For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Baby Deserves Top Priority in Woman's Plan for Future
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have been going out with an older man (17 years older) I'll call "Sherman" for about a year. He and I are having a baby together in three months.
I don't know if I want to be with Sherman anymore. He keeps telling me that if I want to be with someone more my age -- which I do -- I should break off before things get worse. He says he'd rather be heartbroken now than have me tell him later that I have found someone else.
My friends tell me that if I don't want to be with Sherman, I should just tell him and go on my way. What do you think I should do? Should I try to work things out with him, or tell him that it's over and move on with my life? -- CONFUSED IN MAINE
DEAR CONFUSED: Your friends' advice would be good -- if you weren't expecting a baby with Sherman. However, because there is a child involved who will need support, and preferably the love and care of both parents, you must consider what is best for your baby. Because nowhere in your letter did you indicate that Sherman has said he wants to marry you or provide for his child's support, your next move should be to talk to an attorney about a legal arrangement for the benefit of the baby.
DEAR ABBY: My mother loves to knit, and she's superb at it. When our children were born, Mama was delighted to have new family members to knit for -- and she has done so throughout their lives.
Last summer, Mama announced that she will no longer knit for our oldest, "Heather," who is 12, because Heather loses everything. Mama said she will no longer pour so much effort into a sweater, hat or scarf only to see it disappear because it was left on a playground.
Last Christmas, all the children received scarves, but only those of the younger two were hand-knit. Heather's came from a store. It was nice -- but it was store-bought.
Now Heather is very hurt, and I don't know what to do. We love our daughter, but she hasn't learned to care for her things, and Mama is adamant about her knitting. What should we do? -- LOST IN OREGON
DEAR LOST: Explain to your daughter that, as hurt as she may feel about the scarf, it's a drop in the bucket compared to how her grandmother felt having spent hours creating a one-of-a-kind item only to have it left somewhere. Heather is not the offended party -- Grandma is. A step in the right direction would be a handwritten letter from Heather to her grandmother apologizing for her carelessness.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.
I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA
DEAR WORRIED MOM: From my perspective, you don't need to change a thing. With all due respect to Dr. Dobson, your husband is already a manly role model to your son. He is teaching the boy important survival skills that will be invaluable when he is older. With luck, your son will turn out to be every bit the man -- and father -- that your husband is.
Dad Owes Daughter an Apology for Springing New Mom on Her
DEAR ABBY: "Crushed in California" whined about her new stepdaughter's "rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel" reaction after Stepmom and Dad dumped notice on his 24-year-old daughter -- in a public place, no less -- that they had eloped.
Abby, the ADULTS were the rude, insensitive, inappropriate, self-centered and inconsiderate parties in this matter -- not the daughter. They are the ones who should be seeking to mend fences.
When I decided to remarry, we invited my daughters (all in their 20s) over for a private dinner at home where we made the announcement, invited the girls to participate in the planning and answered questions. And yes, the question about a pre-nup was raised. So what! My daughters wanted assurance that I had thought things through. They wanted to know how the marriage would change our family's dynamics, home arrangements, college plans, etc. They were surprised. They got emotional. But they clearly cared about me and my happiness. Their questions weren't out of line; they were the same questions I got from close friends.
It seems to me that these self-centered "adults" cared diddly-squat about what Dad's daughter felt or worried about: Keep the young woman in the dark. Don't let her contribute toward planning the event. Don't let her attend this milestone. Then dump the news on her in a public place to keep her emotional response contained. That ought to show her how important she is in her dad's new life!
Get over it, Stepmom. You married a man with a daughter. She needs to be part of your life right now. You and Dad blew it by shutting her out. Maybe in time the daughter will forgive you. -- A DAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR DAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: You appear to be at the helm of a close and functional family. It's sad that more families aren't like your own.
What bothered me about the letter from "Crushed in California" was that the first words out of the daughter's mouth had to do with money. I believe that people who earn and save money should be able to spend it as they wish. I also believe that it is unwise to count other people's money as your own. If the father wants his daughter to have any of his assets, then he should have a will that says so. (It's called estate planning.) If he already has a will leaving his property to his daughter, now that he is married he will need a new one, because here in California, his wife would have a claim on half his estate in the event of his death.
Read on for other readers' comments:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, have a stepdaughter who "freaked out" when her father and I married. Her father and I were shocked at her reaction. We offered her the option of family counseling, but she refused to go. My husband and I decided to go by ourselves. It worked miracles!
Once his daughter came to grips with the fact that we were going to stay together, and she would always still have her father, things gradually got better. Now, a few years later, we're a close and loving family. It seems she was afraid she would no longer be No. 1 to Daddy, but she is -- she's just No. 1 Daughter. I am No. 1 Wife. There is plenty of love to go around for the both of us. -- NO. 1 WIFE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ABBY: If you look beyond the daughter's initial reaction, I think you'll see someone who was scared to death of losing her father. Eloping was probably interpreted as the first step to abandonment. Bottom line: She was scared. Instead of pulling away from her and resenting her, they should embrace her and reassure her that she'll always be part of their lives. -- ANOTHER DADDY'S GIRL IN PORTLAND
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Quinn," and I have been married for two years. We're college sweethearts who re-found each other. Our marriage is solid and romantic. We were both married before -- to the worst life has to offer -- so we truly appreciate each other. Quinn is extremely good-looking, and I'm no slouch, either. We have been told many times what a striking couple we are.
Quinn came into this marriage with grown children. He has five daughters, three of whom make a point of saying, each time we see them, how "Mrs. Smith really has the hots for Dad," or, "Miss Johnson wants Dad so bad she can't get over him," or, "We ran into our old high school teacher, and she only wanted to talk about Dad and how hot he was." Another daughter tells us how all her friends (21 to 23) want to date him!
This has become redundant and tiring, and I don't believe any of it is true. I think they say it only to make me uncomfortable and, frankly, I feel it's rude. What's the best way to handle this? -- THE NEW WIFE
DEAR NEW WIFE: Do it with humor. If Quinn was my husband, I'd smile, put my arms around him and say, "Let 'em eat their hearts out, girls, 'cause he's mine, all mine!" Then I'd add, "And by the way, we're thinking of starting a family." Since they can dish it out, let's see how well the "girls" can take it.
DEAR ABBY: I work for a large drugstore chain as a clerk. There is no special training required to be a clerk in a drugstore except to learn to operate a cash register. I earn $7 an hour, and the job is mostly physical (running shipments, etc.).
While I like my job, I am puzzled by the number of people who ask me for medical advice, especially senior citizens. I do not work in the pharmacy part of the store, but people often approach me and ask me and my co-workers all sorts of medical questions -- as if we had to attend medical school to work here. I always try to be helpful, but as I have no medical training, I'm usually of no help at all.
It distresses me that there are people who would take the advice of a clerk in a drugstore over that of their own doctor. Recently, an elderly gentleman asked me to take the catheter out of his arm and insert it correctly, as it had been incorrectly inserted at the hospital and he was bleeding. I was horrified. I told him he should go back to the hospital and have them re-insert it properly. He said he had not asked for my opinion and accused me of not wanting to help him! He then asked the pharmacist the same question and got the same response from him.
This scenario is not uncommon. It happens every day. Please tell your readers that just because someone works in a drugstore, it does NOT mean he or she has had any medical training. -- "KITTY" IN CLEVELAND
DEAR "KITTY": I'm printing your letter and hope it will help, but please don't bank on it. The people you are describing appear to be confused and not completely on track. Your problem may be something that simply goes with the territory, and my advice is to continue directing customers who are in need of medical intervention to get help from someone who is qualified to give it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)