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Dad Owes Daughter an Apology for Springing New Mom on Her
DEAR ABBY: "Crushed in California" whined about her new stepdaughter's "rude, tacky, inappropriate and cruel" reaction after Stepmom and Dad dumped notice on his 24-year-old daughter -- in a public place, no less -- that they had eloped.
Abby, the ADULTS were the rude, insensitive, inappropriate, self-centered and inconsiderate parties in this matter -- not the daughter. They are the ones who should be seeking to mend fences.
When I decided to remarry, we invited my daughters (all in their 20s) over for a private dinner at home where we made the announcement, invited the girls to participate in the planning and answered questions. And yes, the question about a pre-nup was raised. So what! My daughters wanted assurance that I had thought things through. They wanted to know how the marriage would change our family's dynamics, home arrangements, college plans, etc. They were surprised. They got emotional. But they clearly cared about me and my happiness. Their questions weren't out of line; they were the same questions I got from close friends.
It seems to me that these self-centered "adults" cared diddly-squat about what Dad's daughter felt or worried about: Keep the young woman in the dark. Don't let her contribute toward planning the event. Don't let her attend this milestone. Then dump the news on her in a public place to keep her emotional response contained. That ought to show her how important she is in her dad's new life!
Get over it, Stepmom. You married a man with a daughter. She needs to be part of your life right now. You and Dad blew it by shutting her out. Maybe in time the daughter will forgive you. -- A DAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR DAD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: You appear to be at the helm of a close and functional family. It's sad that more families aren't like your own.
What bothered me about the letter from "Crushed in California" was that the first words out of the daughter's mouth had to do with money. I believe that people who earn and save money should be able to spend it as they wish. I also believe that it is unwise to count other people's money as your own. If the father wants his daughter to have any of his assets, then he should have a will that says so. (It's called estate planning.) If he already has a will leaving his property to his daughter, now that he is married he will need a new one, because here in California, his wife would have a claim on half his estate in the event of his death.
Read on for other readers' comments:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, have a stepdaughter who "freaked out" when her father and I married. Her father and I were shocked at her reaction. We offered her the option of family counseling, but she refused to go. My husband and I decided to go by ourselves. It worked miracles!
Once his daughter came to grips with the fact that we were going to stay together, and she would always still have her father, things gradually got better. Now, a few years later, we're a close and loving family. It seems she was afraid she would no longer be No. 1 to Daddy, but she is -- she's just No. 1 Daughter. I am No. 1 Wife. There is plenty of love to go around for the both of us. -- NO. 1 WIFE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR ABBY: If you look beyond the daughter's initial reaction, I think you'll see someone who was scared to death of losing her father. Eloping was probably interpreted as the first step to abandonment. Bottom line: She was scared. Instead of pulling away from her and resenting her, they should embrace her and reassure her that she'll always be part of their lives. -- ANOTHER DADDY'S GIRL IN PORTLAND
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Quinn," and I have been married for two years. We're college sweethearts who re-found each other. Our marriage is solid and romantic. We were both married before -- to the worst life has to offer -- so we truly appreciate each other. Quinn is extremely good-looking, and I'm no slouch, either. We have been told many times what a striking couple we are.
Quinn came into this marriage with grown children. He has five daughters, three of whom make a point of saying, each time we see them, how "Mrs. Smith really has the hots for Dad," or, "Miss Johnson wants Dad so bad she can't get over him," or, "We ran into our old high school teacher, and she only wanted to talk about Dad and how hot he was." Another daughter tells us how all her friends (21 to 23) want to date him!
This has become redundant and tiring, and I don't believe any of it is true. I think they say it only to make me uncomfortable and, frankly, I feel it's rude. What's the best way to handle this? -- THE NEW WIFE
DEAR NEW WIFE: Do it with humor. If Quinn was my husband, I'd smile, put my arms around him and say, "Let 'em eat their hearts out, girls, 'cause he's mine, all mine!" Then I'd add, "And by the way, we're thinking of starting a family." Since they can dish it out, let's see how well the "girls" can take it.
DEAR ABBY: I work for a large drugstore chain as a clerk. There is no special training required to be a clerk in a drugstore except to learn to operate a cash register. I earn $7 an hour, and the job is mostly physical (running shipments, etc.).
While I like my job, I am puzzled by the number of people who ask me for medical advice, especially senior citizens. I do not work in the pharmacy part of the store, but people often approach me and ask me and my co-workers all sorts of medical questions -- as if we had to attend medical school to work here. I always try to be helpful, but as I have no medical training, I'm usually of no help at all.
It distresses me that there are people who would take the advice of a clerk in a drugstore over that of their own doctor. Recently, an elderly gentleman asked me to take the catheter out of his arm and insert it correctly, as it had been incorrectly inserted at the hospital and he was bleeding. I was horrified. I told him he should go back to the hospital and have them re-insert it properly. He said he had not asked for my opinion and accused me of not wanting to help him! He then asked the pharmacist the same question and got the same response from him.
This scenario is not uncommon. It happens every day. Please tell your readers that just because someone works in a drugstore, it does NOT mean he or she has had any medical training. -- "KITTY" IN CLEVELAND
DEAR "KITTY": I'm printing your letter and hope it will help, but please don't bank on it. The people you are describing appear to be confused and not completely on track. Your problem may be something that simply goes with the territory, and my advice is to continue directing customers who are in need of medical intervention to get help from someone who is qualified to give it.
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Heirloom Gifts to Grandkids Are Given With Future in Mind
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your advice to "Not Ungrateful," regarding the beautiful dolls that were sent to her children by their grandfather.
I run a children's store. Not all grandparents want to give a gift that might end up in a garage sale or giveaway box years down the road. Many want to give a special gift that their grandchild will enjoy later and that will be a special memory of them when the children are older. Keepsakes are treasures that can be cherished long after the grandparents are gone.
Special gifts should be put aside until the children are old enough to play with them and enjoy them. Be sure to remind the children that Grandpa gave the gifts when they were babies because he thought they were so special. Cuddly stuffed animals are cute for babies, but generally don't last, nor is their origin ever truly appreciated by the child. So let Grandpa give the most special gifts he can. Those gifts are worth receiving at any age. -- VICKI IN CODY, WYO.
DEAR VICKI: I heard from many readers who agree with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps that grandfather is thinking down the road that someday (when he may be gone) his grandchildren will appreciate his foresight.
We get our grandson the "appropriate cuddly gifts," along with substantial contributions to a 529 college plan. Someday, between political science, beer and young women, we trust he will have kind thoughts about his grandparents. More important, we hope he will repay the gift in kindness to his own grandchildren. -- AN APPRECIATIVE GRANDPA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: As a very young girl in the early '50s, I received by mail a beautiful string of pearls in a velvet case from my bachelor godfather. Talk about age inappropriate! (How can you play with pearls?)
My disappointment turned to pride as my parents explained they were a special gift -- my "first pearls" -- to be worn when I became a young lady. The case graced my dresser top for years, until I was finally deemed "old enough" to wear the elegant necklace.
I still cherish the pearls and their memories of a sweet godfather I rarely saw, and of the times I would carefully open that fancy case and rub the pearls against my cheek, daydreaming of someday being a lady. Let other friends buy their children the soft things they can play with now. "Not Ungrateful's" father-in-law may also intend for the fancy dolls to be future heirlooms. -- SENTIMENTAL IN SEABECK, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: When my granddaughter was born, my mother gave her a chest of sterling silver flatware because she calculated that she wouldn't be here when "that baby grows up," and the price of sterling silver would be out of reach. Through the years, we have added serving pieces to match. Now that my granddaughter is married (and my mother is no longer with us), she has a beautiful service for eight thanks to her great-grandmother.
When it was determined that my step-grandbaby was to be a girl, I bought the prettiest, most expensive doll I could find, as I wanted her first doll to be special. For her first birthday we gave her a diamond drop necklace with instructions that it was to be put away but worn on her wedding day. Because of our advanced age, we won't be alive when she is married, and we wanted to be part of her very special day. -- ANN G., TUPELO, MISS.
DEAR ANN: I'd say your step-grandbaby is a lucky little girl -- and not because of the jewelry.
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