For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIDOW'S 'WALLFLOWER' LABEL IS NIPPED IN BUD BY READER
DEAR ABBY: I was more than a little put off by your response to "Happy Face in South Dakota," who asked wedding guests to be sure that widowed friends and relatives are asked to dance. Your response was that people should "pay attention to the wallflowers."
My dictionary defines "wallflower" as a girl who watches at a dance because of shyness or lack of a partner. The person who wrote you was not a shy, unescorted girl. She was a woman who had lost her partner through death, to whom the most basic social graces were not extended. Your use of the word "wallflower" was not only inappropriate, it was unkind. -- OFFENDED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR OFFENDED: Your sentiments were echoed by others, and I'd like to set the record straight. I have several dictionaries in my offices. My Webster's New World Dictionary defines a wallflower as, "a person, esp. a girl, who merely looks on at a dance, etc. as from shyness or lack of a partner." My Webster's Dictionary of the English Language (1979) defines a wallflower as "a person, esp. a girl or woman, who sits by the wall, or looks on, at a dance, sometimes from shyness but ordinarily from not having been sought as a partner (colloq)."
"Happy Face's" letter brought a lot of responses. A sample:
DEAR ABBY: Hello? Earth to "Happy Face"! Get up and take the initiative by asking them yourself. You will be unhappy and lonely only if you want to be. Take off the psychological sackcloth and ashes and start living again. Time's a-wasting! -- JOEL IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR JOEL: Although many mature women have been socialized to wait to be asked, you have a point. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like you to know that at least one 20-something male does what he can whenever possible to dance with older women who are without escorts. It feels good not to worry about rejection because I might not have enough "bling" or dress expensively. I appreciate the lack of narcissism I find in pre-boomers. Unfortunately, it's a trait that's literally dying out. -- TREVOR IN OREGON
DEAR TREVOR: That you are not only a considerate guest, but also a man who knows his way around the dance floor are valuable social assets that will stand you in good stead forever. Good for you!
DEAR ABBY: Before "Happy Face" runs to the restroom for a good cry, she should look carefully around the room. If she does, she may notice people who never had, or will have, a dance partner. She may observe a mentally handicapped young man whose day she'd make by inviting him to dance. Or an elderly man who's reluctant to ask, but who might be thrilled to be asked. There might even be an awkward teen who lacks the confidence to ask because he's self-conscious about his looks or his height, and would gladly accept an invitation from a mature lady who's willing to teach him some new (or old) steps. Just taking the initiative would take her mind off herself. -- DESMOND IN OTTAWA
DEAR DESMOND: I like the way you think.
DEAR ABBY: Our Mardi Gras Krewe held its 10th anniversary presentation, and the past nine queens -– of which I was one –- were on the stage. One of us, a recent widow, is now a double amputee in a wheelchair. When it was time for our presentation dance, my husband danced briefly with me, then went to the other queen's wheelchair and waltzed her around the stage. He left us all in tears. She later told me she had dreaded the time of the dance as she'd be all alone. It made her night. -- MARRIED TO A REMARKABLE MAN IN LOUISIANA
DEAR MARRIED: He's not only remarkable, he's a gem!
HUSBAND'S MIND IS CLOSED TO WIFE'S OPEN-DOOR POLICY
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and ever since we came home from the honeymoon we have had an ongoing argument. When no one is home, I like to bathe with the bathroom door open because that way I can listen to television while I'm in the tub.
My husband constantly complains that his married kids might walk into the house and catch me bathing. I feel that since they don't live here, they should not walk in, and if they do, it's their problem and it probably won't happen again. Please help settle this. -- "BUBBLES" IN IDAHO
DEAR BUBBLES: If the situation were reversed, I'm sure your husband's "children" would be nonplussed if you walked into their homes without notice and caught them in the act of bathing –- or worse. They shouldn't be entering your house without first calling to see if a visit is convenient. Settle the argument by installing deadbolt locks on your front and back doors and using them when you don't want to be interrupted.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently in a grocery store and noticed that one of the other women shopping that day was a little person. It was clear that she was able to shop on her own, but she had some large items in her cart.
When we reached the check-out line, she was directly behind me. In her cart were some large cases of soda. She was able to get the cases out, but with much more effort than it would have taken me.
I wish I could have helped, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. Do little people find it offensive when a person of average height offers his or her assistance? How should I go about offering my help in the future? -- WANTS TO HELP IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR WANTS TO HELP: Little people are just like big people. Some will welcome the offer; others may not. It is never rude to smile and offer someone a helping hand. The wording doesn't have to be fancy, just "Would you like some help with that?"
P.S. However, if the answer is "no," please don't take it as a personal rejection.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl, and I have a little brother, "David," who is 9. David is a real pest. He goes through my bras and underwear, and walks in when I'm taking a shower or dressing. (And yes, the door is closed.) I have tried telling him –- and shouting at him -– to stop and give me some privacy, but whenever I or my parents do, he doesn't get the point. He doesn't mean any harm -– but it's quite childish, isn't it?
Please help me. I'm sure it'll help other readers my age, too. -- FED-UP SISTER, HAIFA, ISRAEL
DEAR SISTER: Your brother isn't a baby anymore and neither are you. He may mean no harm, but at 9, he's old enough to respect other people's property and privacy.
Because neither you nor your parents can make David understand that these intrusions are rude and an invasion of privacy, ask your parents to install locks on the doors of the bathroom and your bedroom. He may be just a child, but you're a big girl now.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'Talking Points' Will Help Guide Couple to the Altar
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in love and want to be married. I want to make certain that when I marry it is forever. Have you a list of topics that should be discussed before saying "I do"? We both want to be sure we know and understand each other before making this lifetime commitment. -- JENNIFER IN LAKEWOOD, COLO.
DEAR JENNIFER: I like the way you think. Among the topics that should be aired are:
(1) Are you both ready for a monogamous relationship?
(2) Are you both ready to establish a family independent of your parents?
(3) Are you both self-supporting and capable of supporting each other and any children that come along, should the need arise?
(4) Are your philosophies about child-rearing and discipline similar?
(5) Are your career goals compatible?
(6) Do you think alike about sex, religion and politics?
(7) Do you think alike about money and finances?
If the answer to the majority of these questions is "yes," then your marriage should endure with little conflict.
I recently received a little book in the mail that you and your boyfriend might find helpful. It is very well done, easy to read and jargon-free, and although it was written for military couples whose marriages can be subject to extreme stresses, it can provide food for thought to civilian couples as well. It was written by a former military chaplain, Gene Thomas Gomulka. The title is "The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military." It can be ordered from www.plaintec.net. The price is $11.95 a copy, and it's worth every penny.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced mother of a 19-year-old daughter, "Dawn," who still lives at home. Dawn recently graduated from high school and has a couple of college credits. Even though she lives at home, she does nothing to help me. She's always out with her friends or they're at my house while I'm at work. Dawn has no job (she says she's still looking), and she has been stealing money from my purse and using my debit card without my knowledge. I have confronted her about it and told her she has to pay me back.
What can I do to make my daughter understand that stealing from me won't be tolerated and that living at home means sharing the housework? -- WIT'S END, ALLEN, TEXAS
DEAR WIT'S END: Your daughter didn't hatch from the egg as a selfish, thoughtless thief with no respect for you. You created this monster by allowing her to get away with murder for years.
It's time for your little girl to start acting like a grown-up, which won't happen until you toughen up. Lock up your purse and lay down the law. Give her a deadline to have a job or get out. When she gets one (and I'm sure you'll be surprised how quickly), insist that she turn her paycheck over to you so you can bank half of it for her. Once she has accumulated enough for first and last months' rent on a place of her own, start "helping" her out of the nest. Until then, her "rent" to you will be paid in household chores.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: A happy Passover, everyone!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)