does treat me wonderfully -- something I've always wanted -- but I have this nagging feeling that "something" will go wrong. I don't know where this stems from. I feel myself starting to fall in love with him, but I don't know if I should because he has been married four times already. Please help me. I don't want to lose him. -- HOLDING BACK IN OHIO
DEAR HOLDING BACK: The "nagging feeling" you described may be your common sense telling you to put on the brakes before giving your whole heart. Let's face it, this man has a terrible track record when it comes to commitment. Get to know him a lot better before planning a future with him. This is one of those cases where only time will tell -- lots and lots of time.
DEAR ABBY: I'm about to have my first baby. I'm very excited about it. People ask if I'm nervous about giving birth. To tell you the truth, the only part of labor and delivery I'm afraid of is the fact that my mother-in-law insists on being there.
I agreed when she first asked me, but I have changed my mind, and I'm wondering how I can avoid having her there when the time comes. I actually find myself praying for a C-section because then she cannot be there.
How should this be handled? Should we tell her before the birth, or should we just call her after the baby is born with the good news? -- TRAPPED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR TRAPPED: If you can't find the courage to tell your mother-in-law beforehand that you have changed your mind, discuss that fact with your OB/GYN, and specify that you want only your husband with you during labor and delivery. Your doctor can make sure your wishes are carried out.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)