CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON B. PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Father's Day, Pop!
APPRECIATION FOR JOB WELL DONE IS WHAT FATHERS WANT TO HEAR
DEAR ABBY: Today is Father's Day, so why don't we try to do more for dear old Dad than give him the usual greeting card that promotes the idea that all dads are imbeciles, followed by a collect call to see what he thought of the card. (Father's Day is the day when the most collect calls are made.)
We should treat our fathers the way we treat our mothers on Mother's Day and show them we appreciate them for being there. Yes, you probably tell your father all the time that you love him, but the minds of men work differently. Anyone can say "I love you," but as men, knowing that we are appreciated for a job well done is what really gets us teary-eyed.
Something else you can do -- especially you sons out there (but daughters can do it, too) -- is to make sure Dad has been to the doctor for a checkup, including depression screening. This can go a long way toward making sure he's here on Father's Day next year.
I wasn't raised by my father, but by a stepfather. Although we did not see eye-to-eye on many things, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for him. This man, who spent years climbing on top of heavy construction equipment to prepare the ground for many of the homes, businesses, roads and highways of Southern California, now finds it difficult to get into a car. Although none of the houses or roads have his name on them, they are all testaments to his life and the lives of men like him.
So today, let's do something extra for Dad, without him pulling out his wallet to pay for it. -- GEORGE M., OVERLAND PARK, KAN.
DEAR GEORGE: Your fact about Father's Day being the day when the most collect calls are made was an eye-opener. Your stepfather is a lucky man to have a son who is so concerned with, and involved in, his well-being.
I'd like to wish a happy Father's Day to all of the loving, caring, hard-working fathers, stepfathers and surrogate fathers out there who contribute daily to the lives of those who depend upon them.
And now, a "different" kind of thank-you for Father's Day:
DEAR ABBY: It's time to thank the men who donate their sperm for artificial insemination.
Because of you, I have been able to experience the never-ending joys of motherhood. I count my blessings every time I hug and hold my children, hear their voices, see them smile. Each year, as I celebrate their birthdays, I know that you were the one who made it possible. Thank you for making my life complete.
Even though you remain a nameless and faceless biological father, I want you to know that you helped to create two beautiful children who today are caring and loving adults. You should be proud of them. And I think it is important for you to know that they are very proud to be a part of you.
Happy Father's Day from them, and from me. -- THANKFUL MOM IN MICHIGAN
DEAR THANKFUL: I'm sure your letter will be appreciated not only by the donor who shared his own genetic material to help you become a mother, but by many others as well. It proves the truth of the saying, "The most meaningful gift is the gift of self."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DOCTOR'S FOCUS ON SEMANTICS GIVES PATIENT CAUSE TO PAUSE
DEAR ABBY: I had cause recently to see a psychiatrist. When he took my history, I revealed that at age 12, I was raped five times by an older brother.
The psychiatrist objected to my using the word "rape," and told me the correct terminology was "molested." To me, being molested is far less severe an intrusion than being forced to submit to intercourse.
Could it be denial on the psychiatrist's part? Don't people get sent to prison for raping women -- not "molesting" them? Is this kind of thing widespread among psychiatrists? -- OFFENDED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR OFFENDED: I hope not, because instead of acknowledging what was rightfully a very traumatic event in your life, that doctor chose to argue semantics. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition) defines "molest" as "1: to annoy, disturb or persecute esp. with hostile intent or injurious effect; 2: to make annoying sexual advances to; esp: to force physical and usu. sexual contact on."
While the doctor was technically correct, it was more important for you to feel comfortable than for him to "one up" you. If I were you, I'd continue interviewing psychiatrists because this one appears to lack empathy.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding -- that's not the problem.
We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to "settle up" for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.
Because I had no way of paying, I told her I'd try and send something soon. I wasn't planning on this added expense and was not warned that I'd be asked to pay for a fifth of the shower. What should I do? -- NOT A BRIDESMAID
DEAR NOT: As I see it, you have a choice. You can ignore the request, or smash your little girl's piggy bank and send the maid of honor the contents. I recommend the former.
DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. Condolences were offered in the form of flowers the day before the obituary was published requesting donations be made instead to the American Cancer Society.
The response to my offer when I inquired about the delivery address was: "The son is hosting a dinner Thursday night. Instead of flowers, why don't you just send over dessert?" I did as requested, but was somewhat perplexed.
I felt I did not appropriately honor his mother. Are condolences, such as flowers, strictly for the bereaved -- meaning what they want is what they get? Or are they more about tributes and messages of respect about the departed? -- CONFUSED IN BELLAIRE, TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: The time to show respect for the departed is while they are still with us. Funerals and the rituals that accompany them are to comfort the living.
DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, sleep in their mother's bed at night. (They do have rooms of their own.)
When my son and daughter-in-law go on vacation this summer and I baby-sit, do I have the right to try to get them to sleep in their own rooms? -- SOLO SLEEPER IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SOLO SLEEPER: Absolutely. I wish you luck!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Who Won't Stand Up to Mom Gets Wife's Heave Ho
DEAR ABBY: I married the love of my life, "Simon," a year ago. At the time, I was five months' pregnant. While Simon and I stood taking our vows at the altar, his mother, "Bernice," felt the need to stand up and announce that the only reason we were being married was because I was pregnant -- and that I'd done it on purpose to tie him down. I was devastated hearing this at my wedding, and I let Simon know it. I tried to forgive her.
A few months later, Bernice arrived at the hospital as I was giving birth. Again, she started in on how I got pregnant on purpose to tie her son down and began telling everyone in my family how horrible I was. Again, I tried to forgive her.
The final straw came when plans were being made to celebrate Simon's college graduation. Bernice made dinner reservations for everyone in the family and excluded my son and me. I told Simon how hurt I was. His response, "I can't control my mother."
Abby, I was so fed up with having to swallow her abuse with no support from my husband that I kicked him out. I desperately wish he would confront his mother about her abusive behavior, but he's scared of her. I have tried talking to her about it, but when I do she just gets worse. I want to save my marriage, but I don't want Bernice around me or my son anymore. What should I do? -- HAD ENOUGH IN GRAPEVINE, TEXAS
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Whether or not your marriage is salvageable is up to your husband. You married a man with an impossible, domineering and hostile mother. Forget that it takes "two to tango." Because Simon hasn't accepted his own responsibility in the conception of this child, he has allowed his mother to portray you as the tramp who tricked him into fatherhood. There is nothing you can do. It's up to Simon to deal with his mother. Unless he's willing to confront the problem, get marriage counseling with you and ACT on it, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids. Two are my fiance "Sean's"; the littlest is ours together. Sean and I have been together almost seven years.
I need help. I am a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much -- sometimes all of our money -- and I don't know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, and when I'm depressed (which is often), I go out shopping for stuff I don't even need. I have even started shopping online for stuff. I feel horrible about this. Sean and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I'd run low I would just tap right into his. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- SPEND-A-HOLIC IN VENTURA, CALIF.
DEAR SPEND-A-HOLIC: It is time to stop and take inventory of what you have and what you don't. You are substituting "things" for something important that's missing in your life. (Could it be a wedding ring?) Trying to self-medicate long-term depression by going on a spending spree is putting a Band-Aid on an infected wound.
Please contact your physician for a referral to a doctor who can give you medication to lift the depression, as well as counseling for your underlying problem. It's the only way to fix what's ailing you.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)